1968

My first impressions (as a child) while I saw my mother writing ...

Please No CSS

1968

 

 

During the spring of 1968, little Jo is barely three, yet she is mesmerised by the little notes her mother writes every day before she goes out shopping for groceries. Little Jo likes shopping at the supermarket, because it means that her mum has to buy loads of stuff like meat, steak, bread, milk, vegetables (preferably red cabbage and spinach, the latter because Jo likes Popeye the sailor man), butter, sugar, salt and pepper too, jelly, chocolate paste, strawberries, a big bag of potatoes, tomatoes, sometimes a comic book called ‘Donald Duck’ as well …

 

Or … does she rather prefer the ritual before the shopping?

The kid is as little as a shrimp, yet she knows all the neighbours names by heart. She cannot take in the fact that every time her mum goes on a shopping spree in the supermarket, she needs to take a little paper out of a drawer and feels the need to swear when she is not able to find her favourite pencil. Why does mum need to do all that scribbling before they can finally go? The little kid wants to know … Her mum is holding the paper with her left hand, while going frantically through all of the kitchen cupboards, then returning to the kitchen table, pulling out a chair and after sitting down mummy starts scribbling down what look like ‘M’ like drawings to her. At that point, the daily ritual does not make any sense to her …

Anyway, once the list finished, they were taking off to the supermarket…

 

At last!

 

They are off now! The walk to the supermarket is not very long and yet little Jo cannot wait to get there, impatient as she is to find out what the little paper full of ‘M’s’ has to do with food.

As they arrive, Jo feels a little tired and starts sulking: ’Mummy, can I sit in the trolley please?’

Mum picks her little treasured daughter up and sets her down gently in the trolley’s children’s seat. From there, she has got an excellent view of what is going to happen next: her mother takes the carefully kept note out of her pocket and looks at it with a slightly wrinkled forehead …

 

Little Jo is still a bit puzzled… Why does mummy have to see the ‘M’s’ before she will pick something out of the shelves? Does not her mother know what she likes to eat?

Suddenly Jo has enough and cries out: ‘Mummy, I want spinach!’

Her mother knows where this is coming from and gives her little girl a hug: ‘Yes, dear, I do know you like watching Popeye! We will get to the spinach later…’ The little girl is put at ease: mummy has not forgotten! Then she sees mummy picking up a carton of milk and shortly afterwards, striking out on of the ‘M’s’, and another, another … till mummy decides that they can go home since they have everything on the list, even the much desired spinach and the ‘Donald Duck’ comic book!

 

Jo now thinks there must be some link between the ‘M’s’ and the goodies …

Interesting …

 

 

 

Author's Note

Please tell me what you think ... should I continue?
I hereby admit that I liked spinach and Popey at the age of three and that I did have a subscription to Donald Duck's magazine from the age of 3 till I turned ... 13!

Reviews

[J. James Reider]

I like this... If you continued the story, I would write it as your language progresses. I can't remember if you said you were a native English speaker, or Dutch, my apologies as my short term memory is nothing compared to my long term capabilities.

The observations are quite vivid, and it is well penned and delicately thought out. I say that yes, you should go on with it... See where that road leads you (:

[Cheryl]

It does seem like you should go on, like something is missing. I felt like I need to know more. I was also wondering if this is for an adult audience or for children. All in all, it definitely does capture one's attention.

[Rockebah]

I think you should continue. I would love to know more about Jo's adventure to find out what the m's are for. It sounds interesting

[pal]

hello there.. sure u need to continue... it is interesting to view life through little one angle.. move on

pal

[poddar kushal]

It is a biograpphy with graphic tales slanting toward a bio-novel. One can enjoy it and then (I hope with the addition you are to make) one can explore history.
I'll be waiting for your feeds.

[cyanskye]

This would make a wonderful children's book. I like the light-hearted quality, I feel it captures the randomness of a child thinking. If I would offer one suggestion, it would be to have little Jo notice more "M" items as her mother crosses them off; Milk, as you wrote but add a couple of others: macaroni - scratch off an "M", mustard - scratch off an "M". It might illustrate the relationship between the item and the word.

ps-there is not a thing wrong with reading Donald Duck - even at 13!!

[xX-tito24-Xx]

Vicious Circle Negative Review


Ok, have never given a review without mentioning anything positive at all, so I promise to do my best here :)

Well, I think that the opening sentence might have been a little too blunt, and while I realize that this is a short piece and was probably INTENDED to be a short piece, I think that adding another sentence or two to ease us into the theme of the story would have been nice. Also, that first sentence is a bit long, I suggest splitting it up :

Before
"During the spring of 1968, little Jo is barely three, yet she is mesmerised by the little notes her mother writes every day before she goes out shopping for groceries."

After
"During the spring of 1968, little Jo is barely three years old. She is mesmerised by the little notes that her mother writes every day before she goes out shopping for groceries."

One other thing I noticed is that you talk about your mum writing the list everyday, THEN talk about her having to buy "loads of stuff" at the supermarket. I do not know many families who need to go to the supermarket daily to get lots of groceries, but I am still unsure of whether is an inconsistency or just what your family used to do.

I notice that throughout the piece you try to keep the vocabulary simple, so as to reinforce the readers' belief that Jo really IS three and its 1968 again, though there are times when you slip out of the simpler and more childlike talk and use phrases that a three year old would not:

Before
"Does not her mother know what she likes to eat?"

After
"Doesn't her mum know what she likes to eat?"

-----

Before
"They are off now! The walk to the supermarket is not very long and yet little Jo cannot wait to get there,"

After
" They're off now! The walk to the supermarket isn't very long and little Jo just can't wait to get there,"





Anyway, that's all of the negative points that I could find, and I tried to provide my own solutions to them.

Hope that this review helped =)

Theo

[yinseriv]

Positive Review Vicious Circle


The writer's note on this story advertises that this is a child's impression of watching her mother write. The following story delivers a refreshingly innocent account told from the perspective of a child. The writer introduces the character of 'Little Jo' and with some well thought out passages is able to make the character likable with a minimum amount of words. This is not an easy task to do but very important in flash fiction.

The story does manage to engage an adult reader while using a simplistic style which would also be understandable to a youngster. There is a potential here for this to expand into a bedtime storybook that a parent could share with their child. Possibly this could be a book introducing a child to the wonders of reading and writing.

In all I found this to be a wonderful vignette and hope that the writer will expand upon the story.

[Silent Kim aka mizmetap..]

The story is really good, I think you should continue, my intrest is definitly peeked. Only in some areas the story is a little rough to read, re read it yourself and you'll catch it. Writing a story is like a poem, reread and reread until we get it right. keep it going.

[Mysteral - Night Prowle..]

I thought the idea behind the story was excellent. Not the sort of story I normally read, but that's me. I think it would appeal to a lot of readers. Whether to continue or not, I think it depends on your story line. I could imagine this as a series of images seen through the eyes of a child, and provided there was enough variation in the scenes would probably be well received.

A couple of negative comments which are purely my personal point of view. If you are writing this for a child to read, then ignore these points.
I couldn't decide if you wanted it to be read as if a child had written or an adult. To me, it felt like a adult trying to be a child, which didn't work.
The second, which if changed would probably, (for me) also rectify the first comment. I don't like present tense written in third person. It feels unnatural, especially when the scene is so obviously set in the past. However, as I said, if this is a child's book, then it's perfect. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to read and review.