in/out ???

a 100 word story contest

He was gazing at the desperate wall, trying to visualize those behind and how they do miscellaneous things. He could unfortunately not achieved any of those. He was illegally jailed for uncommitted crime. Now, his only hope is to imagine that he is out ...locked out.

Time's wheel start spinning , four years later his dreams comes true. Running, walking, thinking and discovering the whole truth. "Shouting: 'I am still in Jail!; wondering: 'people, cities and countries put a lot of boundaries'". It's pointless, he is still locked in a huge jail call Earth.   

Author's Note

i'm still in the beginning, so your review is MATTER.

Reviews

[barleygirl]

Not sure if you ever write poetry, but this might be a good core idea for a poem. You start out by describing the idea of being jailed in a prison (smaller perspective), then equating this to the larger concept of being stuck here on this planet earth. It sounds more like a short statement of comparison, rather than a longer story, that's why I thought it might make a good poem if you ever do poetry.

Here are some ideas to help you flesh out your concept . . . details help us SEE & FEEL & HEAR & SMELL what this situation is like. Don't forget to include all the senses as you describe a situation. If you are comparing the feeling of being in prison, with the idea of being imprisoned on this earth, then pick some details that are similar between the two. For example, not being able to see outside the prison walls could be compared to not being able to see the mountains in the distance due to polluted atmosphere on earth. Of course, you will have your own specific details, but this is just an example to show you what I mean. Instead of saying "cities and countries put a lot of boundaries" . . . use specific examples so we know exactly what is this newly-freed guy hating about this planet. Draw us word pictures of how he finds the world to be as bad as being in jail.

Good luck on your writing.

[ali]

such a constructive review,,,its my bad that i didn't mention that this story is for contest in which you have to write -+100 words story so i was restricted,,,,,unfortunately, i'm not a poet...thanks again for this review

[barleygirl]

I don't make suggestions, thinking a writer is going to change the actual posted piece . . . it's just some general ideas to think about for future writings, since you said you are a beginner (((HUGS)))

[Kathrin S]

Nice, I'm glad you were inspired to write this and are also thinking of entering it into the contest! It's a fun thing to do :)

Here are just a few grammatical tips:

"He could unfortunately not achieved" -> 'achieve'
"Time's wheel start(s) spinning"
"his dreams come true" -> "his dreams come true" or "his dream comes true"

[Levi Levin]

Looks like a good start to an inspiring story. I encourage you to continue on.

[ali]

thanks Mr. Levi this really encouraging