To Hide Her Despair

The flowers,

They danced,

In her hair,

And she whisked,

And she twirled,

Without a care,

To the music in her soul,

Beating louder than her heart,

To hide her despair,
Her despair.

Author's Note

When i wrote this, i had this idea of a story in which the main character would mumble or hum the tune of a song after each event in the story happened, and that each stanza of this poem would follow one of the events, and then at the end it would be revealed that the character was hiding their despair throughout the story....but i haven't written anything yet.

Reviews

[Shimmerbliss/CAF]

I like that it reads almost like a nursery rhyme, yet deals with the topic of despair. There is a strange discordance there that gives impact to the piece. In just a few words you get your point across extremely well. So much is said by that rhythm against the topic and the first 3 stanzas seemingly so happy...then, you reveal the truth hidden by her behavior.

I do have 2 very small suggestions, to consider if you wish - to me the "they" could be removed before "danced" without sacrificing anything

and the "a" could be omitted from line 6. Then it would just be "without care".
These may not work for you....just my take.

Really good and an example in packing a punch into a brief piece.

[allie_arrowz]

thanks so much! i'll take those critiques into consideration.

[allie_arrowz]

i do think those changes would make the poem more fluid, but to me i've read it so many times that it's kinda like a song to me and i can't change it haha. thanks though!

[Shimmerbliss/CAF]

I understand...just suggestions...you'll know what you want to do. Great poem either way.

[forevermore1218]

beautiful. Just beautiful darling :)

[realmwriter]

Well I am sure that it will be well woth waiting for because what you have here is very good and to leave more to read later is very tantelising and I must say actually genious. Leaves the reader, at least this one, wanting more. Well done.

[allie_arrowz]

too kind!
thanks :)

[FJ Davis]

Could be she's Ophelia-like; however, the-music-in-her-soul could also just be the pleasant and effective defense mechanism of a basically sound person.
I choose to believe the latter.
Lovely piece.

[allie_arrowz]

thanks!

[joshua deathdealer]

This is beautifully captured. I love it. xx

[Bats In The Belfry]

Lovely, I love that it speaks volumes with few words.

[Renée]

Beautiful poem & beautiful meaning...

[An owl on the moon]

Such a vivid brightness mingling and contrasting with those overwhelming dark shadows.... how we often dress up our outer shells to disguise the empty hollows within, even if only a fake smile... And I loved your notion to create a story you could weave this into. So powerful.

[allie_arrowz]

so sweet as always! thanks!

[Alex Fegley (Extro Zife..]

Y'know, I can really see this playing out. I even know the feeling. Trying to drown out your shame, you hatred for yourself, for the things you've done and regret, the generally the world around you. Acting like it's only you and a field of flower, and the music keeping you moving. This is powerful to me. It brings back memories. Very good!

[allie_arrowz]

Thanks! I'm glad you can connect to it. :)