Breaking Down

The days passed and I soon got over the petty things. 

KiKi and I were again talking, though now I had known she saw him almost every weekend. She stayed at his place a lot, and...they had sex...a lot. I really didn’t want to know that part, but Adrian felt it was in my best interest to know. 

He is indeed a moron. 

That wasn’t the only story I had learned about through them though. There were plenty. 

The one that got me the most is what I now refer to as the pool house incident. I guess it happened a while back though, and I didn’t know them back then. So, I’m trying to forget about it.

The days had passed, and things were settling back to normal, for the most part. I still had a little anger lingering, or was it jealousy, well, whatever it was, it was there, just tugging at the edges of my mind. It was just whispering in my ear that I should show her the other options, just walk up and lay it all out, kiss her and deal with the pain, because at least then it would be a physical pain rather than the emotional pain that gnawed at me so constantly. 

But as always, I was the good guy. I stayed quiet about all of it. 

I knew Milo and the guys knew it already, I wouldn’t have been surprised if KiKi already knew for herself.  And that big secret I was holding and the unwelcome sharing was finally getting to me, and for the first time since I arrived I just started doing what they did. 

I vanished. 

When things got too rough I tried to run away, if only I had more than one place to run away to. Every time I tried to find somewhere new I found myself sitting under that tree, and every time I found someone else there to bug me within the first half hour. It just wasn’t fair! 

They all could sneak out, run away, be free, do whatever they wanted! But me, I was always trapped under someone’s wing.

                This time however the interruption wasn’t exactly as despised as it normally was. Looking up at the two deep blue oceans that stared at me I couldn’t help but smile, no matter how frustrated I was that yet again I couldn’t run away successfully. “You’ve been distant.” She stated simply. Not a question. Nothing really to respond to, but I felt like responding anyways. 

Hoping that playing out of character might alert her.

                “Yea. I have been.” I answered bluntly, looking down so I didn’t have to look at her. So I didn’t have to smile. “You haven’t exactly been around either.” I lied. I knew when she was coming around. Sky would tell me, and I would make up some bullshit excuse to leave the dorm. 

I have to go get groceries, prescriptions, fresh air, something to eat, anything that I could come up with.

  “Right, and I’m guessing you suddenly need to go buy groceries again now?” She prodded quite bluntly as she sat down beside me, the same place she had sat what seemed like years ago. 

Only know everything was different. It wasn’t calm. There was no alcohol. There was no blue sky. We weren’t happy. I wasn’t planning to join in on something that almost got me killed. It was just… insane. 

Everything changed at once, and one sight, no matter how many times I told myself I was over it still changed everything I saw. Looking over to the other tree I still saw the two of them. Heard the quiet whispers. It all haunted me like a scar burned into my brain.

                “I actually do this time.” I mumbled trying to lighten the mood. “Adrian ate all the cereal. Again. And I think I saw him violating our Swiss,” I heard her let out an angry sigh, and looking up at the sky I said yet another stupid, risky thing. “But I’ll stay for a while and talk.” I stated blankly as my eyes traced the clouds in the gray sky.

                Then there was a sharp pain in my side as her elbow was firmly planted there. “Somethings been bugging you hasn’t it?” She asked, clearly leading into something bigger, but I followed just to see where exactly she was leading, simply nodding in response. “Huh? What was that?” She prodded. Clearly this was going to be a vocal exercise.

                “Yea. Something has been bugging me. It’s not that difficult to see that.” I stated quietly. Not really wanting to see where this went anymore, but it was too late to back out now. I would have to hope for a text from Milo or Tyler telling me to get back to the dorm, but for all I knew she brought them out here with her and they were hiding behind trees like idiots since they didn’t want to ask me personally what’s been bugging me.

“What was that? Speak up. What ever happened to the manning up stuff? You sure don’t seem like a man right now.” She stated. Her prods turning into personal jabs. 

Man, I loved this girl, but she was my favorite pain more than anything right now.

                “Yes! Something is bugging me! Thank you, Captain Obvious! I’ll solve your next big mystery! The thing you’re sitting under is a tree! The stuff under your a*s is grass!” I snapped. Not even sure why. 

I just… snapped. 

Something inside me was full of bottling it all up. I had to rip it all out on someone, and Kiki just so happened to be the nearest someone.

                “There we go! No we’re making progress!” She yelled back, spurring me to get louder. “Now what the hell is bugging you?!” She continued questioning while I was compromised. 

I didn’t even know what I was doing anymore. It was like I was in auto-pilot. It felt good to just yell, but it felt terrible. 

I was yelling at her.

                Before I could get a grip on myself it all just started to fly out. “I can’t be him!” I practically screamed pointing at the tree where they had been. “I can’t get that close! I can’t say how I feel! I can’t stop thinking about everything everyone has told me! I can’t keep my composure! I’m a f*****g mess! Those idiots keep talking about you to get me worked up, and then follow me so I can’t get away from it! Like it’s some sort of mother f*****g game! Who can make Tony commit suicide first?! America’s next great game show! Don’t ya think!?” I just kept rattling them off. 

Everything. 

I could have torn my own heart out and set it at her feet and it would  have been less brutal then that. And when I finished, I cringed. That I just let that all out. All of it. Just like that. I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t even look at her face. I couldn’t look around. My heart was heavy. My mind was misted. My sight was compromised by overwhelming… everything as I finally got myself back up. 

“Now… I have to go get those groceries… Text me if you wanna chat.” I said solemnly as I walked out into the parking lot. Lifting Milo’s keys once more in my hand as I unlocked the door and embraced the stench of the car. 

Closing the doors and locking them. Not even turning it on. Just… sitting there. Staring at the steering wheel as what I had just done reeled back and hit me again. I just started swinging. I didn’t care what I hit. The steering wheel. The rear view. The shifter. The dash. The chair. Myself. I just hit everything. I just kept swinging, and swinging. 

Finally, it was all getting out until I was left there, clutching the steering wheel with shaky hands, resisting the urge to break into tears as I drove off the lot.

Author's Note

Please ignore any spelling or grammatical errors.