73. Fanfiction

Jocelyn's idea! The longest chapter I've ever written of LCCC... :3

*In Quantico*

 

*Thanks to her trusty Vortex Manipulator, Olivia and her three companions arrive to work on time for once. The last few times, they had to leave late because Olivia and the Doctor would not stop snogging. The four walk into the bullpen, expecting to be congratulated by their teammates for being early for once. Only, they find them crowded around a computer. Reid is sitting in the seat, and Morgan is moving the mouse. Their eyes are popping out of their skulls*

 

Mayisha: I wonder what’s going on.

 

Me: Another case?

 

Megan: What case could be so bad that they would look like that?

 

Jocelyn: I guess we’ll go find out.

 

*The four walk over to them*

 

Jocelyn: Hey, guys, what’s--

 

Reid: Jocelyn…?

 

Me: That tone of voice never sounds good.

 

Morgan: I think Hotch is going to suspend you guys.

 

Me: *is worried* Whatever for?

 

Reid: *points*

 

*The computer shows… OLIVIA’S WRITER’S CAFÉ PROFILE!*

 

Me: WTF!? WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON THERE?!

 

Morgan: We found it by accident.

 

Prentiss: You sure have a LOT of pictures of the Doctor and Hotch on there.

 

JJ: You sent him into a frenzy.

 

Jocelyn: Where is Hotch, anyway?

 

JJ: *points*

 

*Hotch is in the corner of the room. He’s rocking back and forth like Olivia does when Justin Bieber comes on the radio, his eyes closed, muttering to himself. Olivia’s mouth drops open, followed by the other three’s mouths*

 

Me: I-is he okay?

 

Prentiss: He’s been in a panic all morning.

 

Me: Nothing really bad is on there… is there?

 

Morgan: *points*

 

*The computer displays Olivia’s gaggle of Criminal Minds poems*

 

Me: Oh s**t.

 

Jocelyn: I knew you shouldn’t have written those!

 

Gideon: …You wrote a poem about me?

 

Me: I WAS WATCHING A YOU-CENTRIC EPISODE.

 

Morgan: But at least you didn’t do what Mayisha did.

 

Megan: What did Mayisha do?

 

Morgan: She wrote a poem about me, and about Hotch being abused.

 

Mayisha: You found that? Oh hell.

 

Me: Hell is right.

 

Reid: You wrote a poem… about me after the drug addiction…

 

Me: It was after I watched Revelations!

 

Reid: DIDN’T YOU THINK OF WHAT I WOULD THINK!?

 

Me: I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW YOU EXISTED!

 

Reid: WELL--

 

Hotchner: *walks over, still shaking* Olivia?

 

Me: Y-yes sir?

 

Hotchner: WHAT. THE HELL. IS WRONG. WITH YOU.

 

Me: E-everything sir.

 

Hotchner: …

 

Morgan: O-okay then.

 

Prentiss: Wait, Jocelyn’s profile?

 

Jocelyn: DON’T CLICK ON THAT!!

 

JJ: You wrote a poem about the Doctor.

 

Prentiss: You have a lot of pictures of the Doctor.

 

Reid: *sighs* Thank God. My love is clean.

 

JJ: *giggles* You’re Who?

 

Reid: NOTHING. Nothing.

 

Prentiss: What about Megan’s profile?

 

Me: *whispers to Reid* Is there anything about Gideon on there?

 

Reid: *hits me* Don’t even JOKE about that! You’re not the one with the eidetic memory.

 

Me: *shrugs* Whatever.

 

Reid: Who’s that? *points to Megan’s avatar*

 

Megan: That’s, um, my boyfriend.

 

Gideon: THAT’S your boyfriend.

 

Me: *mutters to myself* He’s probably comparing himself with Meg’s boyfriend.

 

Gideon: What was that?

 

Me: Nothing, nothing.

 

Gideon: It BETTER be nothing.

 

Me: It is, believe me.

 

Prentiss: Wait, what’s this link?

