40. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?!

A Chapter by halflives

*On the jet home from Denver, Colorado*

*Reid is sitting a teensy bit too close to Jocelyn, and Jack is getting jealous. He’s sitting about a foot away from them, brooding. Reid and Jocelyn are talking about Doctor Who. Mayisha, Gideon, Hotchner, Prentiss and JJ are playing poker. Morgan is listening to his headphones. Suddenly, there is a loud bump in what sounds like the bathroom*

Jocelyn: … *is scared* What was that?

Hotchner: *stands up cautiously*

Gideon: It sounds like it came from the bathroom…

Mayisha: THERE’S A STOWAWAY IN THE BATHROOM??!!

Reid: What a wonderful place to stow away.

Gideon: It IS the most efficient place to hide…

Hotchner: *attentively goes over to the door*

*Before Hotch can open the door, the door itself bursts open. Smoke drains out. Then, suddenly, no one other than THE DOCTOR stumbles out of the smoke, in the midst of a coughing fit. He using his left hand to hold himself up as he coughs into his arm, looking at the ground. The present members of the BAU stare at him in utter confusion. He then stands, shutting the door behind him. When he turns to face the three girls he travels with, his girlfriend (ME!!!) being missing, he raises an eyebrow*

Doctor: Okay, something’s wrong. One, *points to Reid and Jocelyn* someone BESIDES Jack is sitting a bit close to Jocelyn other than her usual friends. *Reid scoots away from Joss a bit, self-conscious* B, no, two, there are strange people on a jet along with my usual crew. Three, the most important, WHERE IS THE UNIVERSE IS MY GIRLFRIEND???!!!

Jocelyn: Okay, okay! Calm it down!

Doctor: HOW CAN I POSSIBLY CALM DOWN WHEN MY GIRLFRIEND IS GOOOONE?!

Mayisha: She was JUST shot and tortured. Now she’s on crutches. No biggie.

Doctor: SHE’S WHAT?!

Jocelyn and Megan: MAYISHA!

Mayisha: Just saying.

Gideon: *stands* Excuse me, sir, but I was wondering: What are you doing in an FBI jet’s bathroom?

Doctor: Oh that’s-- wait, you guys are the FBI?

Hotchner: *glares* We’re the Behavioral Analysis Unit. Who are you?

Jocelyn: THIS is the Doctor.

Doctor: *waves* Hello~

Jocelyn: *runs up to the Doctor* *slaps him hard across the face* WHERE WERE YOU?!

Doctor: W-what?

Mayisha: *as Jocelyn walks away, she goes up and slaps the Doc as well* YOU WERE GONE FOR SOOO LONG!!

Doctor: I was WHAT?

Megan: *as Mayisha walks away, she goes up and slaps the Doc for the final time* AND WHERE THE HECK IS THE MASTER?!

Doctor: Um, what?

Megan, Mayisha and Jocelyn: WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN???!!!

Doctor: Oh, I was having tea with Martha and Mickey! I was only gone for a day. What do they say on Earth these days? Oh yes; Chillax, it wasn’t even that long.

Mayisha: Don’t. Just… don’t.

Jocelyn: YOU WERE GONE FOR THREE WEEKS!

Doctor: I was what?

Megan: THREE. DARN. WEEKS.

Doctor: B-but that’s impossible. I was only gone for a day! *realization* Unless… The TARDIS skipped a time track when bringing me back to where you guys were and I ended up three weeks away from my destination of where I wanted to go…

Mayisha, Megan and Jocelyn: THREE WEEKS!

Megan: Olivia got tortured!

Mayisha: And shot!

Jocelyn: Twice!

Megan: And we were being held hostage by a human gunman, and YOU OR the Master lent a hand! I have a FLUPPING GUN pressed to my head, the BAU thankfully came in time!

Mayisha: So we’re alive, thanks to the BAU.

Hotchner and Gideon: *look very proud of themselves*

Doctor: I’m sorry… Who’re you?

Hotchner: I’m SSA Hotchner, and this is SSA Gideon. We’re the heads of the BAU. You are the Doctor, you say?

Doctor: *does salute* Yes sir.

Hotchner: Then you’re Olivia’s boyfriend, yes?

Doctor: Yes sir.

Hotchner: *face falls* Oh…

Doctor: You said she was on crutches and shot and tortured? Goodness, I leave you for a few weeks, and BAM! You can’t keep yourselves out of trouble, can you?

Jocelyn: No sir. *salutes*

Doctor: Oh, don’t salute!

Jocelyn: Meh. *sticks tongue out*

Hotchner: You never answered; How, exactly, did you get on this jet?

Reid: OH MY GOODNESS!

Everyone: *turns to look at him*

Reid: You’re the DOCTOR!

Doctor: …Yes, I’m the Doctor.

Reid: The Time Lord that travels through space and time in his TARDIS? Who can regenerate when he’s very close to death? Who takes on companions and shows them the wonders of the universe?

Doctor: …Yes, that’s me. How in the universe do you know so much?

Reid: …I watch TV.

Jocelyn: He watches Doctor Who.

Doctor: And WHY do they document my life, again?

Reid: HE’S REAL!

Jocelyn, Megan, and Mayisha: NO DIP!

Reid: I mean… But… Oh…

Doctor: Where are we going? I’m going to park my TARDIS elsewhere.

Jocelyn: *gives him the address*

Doctor: Okay. *goes back into the bathroom and shuts the door*

*The BAU can hear the distant sound of the TARDIS taking off. Then, silence*

Reid: HE’S REAL!

Mayisha: that was… awkward.

Gideon: *goes over to the bathroom* *opens the door* He’s gone.

Jocelyn: Y-E-S… *slowly*

Megan: THIS OLD MAN IS SLOW! BELIEVE ME, I HAD TO SPEND A DAY OR TWO WITH HIM!

Gideon: I WASN’T SLOW WHEN I TOOK THE KIT KAT FROM YOU, EH?

Megan: Jason!

Gideon: Megan!

Jocelyn: THIS could be while…

Mayisha: *gets popcorn*

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© 2011 halflives

Author's Note

Finally, the Doctor has returned! What's my reaction going to be? How's Hotch going to take that my boyfriend is in my life again now? How will the Doctor react with Olivia flirting with Hotch?
FIND OUT!!