Chapter 6

“We were always close to each other, especially after mom and dad’s divorce.  Even though I have also been avoiding you in the last month I never once stopped thinking about you.  Truth is I have been planning how I would do this…for much longer then you would think, I just knew now was my time.”

 

   

 

“In the last few days, you who are his family and friends have been struggling with the sad mystery that surrounds Addison’s death.  It may seem that the pain you feel inside of you will tear you apart.  Perhaps it is a dull aching emptiness that fills your heart and soul.  Perhaps you have rehearsed your last meeting with her time and time again?  Perhaps you ask, "What could you have said or done differently?"  Some of you here may feel guilt over something you said or did not say in that last few days.  That is normal.  Many of you wanted a chance to say good-bye.  That too is normal.  Your grief is bound up in these feelings that are part and parcel of the suicide of a close friend or relative.  In the light of this I cannot emphasize enough that this IS NOT YOUR FAULT.  So those of you who have guilt feelings over something said or not said, recently or long ago, please remember that you are not to blame.  For whatever reason Addison’s pain was too great, too heavy for her to bear. I know that you would have done everything in your power if you had known.  No matter what we say here today, we cannot bring Addison back…”

               I wanted to believe these words so much but it was as if something inside me was stopping me from doing so.  Every day I wake up, starting my day as normal until the reality of losing Addison hits me all over again.  At times in waves which is the worst because it only seems to get harder every passing second and I wonder if the pain will ever end or subside into something else besides guilt.

               “Now Mrs. Williams would like to come up and say a few words about her daughter.”

               My mother rose from her seat 3 seats down from me and slowly took her place at the front of the church.  She already had tears in her eyes and I wasn’t sure whether or not they were real or fake tears but either way she was a good actor.  “Just days before Addison passed I had gone out with her to buy a new dress for my business party that weekend.  Usually she was thrilled to go out as she loved shopping and having that small amount of bonding time we got.  She was always a frugal person and hated spending so much on a dress that would only be worn for a few hours but this time it was even more so prevalent.  She told me after she had tried on a few that she would just wear one from a few weeks ago but I insisted buying her one.  I hope I didn’t push her over the edge with that.”

               She let a few tears run down her face as the priest urged her on.  “Even so when I heard Adam tell me I couldn’t believe it, I didn’t want to believe it. I was in such a state of shock, I still am.  I will always remember the day that she was born and every day after that.  I will forever miss the fact that I won’t be able to watch her go to her Senior Prom, go off to college, get her first job, get married and have kids.  There will forever be a part in my heart that she took that night that she left for heaven.” At this she let out a small gasp, letting the tears fall, ruining her perfectly prepared makeup.  As she walked back to her seat “I Will Always Love You” began playing.  I shielded my eyes as tears brimmed in my eyes from the lyrics.  Looking up at the ceiling of the chapel, I tried to hold the tears back by blinking.  A glare in the stained glass window caught my eye when I silently asked Addison to give me a sign that she was by my side.  A smile escaped my lips though it most likely looked like a grimace from the outside. 

               My aunt went up and spoke a few words after my mother and then I was up.  All eyes were on me as I stood up and quickly rubbed my eyes of the remaining tears.  I didn’t know how I would make it through my speech; heck I hadn’t even made one of fear that it would never be good enough for Addie.  I didn’t dare look out at the hundreds of people in the pews that had sorrow written all over their faces, instead I looked down as I began.  My first few words were a struggle to get out, but I kept asking Addie to help me.  “Standing up here right now, feels like a dream.  No a nightmare, that I will never be able to get out of.  I don’t want to dare and look and see all the pain and grief on everyone’s face here, it makes it too real.  I didn’t know how to prepare anything today because it wouldn’t be anything near the level of what Addison deserved.  I’m asking here while I stand up here to give me the strength and to give me the words that will hopefully make your pain go away.  Yet that isn’t possible, I should know that firsthand. 

               I got the sudden strength to look up, though I didn’t look at the crowd, I looked past.  There in the back of the church was a glimmer of light shining down from the chapel windows.  It was different, not like the normal sunlight streaks.  It was Addie.  “Look.” I said as I pointed to the back of the church.  “There is Addie, watching over us.  Now most of you will think I am just crazy.  But back there, there is a beautiful light shining through the glass windows that is unlike something I have seen before.  The sun is behind me, yet that light is shining through the opposite side with such power given it is a cloudy day.” Bewilderment crossed many faces, though when I looked at Monica who even through her tears had joy written all over her face.  She offered me a gentle smile and I returned it as I looked up again thanking Addie for the beautiful sign. 

               Once the murmurs died down again I began my speech on whatever felt right.  “As most of you know, Addie smile would spread across the room to others like a wildfire.  It is so very strange to think that my sister, such a beautiful girl was hurting so much inside that it ended like this.  But believe me when I say, she is okay.  It will be hard, for some the hardest thing you will go through, I know it will be for me.  I have the confidence though that considering Addison never left us when she was here physically, she will never leave us when she is here for everyone, spiritually.  We used to fight all the time when we were little, to the point that we annoyed our parents so much they would make sure we weren’t in the same vicinity!  Yet, it amazed them how five minutes later we would be best friends and being so loving towards one another.  I don’t know if that is just because we are twins or because we were all we had.  Addie used to come into my room and take my shirts or basketball shorts to wear around the house.  When I would ask her why she always replied that boys clothes are so much more comfortable!  Even though it angered me then, now it makes me smile at how simple she could be.  She never wanted the attention for herself and I think that is where we all went wrong.  Addie was always so busy at making sure everyone around her was happy that she did worry about herself.  She thought it was selfish of her if she would do that.  We all were fooled, I will say myself, and she is one amazing actor to get it past hundreds of people.”  I tried to swallow the clump in my throat that was forming at my face grew hot.  “There was another time when she had begged my uncle to stop and get her a milkshake on the way home from one of her dance competitions because she was craving one and I had asked her if she was pregnant and she had be so shocked at first.  Then she started laughing when I thought that she was serious and her milkshake came out of her nose from laughing so hard.” I chuckled at the funny yet gross memory.  “It’s disappointing knowing that now; those are all I have left.  These memories that I have of Addie over our lifetimes will all that I get to keep with me.  She may be there with me but that is so different then her physically being there.  It just isn’t the same.  I don’t want to imagine waking up day after day without a sister anymore, I don’t want to imagine graduation without her, or thinking about what we would be doing for collage.  I don’t want to, but now I am forced to.  This road I am on has taken a sharp turn, one neither I nor nobody was ready for.  You know what is the worst?  The fact that she isn’t coming back, and I won’t see her until my time comes.  That hurts the most.”  I couldn’t hold my tears in any longer as the memories and thoughts overcame me.  I begged Addie to take the pain away as I covered my face with my hands. 

               Finding my way back to my seat “When You Are Gone” began playing and I hid my face in my elbow as I sobbed. 

               The next thing that hurt the most, hearing those around me suffering and crying. 

               “Addie help me…please I am begging you…” I whispered as I squeezed my eyes shut hoping she would hear me.  

Author's Note

So everyone, I am so sorry about not updating, I have been really busy especially now that school has started and over the summer I went to several camps(including a writing one!) but I will try to update some more stuff. Love the feedback and hope you enjoy! :)