 

Megan, Mayisha, Jocelyn and I: DON’T CLICK ON THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Morgan: *clicks on it*

 

Gideon: Fanfiction.net?

 

Me: Nooo… Noooo…

 

Hotchner: What’s so wrong with this website?

 

Jocelyn: You thought Writer’s Café was bad?

 

Mayisha: This is a hell of a lot worse?

 

Reid: Ooh, look, there’s a Criminal Minds section!

 

Me: DON’T CLICK ON THAT!

 

Reid: *clicks on it*

 

Hotchner: Wait… what’s slash?

 

Me: I’m going to kill myself. *bangs head on table*

 

Morgan: Morgan slash Reid?

 

Jocelyn: Oh hell…

 

Morgan: *clicks on the Morgan/Reid fic*

 

Morgan: Oh… OH MY GOD.

 

Me: I TOLD YOU.

 

Reid: WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS PERSON?

 

Morgan: *reads* “Morgan leaned forward and promptly kissed Reid full in the lips. The young genius found he liked this and leaned forward a bit more, now searching Morgan’s chest…” Oh dear God.

 

Hotchner: For Christ’s sake…

 

Reid: The M section?

 

Me: NO! NO! NOOOOOOO…!!!!!

 

Reid: *clicks on it*

 

Hotchner: What’s Hotch/Reid M rating? What’s smut?

 

Megan: You really ARE old.

 

Me: PAWS OFF MY MAN.

 

Gideon: Oh my goodness.

 

Reid: Oh dear… *promptly falls over and faints*

 

Hotchner: T-that’s awful!

 

Me: That’s probably not the worst.

 

Prentiss: Hotch/Prentiss?

 

Hotchner: NO MORE. NO MORE.

 

Me: Hotch sleeps around.

 

Jocelyn: He’s literally been with everyone on the team.

 

Mayisha: Including Strauss, Anderson, and random people.

 

Hotchner: MAKE IT STOP.

 

Me: People are twisted.

 

Hotchner: M-me and G-Gideon?

 

Gideon: Click on it!

 

Me: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

 

Gideon: FORGET IT. I DON’T WANT TO SEE THAT.

 

Morgan: Hotch and I-I?

 

Me: I told you, Hotch sleeps around.

 

Hotchner: FOR THE RECORD, I’VE NEEEEEVER SLEPT WITH ANYONE ON THIS TEAM.

 

JJ: Mayisha’s profile is… featuring a fic about Hotch and I?

 

Hotchner: MAKE IT STOP!!

 

Me: It’s okay Hotchy. *hugs him*

 

JJ: Okay, that’s just gross.

 

Morgan: Navigate AWAY from the M section, please.

 

Garcia: *walks in* Hey guys, what’s going-- OH MY GOD. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU READING?! Emily and Jayje?

 

Prentiss: Oh dear God.

 

JJ: WHY DO PEOPLE THINK WE’RE TOGETHER?

 

Hotchner: There’s more Emily and I M fics than any other…

 

Prentiss: Ew, no! …Sorry, sir.

 

Hotchner: No offence taken.

 

Reid: OH. MY. GOD.

 

Hotchner: What is it?

 

Reid: *points to the screen* Reid/Tobias.

 

Morgan: Oh, that’s just messed up.

 

Prentiss: that’s sick.

 

Jocelyn: That’s worse than Hotch/Reid.

 

Reid: I seriously think I’m going to throw up. *faints again*

 

Jocelyn: My poor Reid… *goes down with him to revive him*

 

Me: Dear God.

 

Hotchner: We’re with the UNSUBS too?!

 

Gideon: Adrian and I? No, just… no.

 

Me: Gideon/Frank. Yuck.

 

Gideon: someone DARES to think I would be with that PSYCHO?!

 

Me: Love is a powerful thing…

 

Hotchner: …Really?

 

Me: I’M JUST SAYING!

 

Mayisha: I CAN’T LOOK AT YOU GUYS THE SAME EVER AGAIN.

 

Megan: I want the Master… *whines*

 

Morgan: According to the M sections, the Master’s had quite a few flings.

