Chapter One

CHAPTER ONE

"the expansion of the universe or stars?" you suddenly asked

i had never been much of a science person,

but it was in that moment,

when i heard the passion in your voice,

and saw the fervor in your eyes,

that i wanted to know it all.

i wanted you to tell me about the big bang,

the theories behind black holes,

and life on other planets.

i wanted to hear it all,

explore your mind,

and see what you saw

"I want to go to the moon before I die," i said

and in seven words, you showed more love for me than anyone had before

in those seven words, you made it clear i would never be alone again

casually and nonchalantly, you responded

"i'll go to the moon with you"

and it was then i knew

i'd never love anyone as much as i love you.

***

“Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Miami International Airport,” the flight attendant trailed off as I fidgeted in my seat, looking out and seeing the beautiful sunny sky and cosmopolitan city I had left behind five years ago.

As she announced the local time and temperature, I mentally prepared myself for what would be the longest two weeks of my life.

Next to me, still fast asleep and covered up to his neck with the blanket the airline gives out to its first class passengers, laid my fiancee -- Will Hartley. Will and I met while I was studying abroad at The University of Barcelona. My roommate at the time, Fiona, was set on introducing me to the city’s club scene. After insisting for weeks on end, I finally gave in and decided to go out for a night. We ended up at Club Viallo, Barcelona’s most popular nightclub, where many celebrities and Europe’s elite go to forget about the world for a few hours. It was there I met Will.

“What are you drinking beautiful?” he asked me. As he stood in front of me, I couldn’t help but notice how beautiful this man was. With his shaggy dirty blonde hair, tender blue eyes, and perfect golden tan skin, he looked like a Greek God amongst the crowd. “Nothing,” I shyly smiled and walked away.

Now, as I watched his chest rise and fall with every breath, I began to imagine what our future together would be like. If you had asked me a few years back where I saw myself at twenty-five, I would have described a completely different version of who I am today. I found myself thinking about the person I used to be before I met Will, what I used to find joy in, the plans I had for myself, suddenly memories and emotions flooded my mind.

“Babe,” I whispered, softly nudging him so he’d wake. “William we’ve landed.”

***

Six Years Ago

“Stop it, Stop it, Stop it,” I shouted as I ran away from Tony, giggling, while he chased me with a water balloon in hand. He was much taller than me, almost a foot taller to be exact and with his muscular long legs, he was able to catch up to me in the blink of an eye. With one-third of the force he’d normally use against anyone else, he threw the balloon straight at my back.

“Aha!” he laughed, watching me make a theatrics out of being hit with a water balloon that probably weighed less than a pound. “Goddamn it Rebecca, get up.”

He picked me up and threw me over his shoulder. His hands gripping my thigh and a*s. As he slowly lowered me onto the couch, the heat of his body resonated onto mine. There was an undeniable physical attraction from the moment we met, we were one in the same. As he lowered his body onto mine, I could see the burning desire in his eyes.

“You drive me crazy,” he said as he played with my hair, his lips tracing every inch of my neck and collar bones. There was softness in his eyes whenever he’d tell me how he felt about me but tonight, I saw something else. For the first time, I saw fear in his eyes, heard restraint in his voice as he whispered “I love you” into my ear.

***

Miami was exactly the way I had left it. Realistically, I knew it wouldn't change much but somewhere in me I had hoped that because I was no longer the same as when I first left, maybe the city had changed along with me. That maybe traces of my past would no longer be around.

“I think my parent’s new driver, Manny, is picking us up,” I turned to inform Will who was busy on his phone dealing with work. Our relationship was very comforting, we understood each other. For him, work was the most important thing. That's why I was surprised when he asked me on a date. Normally, you would think the owner of a nightclub, especially one as renowned as Club Viallo, would not be the one to settle down with just one girl but from the moment Will met me, that’s all he seemed to be interested in.

It took me a while to get used to the idea of dating again. I’d come to Barcelona to figure myself out but somehow I ended up agreeing to go go on a date with Will. He was different than any other guy I had been with, definitely different than Tony and I think that’s what attracted me the most. I never had to worry about the what if’s, never had to worry about him not being there. From the moment I first started dating him, I knew he’d be around forever and the idea of that made me happy.

