A Tragic Past

“So...” I said now playing with the lose strings of my pillow.

He rolled over to his back and sighed, “Life isn’t worth this,” he explained. 

“What d’ya mean?” I said in a whisper.

“Being surrounded by death...,” he stated in a whisper as well.

“You’re not surr-” I was cut off by his deep voice.

“Shut up and let me talk, Tony,” with those words I could feel the heavy atmosphere set in as he huffed and sat up. Grabbing a cigarette he lit and inhaled the toxins...while in bed. The orange light made his face visible. 

That’s real safe. 

The pain sparkled in his eyes; he was about to go on to something that was more than stress over school. It was more than anything I could’ve ever imagined. 

“My past and future are starting to collide,” he whispered. Tapping some of the cigarettes ashes into the small ash tray that now set on his bed as well. I was anticipating something to burst into flames.

“When...when I was younger...eight to be exact...I was in a car accident,” he said sadly. 

Of course I didn’t see why that would make him so depressed...I mean who hasn’t been in at least one car accident in their life?

“So?” I couldn’t stop the small word from running past my lips. I could see the glare flashed at me in an orange light, “Sorry...I’ll shut up,” I mumbled. Falling silent again he puffed out smoke rings.

“So, you wanna know what happened on that fateful night in the California darkness? I became orphaned,” he spat at me. This time there was no comment from me. He didn’t act like he lost his parents. I wanted to know more. I was now full of questions, though...I wasn’t going to risk asking any and having him close up on me. 

“A drunk driver. He took their life...yet...I was forced to live. I was sent from foster home to foster home because of bad behavior. I wasn’t really able to be handled. I feel into a bad crowd. I was introduced to a lot of the things I do now. Alcohol. Cigarettes. Weed. You know...stuff,” he said while finishing off his cigarette and putting it out in the small glass tray that was burned and stained black around the edges.

“You guys drive under the influences of a lot of things... doesn’t the fact that you lost your parents to a driver that was under the influence make you think? Why didn’t any of your relatives take you in? Why do you still do those things?” I paused realizing the questions that I was now asking. 

I rolled onto my stomach and spoke into the pillow for two reasons. 1. Shame that I had asked questions that were so incredibly personal. 2. The smell of the nicotine infested smoke was burning my lungs.

“I don’t. Just because they do...doesn’t mean that...I drive like that. And if you must know...my family blamed me for the death of my parents because I survived and they didn’t. I was considered Satan’s child and they wanted nothing to do with me. So, I was put in a home. And I do them because...I just do,” he said stiffly.

“Oh...that’s....that’s really....fucked up,” I couldn’t reply with much else. I just didn’t understand how a group of supposedly mature adults could blame a child from something so unpredictable and uncontrollable. 

“Anyway, shut up and let me continue,” I nodded with a small smirk while he started up again, “Well...finally...after several foster homes one was finally working out for me, and things started to feel like they were going to be alright. Yeah...I still did ‘bad’ things or whatever you wanna call it, but I was in a good place. I had friends, decent grades, a good home life, a stable job, and I had met an amazing...person,” he laid back down.

“Where you in California when you met this...amazing person?” I asked now thinking back to the photos I found.

“Yeah...that’s where I met two amazing people...at very different stages of my life.” He explained.

“Who are they?” I asked now assuming those people were defiantly the people he had photos of. That is unless those amazing people had been Tyler and Adrian...or maybe KiKi. It honestly could’ve been any combination of the three. 

The two people could’ve been anyone.

“Brian S. Reedes and Jasey R. Lockwood,” he said with a little bit of pride in his voice. He smiled through the darkness I could see that small smug smile. “I met Brian first...he was the first amazing person I met in Cali...after getting my first decent foster home. I was twelve when we met. Brian was thirteen. He was my best friend...actually the only real friend I had there. We were inseparable...in harmony with each other. He knew everything about me. My personal therapist. I trusted him...and never doubted him.” he explained with a tone that sounded heart broken.

