Vicky.

A piece of Fan-Fiction, we were asked to re-write a nursery rhyme or fairy tale. I thought the about the most likely way we would hear about a story in modern times....

Creative Challenge: Re-write a fairy tale or nursery rhyme in the form of a story, play or poem.

“Vicky.”

A Short Sketch

Written by

Allan Shipham

by Allan Shipham © August 2014

SCENE:

THIS SHORT SCENE TAKES PLACE AT A SUNNY SUMMER FETE.

[Two beat-bobbies are patrolling the event, and encounter an overweight female teenager in a shell suit with big gangly earrings.]

Fade In:

Narrator Tom: (V.O)

Now, if you live in Britain, and want to know what is going on in your village, you just need to ask the right person. Today we find members of the local constabulary asking popular teenager Vicky Pollard about her friends.

P.C. Crockett:

Excuse me Vicky, would you mind helping us with our enquiries?

Vicky:

(Vicky is throwing bricks at rubber ducks on shelves on one of the side stalls. Startled, Vicky's attention is drawn to the approaching officers.)

I didn't do nuthin !

P.C. Tubbs:

We didn't accuse you of doing anything Vicky, P.C. Crockett asked if you'd help us out.

Vicky:

Well that's okay then, because if you wanted to ask me about Alexis Burton, Camilla Westward and Melanie Herman sniffing highlighter pens behind Argos wheelie bins, I don't no nothing. In fact, Camilla Westward was giving Craig Chapman a hand job down by the canal anyway, so she couldn't have been there...

P.C. Crockett:

(Interrupting) Vicky! We are not interested in that.

P.C.Tubbs:

Beside, we know you were there! We saw it on the C C T V tapes for last week.

Vicky:

(Turning to P.C.Tubbs) Yeah but. No but. Yeah but. No but, Yeah nut. No but. Yeah but. No but. Yeah but...

P.C. Crockett

Vicky, all we want to know, is do you know what happened on Honey Knob Hill?

Vicky:

Well, that b***h Alexis stole my coat when I did a s**t in the public toilets in Fanny Hands Lane. So, It couldn't have been me behind Argos anyway. Jessica Cook spread it around that I had my fanny out in Grange Park for William Parker, but I was in the toilet.

(Pause)

I wouldn't let him finger me anyway, Michelle Dawson let him do her once, but after she had to get some cream from the doctors.

(Vicky looks innocently between Police officers waiting for a response)

(Pause)

Shut Up ! Everyone knows what happened on Honey Knob Hill.

(Vicky pushes P.C.Tubbs away from her playfully, giggling)

P.C. Tubbs:

Vicky, this is a very serious issue, We' d appreciate if you treat it so. John had several injuries and we may be looking at actual bodily assault.

P.C. Crockett:

Maybe, even attempted murder.

(Vicky stops giggling and looks both ways)

Vicky:

(Guarded) I'm only saying what I erd'. I don't wanna be arrested or anyfing. Not after I was cautioned when Craig Longbottom shoved his knob through Candice Watson's letterbox and I hit it with a stick.

P.C.Crockett

So, What have you... as you say... erd?

VICKY:

Well, Jilly Gordon wanted a brown baby so she can get a council flat down near the launderette at Baggy Bottom. She can't go near West Side Ghetto' since she got her ASBO, so she asked John Lemon if he would go up Honey Knob Hill to get some water from the disused well. She really wanted to show him her spider, and wanted him to make a baby.

P.C.Tubbs:

(Writing on a note pad white repeating Vicky) Her spider ?

Vicky:

Yes, dirty b***h.

(Again, Vicky looks innocently between both policemen. The policemen are stunned into silence)

Vicky:

When they got to the top of the hill, she fell down on the floor and she opened her legs like a ballerina and then her fanny fell out. He never seen a fanny before and he went backward in fright, and tripped over the bucket.

P.C.Crockett

So you're saying it was all an accident?

Vicky:

No, she can't have the accident now, she will have to wait till next month. John or Jack, what we all call him, he fell down the hill and smashed his face. Poor Mrs Rattlebag had to come out, and put brown paper bandages all over him till the doctor come. Lucky we had some chips, cos she let me use her vinegar.

P.C.Crocket:

So, just checking (Reading from a note pad), you're saying:

John, Sorry Jack, and Jill went up the hill

To fetch a pail of water.

Vicky:

No, she wanted to show him her spider...

P.C. Crockett:

Then Jack fell down, and broke his crown.

Vicky:

Oh, And Jill, she came tumbling after. Silly cow !

I think she'd necked a bottle of VODKA.

P.C.Tubbs:

Thank you Miss Pollard, you've been very helpful.

Author's Note

I posted this as 'everyone', but it does hint at adult themes, there is no watershed or age limit to similar or original publications of this nature, sorry if I have offended anyone.
I have used slang and character references. I hope you enjoy this for its comic intention.