Sleeping With the Enemy

           You’re staring at me.  Intensely.  I bow my head, my eyes reluctant to meet yours.  What can I possibly tell you that hasn’t already been said?  You know all of me.  With my chin to my chest, I can feel your eyes on me.  Staring.  Questioning. 

            Your hand moves to my cheek.  Stroking it gently, you whisper “it’s okay.”

            But it isn’t.  Not this time.  You’ll change your mind in the morning.  Of this I am sure.  You tell me it’s okay.  You whisper that you want me, that you need me. 

            I lift my eyes.  Swimming with tears, they meet yours.  “I love you.” I say.  Loudly, yet softly.  Tenderly.  I’m not lying.  I do love you.  It’s a love that I can’t manage anymore.   I’ve run too many times now.  There is nothing left for me to give you.  You’ve had me in my entirety from the first time our lips touched.  But now, I think I want it all back.  I want to disappear.  I don’t want you to know me anymore.  The thought alone scares me, but so does your love. 

            There is no question I am in over my head.  You’ve perfected the art of torture.  I’ve perfected my need for punishment. 

            “So stay.  We can make this work.”

            A tear slides from my eye.  Down my cheek, slipping silently between my lips.  I know all too well the taste of my own tears.  Sweet with a salty quality, they are both necessary and unwanted.  Not unlike the person that causes them.  I lick my lips.

            “See?  You’re thinking about it. I know you.  When you think, you lick your lips.  You press your pointer finger to your nose.  We’re perfect, you and I.  Imperfectly perfect.  We fit.”

            You used to tell me this every day.  When we were physically apart and your voice was the only thing that could calm me.  I lived for the morning phone calls.  The afternoon check-ins.  The bedtime whispers.  They focused my being and soothed the heartache of being separated.  Nobody had ever cared so much about my life, about what I was doing.  Because nobody had ever loved me in the way that you did.  The way that you do.  But, was that a bad thing?  I used to think so, now I’m no longer positive.

            I blink.  Another tear drops from my eye.  As your hand reaches for me once again, I flinch.  You are surprised.  Has it come to this?  It has.

            “Baby, I know.  I know you’re hurt.  But I love you.  You understand me.”

            You’re being as sincere as you know how.  I nod, silently agreeing.  I know you.  I know the man you were, and the man you have become.  I know what you are capable of when you don’t. 

            “Baby, say something.  Please.  Let’s go to bed.  We’ll work it out.  We always do.”

            Tangled in the sheets, the lights off, the hurt is impossible for you to see.  The pain behind my eyes is hidden as they shut.  The bruise is invisible against the black of the room.  I won’t go to the bed this time.  I will not sleep beside you.  Ever again.  My heart breaks audibly as I think this.  You watch it happen.  You know that I’m leaving.  You know that I’m already gone.  I study your face.  Your once pathetic eyes are shifting.  I watch the anger take you.  I watch as your lips crush together, your brow furrowed as you think.  Preparing the next thing you plan on teaching me.  My eyes lower as your fists clench.  And relax.  Clench again until your knuckles are white. 

            “I know this isn’t what you want.  Just…please…baby, come to bed.  We can just forget this.  It’ll be fine.”

            You don’t lie, at least, not where you’re concerned.  You won’t remember.  You will be fine. 

            I will carry this bruise for two weeks.  There will be no visible sign ever again, but I will carry the scar for life.  You will live your life, moving on to your next victim.  I will retreat into myself.  I will spend years wondering what I did to myself, and why.  You will think of me again.  You’ll call in the middle of the night.  Threatening me.  Taunting me.  You will leave sadistic messages of your new lover screaming in ecstasy as I sit in bed awake, too scared to sleep. 

            Yes, you will be fine.  As fine as you’ll ever be. 

            “Baby, please.  Don’t go.  It’s late.  You don’t have anywhere to go.  We fit, baby.  Just please.  Come to bed.  I just want to hold you.”

I watch your clenched fists and listen to your words.  I know you are angry, I can hear the grating of your words against your teeth.  Your fists are formed now. 

“Come to bed.”  You extend your hand, releasing the tension.  Your other hand is still balled.  I look into your eyes.  The anger is clouded by frustration.  At what?  I’m not sure.  I don’t think you know.  I do know that it will be directed at me.

I take your hand.  I will leave.  I know I will go.  But not tonight.  You’re right.  It’s late, and I don’t have anywhere to go. 

As you press into me I cry out.  You smile, imagining how happy I am at this moment.  I force my eyes closed.  Your weight on me, a tangible reminder of all that I am stuck under.  You move quickly.  Efficiently.  I no longer watch, no longer feel.  I only know you are finished when you lean down to kiss my forehead.

“I love you.” You whisper as you move to your side of the bed.

“I love you too.”  I say out loud.  Am I telling you?  Or am I trying to tell myself?  I’m not sure.  I’ll figure it out tomorrow.  I’ll leave tomorrow. 

But tonight, I will watch you sleep.  I will watch your chest rise and fall with your breathing.  Listen to you snore.  Tonight, I will sleep with the enemy. 

Reviews

[AlieahRose]

THE TITILE ITSELF...
IS SO RIVITING...
THEN I STARTED...
TO READ THIS...
AND HAD TO...
STOP IN THE...
MIDDLE OF IT...
BECAUSE MY HEART...
IS BREAKING FOR...
THIS POOR GIRL...
THIS IS AN...
AMAZING PIECE THANK...
YOU FOR SHARING...

[Stef Outsiders]

wow... I really felt this, the pain and the hurt. incredible piece!!

[Apathy To Empathy]

I felt everything that could be felt in this peice of writing

[Dushyant Thadani]

I love the way you've described this situation. This is a moment where a person is trapped, and you've so beautifully conveyed that. Getting trapped in love is the worst trap ever. Great job writing this

[Chris Smith Welshpoetcs]

We can be trapped, making decisions in our mind but never finding the right moment to set ourselves free. A moving story my friend.

[?]

Now that was amazing, yes a tear or two fall from eyes as well. You bring the reader into all of your emotions. Very well expressed.

[Sunni Davis]

Wow...amazing story. My heart is aching and I can't stop crying. You did a wonderful job of making me feel every emotion. I was right there in the room, watching them, listening to them. Excellent story!