“What happened?” I asked softly.

“Tony...before I continue...you should know...I’m gay,” he said shortly.

I would’ve acted more surprised if I hadn’t already suspected it. Though, I would’ve never expected it to be true. He was very open about his sexuality...without being open about it. He never said it, but you always wondered just by the way he acted, dressed, and even looked at certain people.

Especially Tyler.

  “I know,” I said without thinking. Of course there was a moment of silent before he continued again. Maybe my word choice wasn’t exactly the best, but he didn’t seem to mind too much or he probably would’ve stopped talking entirely....I think.

“Yeah...well...back to the story,” he stumbled over his words. No longer was each thing he said graceful and smooth. It became scattered and clumsy. I waited patiently, we had all night...no need to rush something that must’ve been so...traumatic or life changing into words.

“When I was younger, before my parents died, I was put in a Catholic school being fed the lies of religion. Liking boys was bad, not getting married was a sin, sex before marriage as well...the whole nine yards. I was a bit of a rebel and without question I was indeed a trouble maker. I saw the world in a different light, and didn’t enjoy being told what I was to believe and what I was told not to believe. I questioned the bible a lot....that well...that put me in detention a lot. Anyway, I’m getting off topic as to why I’m telling you this,” he laughed a little and pushed some of his blanket down. 

I stayed quiet and only listened, the life of Milo was sounding so...tragic. 

“One day, one the playground, when I didn’t have detention, I was playing with my best friend, Joshua. We were playing with our transformer cars on the blacktop of the playground. No one knew I had a little crush on him. Hell, I didn’t even really know, but we had been talking about girls. Well...he had been talking about girls...I was just listening. He looked at me with his soft hazel eyes and his blonde hair blew in the soft breeze as he said he was worried about kissing a girl. Granted we were in first grade, but he had an older brother who was in a long term relationship with some girl. So, he was exposed to ‘dating’ at a young age. I didn’t think much into it and I leaned in and kissed him.” 

There was a long pause now, “He was upset...shocked even. I was instantly dragged off the playground by a teacher and scolded. I remember crying in the classroom while I was lectured about how liking boys sent you to hell. In class no one talked to me anymore, I was picked out, pushed around. That was the year I vowed to never take people’s s**t again. I started learning self defense, my family put me in a different school, and I never came clean about my sexuality again...until I met Brian that is.”

I had to admit I was a little surprised that Milo had gone to a religious school. It was all starting to fall together. The kid had been through a lot in the little time he had even been on this Earth. I closed my eyes now, taking in the sights. An LA sun burning a blacktop where two boys sat playing, harming no one. Then seconds after the incident...creating a personal hell for one of the two boys.

“When I met Brian he was open and proud of his sexuality. He was a fourteen year old boy that wasn’t in shame of his own sexuality. I envied that. He didn’t care when the others picked on him. In fact...it was like it didn’t even phase him. Compared to him, I was weak. By the time I was thirteen he knew almost all of my dirty little secrets, and had got me to come out with my sexuality. Fifteen years old we were an item...and were just learning the party scene. By the time I was sixteen you couldn’t control my party bug, and well...Brian became my guardian when it came down to partying. Though, one night when Brian and and I were sitting at the beach during one of the big parties we saw a new face. A lost expression filled this boys eyes. We took it upon ourselves to greet him. I was mildly sober at the time. The kid ironically was Tyler. He was in LA on vacation with his family,” he laughed a little.

I was thrown off a little and I had to ask another question, “What was Tyler doing at one of those parties when he wasn’t from around there? How’d he find it?” 

Okay...so maybe it was two questions.

“Shut up, Tony. I was getting there,” he said throwing a pillow at me.

