If Lautner's Abs Could Speak...

A movie review written in 2010.

…What would they say? Queries such as “Why am I suddenly more popular than (fill in the blank),” “Why can the dude attached to us not act,” and “Why do Super Hair-Removing Waxing Strips hurt so bad” are some of the more probable ones, and questions I think all of us would care to know the answers to.

If you A) have no idea who Taylor Lautner is, B) are trying to find the answers to the above questions on any type of search engine (assuming you are in school right now, put the cell phones away people, you’ll have plenty of opportunities to turn your brain to sludge on your own time), or C) are sharpening your wooden Buffy-style stake reserved especially for those of us even remotely critical of the Twilight saga, please read this paragraph closely. If you are person A, congratulations. You are either one of the most oblivious people on the planet or are from another planet fortunate enough to have not yet been subjected to the blinding white of Robert Pattinson’s chest (what’s waxing again?). If you are person B, the answer is the number seven and the letter G. And if you are person C, calm down. Put your fangs away. Lay down your stake and your thunderstorm-only baseball bat. I mean no harm to your fictional boyfriend(s).

It’s Eclipse, the movie released earlier this summer that I have a problem with. For now, let’s start with the positives, shall we? The landscape is gorgeous. Oh Canada, whatever would our angsty movie producers do without you and your spacious swampy vistas…just a perfect place to pitch a tent and stage a vampire-wolf-human showdown of yawn-worthy proportions. Speaking of action scenes, the ones in Eclipse are semi decent, at least better than they could have been. The running and fighting look much more realistic than in previous Twilight movies, and the sound effects are at least well-timed (mostly). Bella’s scene with her mother is a bit rushed, but adds a nice touch of sensitivity to the movie as a whole. I like the actors themselves in the movie; they seem relatively down-to-earth and friendly in interviews, and most have decent senses of humor, which is a definite plus.

Now, for the not-so-positive (the negative, if you will). The first flaw in the movie is the script, or writing. I’m convinced that nobody, no matter how talented, could read the lines those actors were given and not sound ridiculous. I cringe, I laugh and point, I even cry a little inside when Bella chokes out her Switzerland joke and Jacob subjects Edward to his version of “Oh, no you didn’t” in the form of a “Who’s hotter” crack. The clichés are as never-ending as Lindsay Lohan’s drug supply (how were your thirteen days in the pen, Lindsay? The guards must not have seen your fingernail polish or they wouldn’t have let you out early on good behavior), and the lines are read in tones so unconvincing that even the five-year-olds of the world forced to watch Eclipse with their Twihard mothers can’t be fooled (“Mommy, was that supposed to be funny?”). The whole movie is simply a compilation of close-up shots of Bella biting her lip, Edward looking jealous, sickly, and in some type of pain (possibly relating to his lack of a backbone), and Jacob posing up against random things (cars, motorcycles, tents, etc.) without a shirt on and saying heinous things such as, “Oh, come on, you know I’m hotter than you are, Edward.”

Is it better than the first two movies in the series? Definitely not. Eclipse is just another over-hyped fangirl creation, with little to no character substance or development, a thoroughly non-existent plot, and some nice background scenery to (hopefully) distract the audience from the horrible, horrible film mutilation taking place, possibly even (if you’re unlucky) in 3-D. Some would argue this technological advance makes the movie just as horrible, only magnified to a much larger scale that is possibly even capable of scarring your retinas for life (because, didn’t you know, real men sparkle blindingly in 3-D, and emit strange xylophone-esque tinkling sounds when they do so?) Over all, a movie I hope to never have to see again, unless in jest. For those of you out there who love the movie…well, good for you. I hope it serves you well. For those of you not sure if you’re into the show-tune sparkle vamps of Stephenie Meyer’s creation, why not check out the billion and a half other vampire movies that don’t involve corny romance and horrible acting? You never know; you might just find something you like.  

Author's Note

I wrote this movie review for my high school newspaper way back in 2010, after Eclipse came out in theaters. It's just a bit of fun, people...don't take it too seriously :)

Reviews

[Tree]

Great title. Had to laugh out loud when I read this: “Why can the dude attached to us not act,” that just set the tone. This was creative and funny too.