Ch. 3 Awkward Complications of the Mass

It's amazing the emotions that you can feel the moment you realize there is one thing you can't have..that you want..no need, so badly. It's also the same emotions that spur through your body the moment you realize you truly need that one thing, the moment you realize that one thing is a part of you, and should remain by your side always.

 

I write here in my diary of conspiracies, games, emotions, plans, and whatever else you could possibly think I would write about. Though, none of you could answer that, because you truly don't know or understand the type of person I am, or the type of person I could be, to know of anything of which I write, think, breathe, sleep...possibly die for.

 

My heart, which I might say, is a fragile very docile organ in my body. Now, I also must say that you my dear friend that are reading this...you hold it together by one tiny thread placed so surreptitiously, that if you were to slightly tug, my heart, this sensitive organ, would fall apart at the seam.

 

When I look into your eyes friend, I see the world, as you lay it out to be. I see many opinions, many beliefs, and when my eyes look into yours I see a future, vast though unexplained, left for imagination. But, it's truly not what I see when I look into your eyes, its more likely what I feel, that draws me so close to you..and makes me so needing of you.

 

Every bone in my body will pull in me until I am placed so delivering at your side. I see your name engraved into my side, where your throne sits, though you stare blindly, past me, into the eyes of someone evil, someone undelivering of yourself. And her eyes that you see through, you believe that which does not exist, that which cannot exist, for it shall only exist for me. At least I will wish it, and of course I assume so that I should be wishing this for awhile.

 

My hands ache to reach out, to lightly brush your face, as you smile, a warm feeling that radiates from your happiness. I wish to cry when you look so happy, for that's all I can wish for you, my dear friend. My heart aches when I look at you..to know that I can never hold your face in my hands again, to be able to kiss you so, and feel every tension in my body disappear, every worry dissipate. My hand could no longer be held in yours, and I also feel like I may have lost direction, lost my way, for you are not there to lead me.

 

But what else can I say? But to think that one so foolish as yourself, is as foolish as I am to believe in such worthless ideas such as this one. But, I can't help but to love every part of your body, every trait of your damned soul, your welcoming caring hands, your loving eyes, and the part of you that keeps me at bay, even though I wish it not.