“Okay. Okay. Go on,” I said with a chuckle.

away from the fire. Sitting on the sand he watched the ocean, he looked tired and was shaking. I followed him and he mumbled to me ‘Take a picture of this moment right now, Skylar.’ When I asked why he just to me to take a picture. So...I did. Standing up I could see the pain in his eyes. It was time to go home. He drove me back to my place led me to my room and told me to get some sleep. Of course my insomnia made sure I didn’t sleep...and when the effects of everything I was under faded I began to wonder about him. What I didn’t know was he drove himself to the hospital buckling in pain and was put into the ER and then ICU...I got a call from the hospital telling me...that Brian wasn’t going to make it through the night...,” he was silent...for a long time now.

“Anyways, Tyler was there because he snuck out and was trying to find something to do. So, we let him party with us. The next day the three of us all hung out and well...the days from then until he went back to Florida we hung out as well. Then when he moved we kept in touch. At sixteen I was introduced to pot, Brian yelled at me for it. Saying it wasn’t something to get into, but I did it anyways. Just like I smoked...I started smoking when I was fourteen though, which Brian also yelled at me about. Though, at that point my life was going great. When I turned seventeen Brian made me a promise...and gave me a promise ring. That ring hung on a chain for the longest time. Though, a few weeks later...hell broke out. I was sitting at a bonfire when Brian, who was in love with photography, asked me to watch his drink while he went to get photos of the sky’s horizon on the darkened ocean. I wasn’t really in the right state of mind and didn’t hear him. When he went to get pictures his drink went...unwatched. A kid who didn’t really like us...or any gays had spiked Brian’s drink with something, I still don't know what it was, when I wasn’t paying attention. When Brian came back and took a drink things spiraled even faster. He started to cough a lot and ended up walking away from the fire.

Sitting on the sand he watched the ocean, he looked tired and was shaking. I followed him and he mumbled to me ‘Take a picture of this moment right now, Skylar.’ When I asked why he just to me to take a picture. So...I did. Standing up I could see the pain in his eyes. It was time to go home. He drove me back to my place led me to my room and told me to get some sleep. Of course my insomnia made sure I didn’t sleep...and when the effects of everything I was under faded I began to wonder about him. What I didn’t know was he drove himself to the hospital buckling in pain and was put into the ER and then ICU...I got a call from the hospital telling me...that Brian wasn’t going to make it through the night..."

Milo was silent...for a long time now.

I couldn’t imagine what that felt like...the kid...Brian...had impacted his life so much. I swallowed the lump in my throat and I could hear a sniffle. He was holding back tears. “You don’t have to continue if you don’t wanna, Milo,” I reassured him.

“No...it’s better if I lay it all out at once,” he said softly.

“Okay...take your time,” I whispered. Though he didn’t bother taking his time, because after that a minute, maybe two, went by and he was back on track with the story.

“I drove as quick as I could to the hospital...when I got there and was directed into his room. He laid still as ever. Breathing heavily and looking sickly. I was motionless, fear crashed over me. Speechless I moved toward him my own hands shaking. He tried to comfort me and tell me I’d be alright. He knew he was dying. Tears fell down from my face and I begged him not to go. I said sorry over and over...it was my fault for losing another important part of my life. I didn’t sleep that night. The night everything ended....my best friend...my lover...my life died right before my eyes, and he was okay with it. He took his last breath in my arms when I clung to him. The room soon felt still and dark. Yet...peaceful in away. I laid next to his once lively body and cried. They tried to take him away, they couldn’t get him from my desperate grasp. I only cried more when they tried. I didn’t want to believe he was gone...I kept telling myself he was just sleeping. He’d wake up and kiss my head in a few hours. He’d hold me and tell me everything was okay. He’d remind me that it was okay...he’d be okay...but I was just  clinging onto my own hollow words. I knew....I knew he was gone. I knew he wasn’t coming back. I was all to familiar with death,” he’s words were deep and filled with a pain I couldn’t even imagine. 

