Chapter One

Chapter One:

First, you think the worst is a broken heart…

The searing pain jabbed at me like a blunt knife which made it hard to breath. It felt like the wind was knocked out of me and I could only draw in short, clipped breaths into my deprived lungs. I fell to the ground clutching my chest and felt the cold, hard brick under my bare legs. I saw white spots for a moment, but didn’t pass out. No, that would be too easy; to not be able to feel the pain left by the memories we made.

As I watched his retreating figure weave its way through the garden path, I couldn’t help but notice how surreal it all really was. There was fog creeping up the sides of the dark green hedges in the distance with the morning sun slowly making it retreat backwards. The rose bushes were glistening with dew from the cool night that had befallen the simple town I lived in. The sun was slowly peaking through the trees in the distance with the songbirds singing their morning tune that was far too happy for my liking. Then there was the fountain which I was by. I could hear the slow trickle of water running over the stone and into the next tier full of water.

It all felt like a dream.

…

“Anna, we need to talk,” Jesse said as he came up behind me unexpectedly making a shiver run down my back.

“Alright, what is it that you need to talk to me about?” I said playfully turning around and taking a step back.

He was serious then. A dark look came over his face for a split second before it was replaced by a blank stare, but not before I took notice of his gloomy mood. He then smiled at me, and I could tell that it was forced; I knew him well enough to tell. He then took a step towards me and took my hand.

“Come on, Anna. Let’s go into the gardens,” he mumbled as he tugged me towards the door.

As we walked towards the double doors that led to the gardens, I pondered what he wanted to talk about that would make him so unhappy. Usually, he was all smiles, but whatever it was that had him in such a brooding mood was a serious matter.

We entered out into the dawn of the morning through the heavy oak doors and he let go of my hand to heave the one we went through shut behind us. I hadn’t realized how chilly it was in the morning still and was started to regret coming out into the brisk morning without a jacket. Jesse grabbed my hand and led me down the walkway to stand by the glistening fountain. I could hear the rush of the water and was distracted until he cleared his throat making me look up into his chocolate brown eyes.

“Look, Anna,” he started, but stopped abruptly.

I touched his face and gave him a loving look, encouraging him to talk to me.

He took a deep breath and started again.

“Anna, I love you...”

“I love you too,” I replied back instantly.

“But…” he trailed off with a distant look in his eyes.

“But,” I repeated, shocked.

“I love you, I really do, but Anna I’m not in love with you.”

I let the words sink in. He wasn’t in love with me. I felt hollow with those words ringing in my mind; my breath starting to speed up.

“You’re not in love with me?”

“No.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“So, when you said you loved me…” I trailed off not really knowing how to ask my question.

“I mean more as a friend, Anna,” he said, seeming to know what I meant.

That was when I heard his dad call for him at the door. His head whipped around quickly to the faded voice and yelled that he was coming.

“Look, Anna. I will talk to you later. Just… right now I really need to go and get to a meeting.”

“Okay,” I said weakly.

Then he turned around and walked away.

I didn’t cry, no I just felt…numb. Heartbroken was an understatement.

Now we come to the present where I am sitting on the ground right now letting it all sink in.

I never loved you.

Four words. Four words that were literally tearing me apart right now. It was like someone took a dagger and mercilessly plunged it into my heart and just to make sure they had the maximum affect, they twisted it around and around so that there would never be a chance to fix it.

I was hollow.

I didn’t feel anything as I watched him walk away from me. I felt exposed for the first time since he broke my walls down and made me vulnerable. I felt broken down and used.

No, I didn’t cry, but I felt like I died inside. All that was left was my body and my mind had gone to a place where things were better; a dream was what it truly was.

So, this brings us to the next part and it’s what might just kill me.