 

Me: THESE. AREN’T REAL.

 

Morgan: Who says that aren’t?

 

Garcia: So you had a fling with me? And Reid? And Hotch? And JJ? And--

 

Morgan: Okay, we get the picture! So maybe they aren’t real.

 

Me: *points to the one about Rose/Doctor* I sure as hell hope THAT’S not real.

 

Hotchner: Who’s Rose?

 

Me: A… Previous… companion… Of… the… Doctor…

 

Jocelyn: THE DOCTOR’S OLD GIRLFRIEND. Until, that is, she got locked away in another dimension.

 

Me: DID YOU HAVE TO BRING HER UP?!

 

Jocelyn: I’m just telling him the truth.

 

Hotchner: His old… girlfriend?

 

Me: That’s what everyone thinks. *sighs* she’s my only competition.

 

Mayisha: That, Martha, and the ENTIRE Doctor Who fan girl -- not to mention some fan boy -- population.

 

Me: DON’T REMIND ME.

 

Hotchner: You have me!

 

Me: I WANT THE DOCTOR! *whines*

 

Hotchner: You sure know how to make a guy feel unwanted.

 

Me: HOTCHY! *mauls him*

 

Garcia: Okay, could SOMEONE shut off the computer.

 

Jocelyn: Guys, Reid’s not waking up!

 

Gideon: Oh, he does that.

 

JJ: He’ll be up if you do something spontaneous.

 

Mayisha: Like slap him?

 

Jocelyn: *kisses him*

 

Reid: *jumps up* WHO THE HELL WAS KISSING ME?!

 

Jocelyn: Oh… That was… MORGAN!

 

Morgan: WHAT?!

 

Jocelyn: MORGAN LOVES REID!

 

JJ: Jeez, Jocelyn, why’d you tell him Morgan? When it was obviously…

 

Jocelyn: JJ!

 

JJ: …Emily!

 

Reid: What?! Emily was kissing me?!

 

Prentiss: WHAT?! EW! NO!

 

Reid: Thanks, Em.

 

Prentiss: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU ALL. It was obviously Gideon.

 

Gideon: WHAT?!

 

Me: *cracks up*

 

Gideon: It was Morgan, for God’s sake.

 

Morgan: NOOO IT WASN’T.

 

Reid: MORGAN, YOU IDIOT! *chases him around the bullpen*

 

Garcia: *infects the computer with a virus*

 

JJ: Hey, what was that for?

 

Garcia: So none of you could look me up sleeping with Hotch or something.

 

Hotchner: WHY ME?! WHYYYY MEEEE?!

 

Me: HOTCHY! *mauls him again*

 

Gideon: This team is weird.

 

Everyone Else: YOU THINK?!

Author's Note

>:D BEST. CHAPTER. EVER.

Reviews

[Grace Catherine C.]

okay i didn't read all of this but what i did read made me laugh VERY much. Spencer and Derek.....*shivers*

[Sarah E. Pearson]

OMG!!!!!!! BEST CHAPTER YETTTT!!!!!

[The Timelord]

WHERE IS THE MASTER????????????????? This chapter made me laugh.

[~goh~]

Ooooh dear, they discovered Fanfiction.net.
And the slash, yaoi, yuri, and other delicious fics of the like.
Best. Chapter. Evar. >:D

[Some Random Person.]

LOL! Of course this team is wierd. It always was, and it always will be.... :D

[Roxi L]

BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I DEAD FROM LAUGHING. OMG THAT WAS AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *RANDOM SPAZ ATTACK* PINEAPPLE PUDDING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Short.Nerd]

OMG THAT WAS THE FUNNIEST THING I'VE READ ALL DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And I'm pretty sure I just died from laughing... then came back to life finished reading this and died again. I loved it and I agree with you! Best. Chapter. Ever. :D

[Aurora Lynn]

................
I think I died.
From.
The.
AWESOMENESS.
Who said I never had good ideas?

[compositionc]

Tahahahahahahahshshahshshshahahahahahahagahahahagahahahahahahahahagagagagagag

Only thing I can say.