It stung to hear the words and it made me look at my life with gratitude for never having to experience so many tragic things like he did. 

“Then what happened?” There was another long uncomfortable pause before he finally started again. He small twisted, seemingly mad laugh slipped from his lips.

“Well...I didn’t move on for a while...a long while. I made several attempts at suicide. Was in ICU for a while being watched like a hawk so I didn’t try and kill myself. I was moved to a new foster home because I was no longer manageable. I didn’t see life without Brian. I carried that ring around with me everywhere...and still do,” he whispered while throwing me his wallet, “Open it. The ring is tucked in with my license.”

Doing as I was told I saw the ring, it was kind of sick...in a sweet way that he still kept the ring after so many painful years. I tossed the wallet back to him, “It’s nice,” I said in a hollow tone. It was hard to find words for a moment so deep.

“Don’t bother saying nice...this rings a curse,” he said now pulling it out of his wallet and staring at the small reflection that lit it up in the night. I felt a little heart ache, all of it was like watching some tragic movie and he couldn’t escape the pain. 

He couldn’t turn it off. 

No matter how fast he ran from it, the outcome was inevitable. The pain was connected to him like a breaking bridge. You could walk on it and travel across it, but at any moment it could crumble. 

“How so?” I asked softly, slightly worried of the answer I could get.

“Jasey,” he whispered before bring the ring to his lips for several seconds the placing it night stand.

“Who?” I asked softly.

“Jasey was the second amazing person I met in California,” he replied, “She was my savior. She pulled me out of my depression. She brought me back to life and gave me meaning. Granted...the way we met was me getting a face full of her fist,” he chuckled softly.

I laughed lightly, “What? She beat you up?” 

“No...she dropped her wallet and I went to return it and she thought I stole it.” He justified himself. 

“Oh...well...that’s interesting,” I said waiting for him to continue.

“Yeah. Well...she felt bad and offered me a cup of coffee. We sat down and began talking. Then it became a usual thing. Finally, I asked her on a date. This went on for a long while. Things were great, but there were painful moments. I had caught her cheating three times. Once she was drunk and just kissing this guy, another time some guy was f*****g her on my living room floor, and the other time...she was with another girl in my room. Both of them were drunk. I’m not sure why I put up with it. I really loved her, spite all the s**t she put me through...I loved her. She healed me from the loss of Brian,” the faded tone in his voice expressed everything that was being portrayed. 

He did honestly love her, and she didn’t even know. 

"When we got past that stage things were smooth again,” he paused like he had many other times tonight.

“Well...what happened?” I said truly curious.

“I was going to propose to her with the ring Brian gave me, but we ended up getting into a huge fight that night. She left angry and I had sad nothing but heartless words to her. Little did I know I’d never see her smile again. She left in rage and called her friend to pick her up. They got into a car crash that night and her friend left the crash with a few broken bones and Jasey...passed away,” he explained.

I was silent. He lost so many important people in his life, yet you would have never guessed his history if you saw him or spoke to him. 

“Yeah...after that I was severely depressed, and I called up Ty. We talked for a while, he said he was going to school in Pittsburgh and said I should apply to the same college there. I figured I would. After all I didn’t want to be in a state that killed everyone I loved anymore. Luckily, I was accepted, and when I was nineteen I moved here and met up with Tyler and met Adrian too. Then I dated KiKi for a little found out it wasn’t exactly the right thing for me, Jasey must’ve been the only exception to females I’d ever date," again the room was quiet. 

"Anyways, I’m tired...I want to go to sleep. Night, Tony,” he breathed then stopped speaking all together.

I laid there in the chilling motionless dorm thinking about Milo’s story. He had opened up to me so much and made me fell like nothing but a b***h for whining about stupid s**t all my life. I did expect him to speak again though, but he never did. That night Milo and I had a connection. 

That night...Milo took down every wall.

Author's Note

Please ignore any grammar or spelling mistakes.