a moment in my life

For my first shared piece of work, here is a first draft journal entry of a brief moment from my day

The weather was sunny and warm, yet they still hadn't turned on the fountains. Enjoying the peace and quiet, Charles and I sat at the area downtown known as the splash pad and stared at the silent fountains, longing for the opportunity to run through them once the season started.
"Mommy, why aren't the fountains on?" asked a little girl, too young to understand that it was not yet summer.
"They won't turn on until after Memorial day," replied the young mother, a little distracted by her phone.
We sat on that bench for a couple hours, soaking up the sun and our surroundings. Our friend JR rode up to us on his bicycle. In his hand was his pet lizard, Dax.
"Can you believe this little guy loves going on bike rides?" he exclaimed, excited to show off his little friend.
"He looks very happy," I replied. "Can I hold him?"
"Sure, he loves people."
I reached out my hands and the little lizard crawled onto me and settled in to be pet.
"You are so adorable," I started cooing to the docile lizard.
I pet him for a while as I continued to talk to my friend.
"So, how are things going with the move to Nashville?"
"Pretty good," he replied in his usual nonchalant manner, "I have a meeting on Wednesday to discuss my music."
"Wow! That's great! So, things are really coming along. That's exciting!"
"Yeah, let's hope."
"Well, good luck. This is great news."
"Thanks."
"We're still looking into moving to Chesterfield," chimed in Charles.
"That's good. I hope things work out for you guys as well."
"Thanks," I replied, "we're really excited about the move. I can't wait to get out of here, although there will be some things that I will miss."
Not long after our conversation ended, our friend was on his way, and Charles and I were on our own again. I sat there, in that moment, and thought to myself, "I will miss downtown Winchester once I'm gone."

Author's Note

Remember this was a first draft. Any comments on the structure and dialogue will be greatly appreciated.

Reviews

[Samuel Dickens]

Quite good, although it could use a bit of polishing. You said it was a first draft, so I expect you'll do that. There's ambiguity in the words "distracted by her phone", and one can't tell if the phone distracts from listening to the daughter, or vice versa.

[Allison Knapp]

Thanks for your input. I appreciate the insight and I will consider it in my revision

[samanthaashley_]

I really like the end! the lizard piece was cute and uplifting.. you don't get a lot of that on here :) the only thing to consider is "not knowing the right way to respond to her daughter.".. is there a way that she should have responded instead, or a reason that the response wasn't "right"? I think that word just confused me a little, but it is easy to make clear. great job and welcome to WC!

[Allison Knapp]

Thanks for the insight and advice. It was greatly appreciated.

[samanthaashley_]

any time!!

[Allison Knapp]

I went back and revised the suggested part. Thanks for the tip

[samanthaashley_]

it looks great!

[Allison Knapp]

Thank you :)