Infinite

I sit here from time to time, when im behind four closed walls and I think. And recently, especially due to a lot of chaos in my life my thoughts have turned to self happiness. Which is a term I've never truly understood until recently. When im alone and I sense the piercings gazes of my demons and I feel their nasty bitter breath down my neck I always try to run. And running never works. Eventually they catch up to me, swarming me into their hollow as they dine on a buffet of anxieties and depression that clearly make up my being. And out of all the fears I have, which are many, the fear I thought would never happen again did. I got my heart broken. But the strangest thing about this heart break was that it was unlike any other. Usually when you're heart is broken you go on a rampage and you sob and you're this entire mess and you literally feel your heart shatter. But this time it felt as if my heart accepted this break. Im unclear the reason why whether it knew it was a matter of time or that im growing. But its helped me realize that even the most permanent situations are temporary. Its allowed me to begin accepting the way things are and enjoy what I can while I still have it. And to also do things for me because at the end of the night you are all you have. No one else understands you. They can understand situations and emotions you feel. But no one understands the battle your heart and brain have every day. And that got me to start thinking that maybe im just suppose to be this way. Im suppose to be dark minded and I'm suppose to let my demons dine on me and rip away my old skin. Because skin regenerates. It might be a slow healing procress and there might be scars but your skin is constantly healing itself. So why not do that for you. For your heart and soul and mind and your being in general. And its played out in my mind that all these little quirks I have all these little faults are just horrible sides to me that I don't want anyone to see. And after realizing So much I stopped seeing my faults that way. I am not too much. I am not over-anything. I am a very passionate person in a dim world. And its a struggle and I know being this way will break me every chance the world has to do so. But that's okay. Because im the kind of person that when I want you in my life you're there. I analyzing everything you do. The way you shut people out when you're upset. Or the way your mind goes straight to the worse case scenarios. Or the fact that even though you're so open you're still the shiest person I've ever met. I understand how you talk and breathe and know when your body's tense to give you a hug even if you said you didn't want one. And I am passionate about so much! I am a wallflower and a warrior. And there's so much more to me than some overdramatic 20 year old who's trying to find where she belongs in life. Because I already belong. I am here. And I am infinite.