“Hey,” Will traced my jaw with his index finger, stopping right at the corner of my lips. “I know you’re not a big fan of coming back home but I think your parents will be really glad to see you. Besides, I’m sure they’d much rather hear about their daughter getting engaged in person.”

Everything was easy with Will, I felt safe when I was with him. I had never really told him why it was I left Florida and never thought to look back. He respected my need for privacy, trusted that when I was ready, i’d let him into the world I was so desperate to leave behind.

“I love you,” I leaned in and whispered into his ear as we made our way across bag claim and out of the airport. “I’m happy you’re here.”

Author's Note

Let me know what you think! Feedback is welcomed! Also, would you like to know more about Rebecca, Tony, and Will?

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

A very good introduction. I like the internal thoughts and the set-up of the characters and their life. Your description was very good. Make each situation come alive and feel real. Thank you for sharing the excellent chapter.
Coyote

[worldcitygirl]

Thank you! They've been characters i've been thinking about for a while, so I'm you've enjoyed the introduction to their story!

[Coyote Poetry]

I did and you are welcome.

[luvs2write]

I really did enjoy reading this. I am in NO way a professional, so most of what I say is just opinion. I don't have that much criticism...haha it kind of seems like you might be on the same level or a level up in writing from me.
I did notice that some of your sentences are worded in a strange way. It could just be me, but some of the sentences are really long. It just made me have to go back and read it again so that I got what you were saying (or maybe I should just get off my butt and go get my glasses? haha...oh wait, they're right here next to me XP) You use a lot of commas after quotations marks. I guess I tend to use a period more than a comma, but maybe you're doing it the right way. Like I said, I'm mostly just sharing my opinion.
I think that for the first chapter, your characters are okay. They aren't quite jump-out-of-the-book-and-slap-my-face kind of vibrant, but they definitely aren't flat. If you find a problem, never fear--Rewrites are here!!

All in all, I think this is a good chapter. It definitely isn't a boring backstory kind of thing, so you have my attention. XD Keep writing!! I know writing novels can get a little tiresome, but I think (hope....PRAY) that it will pay off. Have a great New Years!

[Valentine]

Your first 3 groupings lost me. If I had not continued reading I would have been bored. When you get into the story, it picks up interest.

[Meeks]

Some factual info: Spain is the world's largest burdel, with over 200,000 prostitutes working twenty hours a day. It would be hard to find a nightclub, especially a famous one, in the middle of Barcelona where their services wouldn't be included in the price. Prostitution has become so widespread that even some buisness meetings end up at a "nightclub". (Someone presented about this in spanish class)
And so as a woman who attracts Will, Rebecca should be wary of him. Well, she shouldn't be there in the first place.

Tony seems to be a flat character, but I guess there isn't enough room to fully develop him yet. I would still push to try to define him. Make a scene that shows what he wants, a goal or maybe a fear, something more emotional.

"almost a foot taller to be exact" - Sounds very wrong.

The first three paragraphs of the third section are simply background. Don't give us background this early on, the reader doesn't care and hasn't invested too much time into reading your bok. He will partially fall asleep, realize that, and then put it away.

Overall, too many places and too fast.
She is first in an airplane, then in barcelona, than at an airport somewhere, and we find out she USED to be in Florida. That's confusing, and unrealistic. She's either a super spy agent or a diplomat or a basketball player to be traveling that much. And she's not, it seems she's just a student.
Also, in the first chapter you have three scenes. Now, they are all great scenes and they show aspects of the heroine's character, but there's three of them. And the chapter's not long. You implement a flashback right at the beginning, which easily confuses readers, and makes it three sceness instead of one (well, and a half). I would put the flashback later, much later, either exactly when it becomes necessary for the readers to know or a bit before.
And all your character are flat. They still have no goals, no dreams, only a tiny bit of family, all I see is them flirting with each other. I mean, this is just the first chapter but... this is the first chapter. You got to introduce the character, and make them independent of you.
Ooh, that's actually a great anaology. Make it seem as if they are making their own decision, not you deciding for them. And to do that they don't have to have a background, or anything else, they just have to WANT something and FEAR something.

Also, we're a chapter in and nothing has really happened. Can you at least hint that aomething bad might be happening next chapter in the final paragraphs of this one? Oh wait, you did that with the parents. Hmm, isn't too obvious though.

If this review offends you in any way, PMme and I'll take it down.

