The Unholy Bird; Fear

with me, my dear

              Fear burrows into the deepest gaps
of your mind
and nests there. 

The unholy bird,

it feeds on your obsession,
it thrives off your compulsion.

shoot the bird, shoot the bird!
             kill your fear.

Author's Note

this poem may not sound as personal as my other writing, but it is.

Reviews

[JohnnyMagrinho]

I like the concept and of course how it is so concise really adds strength to the message. If you were to make it long and rambling it would lose that powerful effect it has, and peter out so it's nice how short the piece it.

Obviously you know by now I don't like rhyming that much and so I personally like how you only have one rhyming couplet in the middle of the poem. It's a nice break and ties your intial point together well with your conclusion.

If I were to make some constructive criticism it would be that I don't personally think "it feeds..." and "it thrives..." particularly works. I think it would sound better, more natural if it were "Feeding on your..." and "Thriving off your..." But that really is just my personal preference. At the same time I can see why you've included that prefix as it does make the poem slightly less agreeable and more direct, rather than circling the point. It makes the reader be completely aware of what is going on and isn't comfortable to hear. So in that sense it's a nice inclusion.

I like the last part, obviously, as it's so far removed from the rest of the piece. It's a conclusion out of nowhere with an almost different voice that delivers the piece of advice. I could imagine some old, wise voice reading up until that point rather smoothly and calmly, and then only for his voice to cackle and distort as he screams shoot the bird.

I think this is definitely better than your other stuff as it's a deeper message and you've experimented well.

Although one thing I'd like to know is why you called the bird unholy? Not that I have a problem with it, I'm just intrigued as to why you think the bird is unholy.

[allie_arrowz]

thank you!!!!!!! after reading this, i considered changing those two lines but for some reason i like how "it" sounds. to connect with what you said about an old wise voice, i think of saying "it" like its foul.
thanks:)
because i consider the message of holiness to be purity and ultimately love, and i think the opposite of love is fear, so if something is unholy its like..not conveying love, i guess.
thanks so much!

[Victorious]

Dear allie_arrowz,

Eh, I like long poems and short poems. Every creation has its own perfect length. The diction is usually the breadwinner, though, and of course the central idea. Hmmmm, I thought the two anaphoric lines were nicely put actually. Fear creeps in like and you turn it into an animal that is an ugly characteristic of the human behavior. Nice read! It's like every line mixes together with the describing of that bird.

Thanks for sharing!

Sincerely Livana Lowell (LL)

God bless

[Freedom's Child]

I would have said you are letting more emotion out in this piece. It feels like an angry call you action to be better. I like it "Kill your fear" great for an ending line.

[forevermore1218]

Nice job mate :) I liked how you phrased each stanza in a particular format.

[Allen Smuckler]

One word written, makes it personal allie...sort of reminds me of "Dark Corners", if you know what I mean...I love the bird metaphor and agree totally with killing your fear(s)...often, however, easier said than done...
Your choice of words succinctly expressed a compassion and depth of what fear can create.
well done allie...don't change a thing...it works as is

[allie_arrowz]

how does it remind you of dark corners?

[Mark Best]

I like it. Its very straight forward and direct.

[An owl on the moon]

Your metaphor words a dark magic on the mind... lets one see fear as alive... as a beast that devours all hope... all love... drives one into a self-obsessed madness... May we all find a way to kill it, and rise above it into the brilliant light of day. Always so powerful, Allie.

[The Analog Kid]

It's like why rent space in your head to someone that means you ill will or harm. Nice descriptions of said bird:)

[Layla J Omorose]

interesting poem. personifying fear as a bird of prey as a hunter was a good idea. i like this poem but i also agree that you could have used better words than "feeds" and "thrives". i get what you are saying with those lines i just think that different words would make the poem stand out more. but either way this was a good poem

[allie_arrowz]

thanks for critiquing

[JohnnyMagrinho]

Well what words would you suggest for her to use? It's not good to simply say "This was bad, try again" if you're not going to offer any sort of advice/help on the matter.

[Layla J Omorose]

i didn't say it was bad i just suggested toying with the wording. i didn't sugguests words because i didn't want to to put it simply. i would like to see what the poet cab come up with on their own. simple as that, you dont have to agree with me thats fine but i like i said i like to see wgat the write/poet can come up with on their own.

[JohnnyMagrinho]

All I'm saying is I'm an advocate for constructive criticism, and if you've seen any of my reviews you'll be aware of that. I just don't think it's good enough to tell a poet to change what they have written with no real constructive, useful input. You have to back up why you think you are right tangible reason and arguments rather than just saying "Change it cos' I say so." That's all.

[Coyote Poetry]

Fear is hard to kill. I like the desire and the story in this poem. To shoot the bird of fear is necessary for us to be free of fear and gain confident. Thank you for the excellent poetry.
Coyote