Silent Goodbye

Evening silhouettes 

   fade into the night

Silent, still darkness

    not a cloud in sight

Gun to his side

    not a care in the world

Death on his mind

    he's done this before 

An innocent cry

    a plea for help

No one can save you

    not even yourself 

He chooses the girl

    all dressed in black

A painted smile

    a love, she lacks

Beauty, it bleeds

    from her beautiful face

Her looks, they deceive

    she's quite out of place

His hands, her eyes

    to her surprise

Her lips quickly part

    he quiets her cries

Gun to her head

    the next step, a given

He looks in her eyes

    the tears have arisen

His finger, the trigger

    goodbye unknown friend

Your beauty has silenced

    you must now meet your end

His eyes meet hers

    a helpless plea

Her voice, it shakes

    "oh please, spare me"

His finger, her lips

    he whispers a prayer

He pulls the gun back

    while she quietly stares

The gun meets his head

    she quickly cries out

The trigger is pulled

    just as she is about

To throw herself forward

    would have taken the fall

Not knowing the man

    but not caring at all

His body, the floor

    she crawls to his side

A kiss on the cheek

    a silent goodbye

Reviews

[.Lost Soul.]

Holy goodness. This is intense. It gave me the chills. The rhyming to it added everything it needed.
"Beauty, it bleeds
from her beautiful face
Her looks, they deceive
she's quite out of place"
That's quite the truth for a lot. But did he see that? Is that why he killed himself rather than her?
Amazing piece that kept my attention the whole time, a inch away from the screen.
Again, sensational write. 100/100

[Kelsey]

Wow, thank you so much, beautiful! I really appreciate it. x

[Somber Eyes]

I'm sorry to report that I am unable to give you constructive criticism on this poem. Simply put, I find nothing to criticize. However, I might suggest making a tiny change -- instead of "the tears have risen", you might consider "the tears have arisen". It means the same, but (as I read it) it makes it flow just a tiny bit better.

This poem has marvelous imagery; I can totally picture this scene in my head. The words, the imagery, and the short lines give it an ethereal, almost ghostly, feel. I particularly like how you used commas to keep the flow by replacing the now-unwritten words ("His hands, her eyes", "His finger, the trigger", "His finger, her lips", and "His body, the floor"). It makes it more dramatic than if the full thoughts were written ("His finger pulled the trigger", etc).

Beyond the words, the emotional tension is palpable, and I can easily imagine what's going through his mind in that moment when he switches from "kill her" to "kill myself". My only regret is that we don't find out why this mystery woman was so sad to begin with, but then again, the unknowing helps elevate the tension.

Wonderful job, as usual. Are you sure you're only sixteen?

[Kelsey]

Wow, what a wonderful and in-depth review. Thank you so much, it realy means the world. I'm really surprised by all of the positive feedback I've received on this piece. You covered all of the things I was hoping to see acknowledged. And as for the age comment, I must say that's a favorite compliment of mine, so I thank you once again. Your words and time spent on them are greatly appreciated.

[Maila]

Very beautifully written! Full of imagery and awesome word choice!

[Kelsey]

Thank you, lovely! x

[MachinaWriter]

I loved the flow of this piece, it was incredibly smooth. I think its one of your best written pieces by far, well constructed. I think this shows an improvement in your technique and style from when I first started reading your poetry. A better since of flow. Not to mention the story itself, which was a great read. I'm glad you shared this one, its a really great read. Keep it up. As always, a fan ^^

[Kelsey]

Thank you so much. I was really looking forward to what you had to say about it, since you've been reading my stuff since the first thing I posted. That's exactly the reaction I was hoping for. I've been trying to further mature in my writing, and expand my style a bit. I'm really glad you enjoyed it. Thanks again. x

[MachinaWriter]

Its always a pleasure to read your work ^^

[Moon]

For such a young writer you are quite excellent . I must say , your work always amazes me .

[Kelsey]

Thank you so much, lovely. It means the world. x

[†Tracey†]

I'm with Muse.. you are an old soul in a young body.. You always wow me with your words and the depth of the content.. excellent write..xo

[Kelsey]

Goodness, thank you so much. Really, it means the world and I can't possibly thank you enough. x

[Hamza]

clean and beautifully managed ...
and the flow in description ... elegant ..
the man wants to kill her and ends up killing himself .. and look at the reaction she has ...
wonder what was between them ... strangers yet so close ...
absolute beauty

[Kelsey]

Thank you so much, dear.

[Jordan's Back]

Your always writing something different from your usual :P Anyways I found this to be an awesome write, it was deep and painful and full of requited sorrow. just awesome!

[Kelsey]

I try, lol. Thank you so much, dear. x

[Jordan's Back]

No Problem

[Muse]

How old are you? You write about such a mature subject matter with dignity and grace. Keep penning sweetie...you have some talent. ;)

[Kelsey]

I'm sixteen and incredibly flattered by your kind review, that's by far one of the best compliments I could ever receive. Thank you. :)

[Muse]

not a compliment...it's just true.