Overall, very nice. Some nice scenes are when Tony tosses a water ballon at her, you should definately keep that. Great story, keep on writing. It can only get better!

[worldcitygirl]

Hi Meeks, thanks for taking the time to read the chapter and giving me your honest feedback, i do appreciate it and in no way does it offend me. I'm a true believer in constructive criticism, it can only help a writer. "four eyes are better than two" or something like that.

I don't mention it in my author's note, though maybe I should, but this is the first draft of the chapter and please know that I will be taking your suggestions along with the rest of those who commented and applying them to my second draft as well as the rest of the novel.

I, in no ways meant to make these characters flat, actually they're very alive in my head. I will work on improving this since I do feel like I owe it to R, T, and W to tell their story correctly.

Thank you again for taking the time to leave a comment and reading R, T, and W's story!

[Kaliope]

Yeah, I liked it :-) You've created an interesting narrator with a distinctive voice and the other characters feel fleshed out as well, even though we only see glimpses of their personality - so honestly, great job! I also liked your descriptions, just the right amount in my opinion.

Now to the flashbacks… well, I guess it would be fair to say I'm in general not a big fan of flashbacks. They are incredibly difficult to get right and always yank the reader out of the story. It's disorienting, there's just no way around that.

That said, I didn't mind it too much and I think it was justified in this case. Nevertheless, an opening chapter is tricky on its own, since it introduces the reader to a whole new world filled with people and rules he/she doesn't know yet. Therefore my advice would be to give the reader a bit more time with the protagonist and her situation before cutting to the past. Your chapter is very short anyway, so I think you could expand a little on the introduction (Wow, I can't believe I just said that - usually I'm telling writers to cut stuff out ;-)) Maybe add a bit more conflict for tension?

To summarize: I really enjoyed this chapter and its characters and I am curious as to how the story will continue. Let me add one more thing: I read your author's note on this book and love your approach - the sentiment that you owed it to the characters. I feel the same the way about my characters and even included that into a short story (Warning: shameless advertisement approaching… Writer's Pains by Kaliope… ;-))

Cheers,

Kali

[worldcitygirl]

Hi Kaliope, thanks for taking the time to read this! I appreciate you taking the time to leave such a sweet and insightful comment.

I do agree that flashbacks are rather tricky and a lot of the times do what you say above to the reader. It's tricky because in my mind - for this story specially - I can only tell Tony and Rebecca's past through them. I will work my best at making the flashbacks clear and making sure they add to the story rather than take away.

I will be working on a second draft of this chapter as well as on the rest of the novel and will keep your adding of more details suggestion in mind, since it is something I sometimes forget to do.

Thank you again for taking the time to read this, hope to see you back here for chapter 2!

[Glen Weimann]

WorldCityGirl Hi. I’ve been thinking about this on and off for some hours and trying to imagine how it might feel to receive feedback with so many improvement suggestions. So what I want to say loud and clear is that I’ve never spent so long thinking about what and what not to say, and this comes down to the calibre of your writing and the promise this story contains. The fact that I was able to argue in my head about characters so early on indicates that you have sown seeds.

OK - so what do I like most, apart from the fact that there’s a lot going on already in Chapter One.
I like the three story lines and it's intriguing to see how and when they might combine
Stylistically I note that the first 'stars' story line is written 'I' and 'you' whereas both the 6 years ago and Spain story lines are 'I' and 'He'. Is this significant, I ask myself.
I really like the stars part as it hangs mysteriously above the rest of the piece, and I’m really interested to know where it will go. I’m guessing it will remain mostly on this other more celestial plain ….?
So far, I like(d) Tony. From the little Rebecca has told us, he seemed sensitive, fun, but unsure if Rebecca was ready to return his deepest feelings. This may be a little stereotypical but he sounded a little like Rebecca’s age of innocence. We don’t know what the what-ifs relate to, however, so we’ll have to wait and see

I was much less sure about Rebecca. If I was Hercule Poirot I’d be ticking off the following on my fingers
rich parents (new driver - why new?)
seemingly no financial pressures to earn money after US education so she goes off to Spain to study for longer
enough money despite being a student to go to an expensive club
all her comments are about one or other relationship; we know nothing of any other interests she may have, like saving the planet, etc etc
there is very little corroboration of her good nature (if she is good natured) in the way of comments from trusted 3rd parties (eg perhaps the Spanish housekeeper’s young son whose pet rabbit she helped nurse back to health yada yada)
she ran away from something back in Florida, which rarely indicates a good strong ‘nice’ person
So if we’re meant to like her as our central guide through the story, I think there is work to be done.

