The Unholy Bird; Fear

with me, my dear

              Fear burrows into the deepest gaps
of your mind
and nests there. 

The unholy bird,

it feeds on your obsession,
it thrives off your compulsion.

shoot the bird, shoot the bird!
             kill your fear.

Author's Note

this poem may not sound as personal as my other writing, but it is.

Reviews

[JohnnyMagrinho]

I like the concept and of course how it is so concise really adds strength to the message. If you were to make it long and rambling it would lose that powerful effect it has, and peter out so it's nice how short the piece it.

Obviously you know by now I don't like rhyming that much and so I personally like how you only have one rhyming couplet in the middle of the poem. It's a nice break and ties your intial point together well with your conclusion.

If I were to make some constructive criticism it would be that I don't personally think "it feeds..." and "it thrives..." particularly works. I think it would sound better, more natural if it were "Feeding on your..." and "Thriving off your..." But that really is just my personal preference. At the same time I can see why you've included that prefix as it does make the poem slightly less agreeable and more direct, rather than circling the point. It makes the reader be completely aware of what is going on and isn't comfortable to hear. So in that sense it's a nice inclusion.

I like the last part, obviously, as it's so far removed from the rest of the piece. It's a conclusion out of nowhere with an almost different voice that delivers the piece of advice. I could imagine some old, wise voice reading up until that point rather smoothly and calmly, and then only for his voice to cackle and distort as he screams shoot the bird.

I think this is definitely better than your other stuff as it's a deeper message and you've experimented well.

Although one thing I'd like to know is why you called the bird unholy? Not that I have a problem with it, I'm just intrigued as to why you think the bird is unholy.

[allie_arrowz]

thank you!!!!!!! after reading this, i considered changing those two lines but for some reason i like how "it" sounds. to connect with what you said about an old wise voice, i think of saying "it" like its foul.
thanks:)
because i consider the message of holiness to be purity and ultimately love, and i think the opposite of love is fear, so if something is unholy its like..not conveying love, i guess.
thanks so much!

[MOON]

Fear does that creeps in takes a hold of your mind , body . Lovely flow. Shoot the bird..

[realmwriter]

Or one could just cut the wings off of the bird and watch as fear flails around helpless. I really like this piece very well written and thought out. To the point and that serves it well.

[eglantine]

Hmmm, an interesting blend of Emily Dickonsen and Sylvia Plath feel here... I love that you used a bird to embody fear---usually a bird represents hope. But, would fear (a bird) burrow? Use it's talons!

[allie_arrowz]

i love emily dickinson :)

[ewest1220]

It's like a chunk of a climax in a really good movie! Shoot the bird! Kill your fear. I like it!

[Matty Bosox]

Allie, I must say, this is by far the shortest and most simple poem I have ever read...What is so amazing about it is the fact that in such few lines you absolutely blew me away....Life can be described in such a way as your bird...And I must say killing the fear is the hardest thing to do...but oh how amazing you make it sound!!! Like the engine roar of a 1969 Shelby Cobra GT500, so simple, yet so mind blowingly amazing!!!!

[allie_arrowz]

aww you're so sweet! thank you so much!

[Matty Bosox]

Not trying to be sweet just trying to be factual...The pleasure of reading and reviewing this was definitly all mine...I write bad reviews just as good as I write great reviews....So alot would say I am absolutely, in no way, sweet LoL