Love hurts!

Short story - ATC

I am watching you speaking to the female with blond hair that falls in ringlets like sausages in a butchers shop, the skin strung together on strings, I would very much like to walk over to you and offer my greetings, ask for your name.

However-

I do not wish to be rude or offend thee for it seems you are currently engaged in a prior meeting. I shall wait here watching patiently until a time of peace and welcome to introduce myself and then when the introduction is fully exchanged you shall engage in the same humorous way as I see you now with the sausage girl.

“Good day” I shall say, no wait. “Hello!” I’ll exclaim! “Madame may I inquire your name?”

I rub my hands eagerly as I excite, they start to shake uncontrollably so I grip my fingers tight the nails sharp and long cutting deep into my wrists.

I look down in horror for you can not see me like this, 

I think for a while until an idea makes me smile...

Until I realize that I am sat here grinning like a ravenous crocodile.

I reach in my pocket and pull out a locket and pair of black velvet gloves

The sausage girl is leaving, unless my eyes are deceiving this is my time for you my love.

Our time.

I walk over with pride the Italian leather echoing  my stride,

You look more beautiful than ever and my trapped tongue twists and ties.

I stammer a stumble a shattered literature grumble what a fool who cannot even mutter a mumble!

I take the silver locket and rope it round her neck as a token of my affection she wriggles and squirms and in a moment of regret, I realize her petrifaction.

Her eyes grow wide she looks terrified, I loosen my hands from around her neck

Like a stone she grows cold with pure eyes not of old she falls weak into my arms where she becomes mine forever to hold.

For a moment I caress her, my sweet angel I must confess that I never meant to hurt you. 

Reviews

[redzone]

a monster indeed... men and their "love" that not only hurts, but is often deadly... I liked the way this unfolded, from what seemed like a simple desire to meet someone to his hands chocking her until "she was all his".... there were some places where commas might have add to the tension and build up.. if only he were just a fool who could not mutter a mumble... Thanks A.T.C. for the delightful read... ~~redzone

[Tinotenda Nyevedzanai]

Thank you redzone :)

I'm really poor at using commas I am trying to work on my punctuation in general, do you have any suggestions where they might be appropriate in this piece please?

[MAD ENGLISHMAN]

I'd like to know how you can write such a well penned, well thought through and inspired piece when I've just read about you being bored. !!!
This is a very good piece of writing.

[Mel Lisa]

"I stammer a stumble a shattered literature grumble what a fool who cannot even mutter a mumble!" he seems shy, clumsy almost felt sorry for him in spite of myself. tragedy of a monstrous love. To trust someone and to find they are not at all what they seem! he presents a locket a sentimental gift before the betrayal... he claims her as if she is now his property. perhaps he really didn't mean to hurt her, sometimes we hurt people, without realizing what we are doing...until its too late. love this!

[Tinotenda Nyevedzanai]

Thank you :)

[ANM]

Nice twist in the tail Ally Cat! Do not get to hung up on the punctuation most readers can see where the natural breaks are. For me the words are far more important, why stifle writing flow by fretting over a comma or two? That's what editors are for,right?

[Tinotenda Nyevedzanai]

Haha I see what you did there, however I would like to be grammatically correct!

[ANM]

I know and i am not saying you should not be, just don't let it suffocate your creative juice flow!