The more I thought about Will, actually the less I like him. Again it's early days, but someone who runs their finger along Rebecca's chin seems to me to be showing signs of a controlling nature. This fits with being a successful club owner who presumably gets what he wants. I suspect that he wishes to possess Rebecca. He's charming, funny, and can seemingly be loving and sensitive, but is it real ...?

We really know very little about ‘Will/Rebecca’ and why they are apparently in love with each other. Apart from the drink conversation, almost everything else about the development of the couple's relationship has been 3rd person description from Rebecca, so it hasn't yet got any events where the reader has seen how the two regard and care for each other. In fact we are told that he’s always busy working and does this a lot even when they’re together. It’s only Ch 1, I know.

The part that most makes me want to read Chapter 2 is the stars part because it’s mysterious. However, I’m less in a rush to read more about a club owner and a girl from Florida meeting in Spain, it's OK but .... I don't really have any stake yet in either of them. I think this can quite often be a problem in opening chapters because their characters and histories have yet to build and become multi-dimensional. However, all the elements are there - a happy couple, skeletons to be faced, etc. I hate to recommend a corny technique like that used by Dan Brown in almost every single chapter or by Tolkien for that matter, but I think you need to sharpen these elements towards a mini climax that becomes a dramatic hook. One that might fit, for example, is some kind of panic-stricken last minute strange behaviour by Rebecca, perhaps signalled by seeing the driver - why did she do that????

Finally, one grammatical thing. “Different than” sounded odd to me. Different to or from, perhaps.

I hope this all helps. I come back to my starting comments that I would hate for these suggestions and comments to dissuade you from continuing. I think the story has great potential and I’d be very happy to read the next chapters.

[worldcitygirl]

Hi Nigel, thanks so much for reading and taking the time to leave such an insightful review, i really do appreciate it!

Going off with your comments on who the reader is meant to like (R, T, or W) the way I saw it in my mind was sort of how you're describing them. Their stories are far complex, especially Rebecca's, and I wanted through the flashbacks, for Rebecca's story of who she is to come through. Though, I did not want her to be a favorite from the start. The flashbacks of her and Tony are meant to be "the game changer" of the story, more of who she is will develop in the coming chapters. Though, I will take your suggestions and work on a second draft of this chapter!

I'm glad you didn't like Will very much, I think those who saw Tony the way you described, are right to feel that way. I'm happy you're questioning his nature, is he controlling? is his love for R real? He is very important in the journey of Rebecca's story though -- as later chapters will reveal.

I do, as the storyteller to these characters stories, think that chapter 1 isn't supposed to reveal right away the story of R/W, rather it's supposed to give glimpses. Yes, they're engaged, yes she loves him, though if she does why won't she tell him why she really left home? why (like you mention) did she leave behind a life of such comfort? The details are not meant to be there just yet (or at least that's how I imagined it) so that the reader is left questioning, just like you did. Though, I would like to know - is your questions of them good or is it because I should develop their story a bit more to truly make this chapter stand out?

I want to thank you again for such an honest and helpful review, I will take everything you have said and apply it to chapter 2 -- which I hope you come back to read and follow with these characters stories :)

Take care!

[PhiZephyra]

Loved it. The way you wrote it is just awesome, and I'd love to know more about all of them. Please continue :)

[worldcitygirl]

Glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for reading :)

[KittyKatgirl]

Yes I would like to know more about them especially the story behind Tony and Rebecca, what happened between them. I love the start, a very captivating poem. I really enjoyed reading this and would like to read more. Keep up the great work :)

[worldcitygirl]

Thanks so much! Definitely check back soon, chapter 2 will be up ASAP. Glad you enjoyed it!

[KittyKatgirl]

Awesome...

[Tina Vainola]

I liked the skip in time part. Will you continue two story lines - one starting from 6 years ago and tracing it to current time; and the present one?
Looking forward to the second chapter.

[worldcitygirl]

Hi! Thanks for reading! I'm glad you liked the flashbacks, I plan on continuing with them so that at a certain part of the book, it all comes together into Rebecca's present. Hope to see your comment on chapter 2 when it's up!