Chapter 12: The Hoagen Family

Lily poked at her cereal, her appetite gone.

“Honey-you have to eat something. Please.” The little girl pushed the bowl away from her.

“I’m not hungry.” Her mother sighed and took it off to the sink while her daughter aimlessly ran her finger across the table. She could hear her parents talking across the room, even though they were trying their best to keep their voices down.

“Ronald, I’m worried about her. She hasn’t been the same since…”

“We need to give her time. It was a traumatic experience. The school has offered counselors. We just need to be there for her as best as we can.”

“I don’t know what we would have done if we had actually lost her…”

“I know Stacy. I know.”

Lily glanced up to see her father holding her mother as she sniffled. She had a flash of a kindergarten classroom, and then a dark shadow with glowing white eyes and a blank stare. She shivered and silently left the table to go into her room. On the way, she passed her older sister in her own room, the glow of her computer illuminating her face. Lily walked into her room where her little teddy bear sat a little lopsidedly on her bed. She plopped herself down on her bed and picked it up.

“What is it Alby?” she asked. The teddy bear stared back at her blankly. She looked up and saw a shadow, which made her gasp, but it was nothing. She sat there tense for a moment, and then held the teddy bear close to her, pulling her knees up to her chest. Tears filled her eyes and she leaned against the wall. She couldn’t remember what exactly happened, but she had a feeling of emptiness inside. Like there was a hole. Something missing. She closed her eyes.

“Lily!!!” a familiar but unfamiliar voice called.

She threw her teddy bear as hard as she could across the room and then buried her face in her hands, feeling confused and alone.

The wind gently blew through the bushes and her tangled blond hair as she swung slowly on the swing on this dreary cloudy day. Her mother sat on the bench across the way, hoping she would at least try to interact with the other children. Her day had been full of adults asking her questions of what she remembered and of things she didn’t understand.

At one point she asked what the dark shadows she kept seeing in dreams and in the corner of her eye, were, but no one had an answer. They simply told her it wasn’t real and that the danger was gone... But no matter how many times people would say that it was ok, something just felt wrong. No one would listen. She was only five years old after all. No one listened to five year olds.

She kicked the sand and held onto the chains of the swing so tightly that her little knuckles turned white.

“Something’s missing isn’t it?”

Lily jumped slightly and turned around to see a girl with white braided pigtails and a white glowing dress swinging on the swing next to her.

“Who are you?”

“I’m a builder.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“There’s more than just seven realms Lily.”

By this time, the little girl was very confused, taking her out of her sadness for a moment.

“What are you talking about?”

“You know what I’m talking about. You’ve been catching glimpses of the dark entities-haven’t you?”

Lily simply stared at her.

“Time has been tampered with Lily. You’re not supposed to be here. If you try hard enough you can remember your time in the land of the Inbetween. Do you remember Death?”

“What?”

“Edgar? Helen? Morpheus?”

Lily slowly shook her head, wondering where she was going with this.

“What about Arno?”

“Lily!!” The little girl jumped and looked around, but saw no one.

“Arno?”

For a moment, she thought she heard laughter and someone making airplane noises.

“It’s there Lily. You just need to focus.”

Lily closed her eyes, feeling that she was close to filling part of the hole that was there. She could feel herself being lifted and happy… and something about an enchanted princess…

“Am… I like the enchanted princess?” she asked.

“You’re getting it!”

“But I don’t remember…” Lily thought about it really hard. She suddenly could see a star and a fish, and the sound of a car crash filled the air. She could hear a song playing, and see trees growing, and golden threads strung out in all directions. A dark shadow showed itself and screeched, and an old man in a dark robe reached out to her.

She gave an exhausted sigh and started to cry.

“I don’t understand…” she whined, sucking back in the snot that had started to run down out of her nose.

“Arno’s your Guardian. Please try to remember-I’m sure he’s counting on you.”

Guardian?

And then it all came back.

She gasped.

“Death! Arno! What happened to them? How-what?”

The Builder girl looked pleased with herself that she had gotten her to remember so quickly, but her face turned grave.

“Lily. In order to help, you need to die.”

“...what?”

“You know what was supposed to happen. You need to let it go the way it needs to. In order to do this, you must think about it. Let it play out in your mind. Concentrate. If you let go of what you want and accept what is needed, things will start to go back to how they were. Time has been altered, but it wasn’t done very well, so you can still change it back. That’s what you get when a reaper tries to do a Time Keeper’s job I guess...”

Lily was suddenly left with a very big dilemma. “But-my Mommy and Daddy… And Andrea!” she exclaimed. “I can’t die! I can’t leave them. Mommy said that-”

“It has to happen. They will be sad, but you’ll see them again.” Lily gave a good long stare at the girl swinging next to her.

“What did you mean by builder? I don’t remember any builders in the Inbetween.”

“Where do you think the Inbetween came from? Or where all the people came from?”

Lily wasn’t sure what she was saying.

“We built everything. You helped build everything. You just don’t remember that either. We are the ones who haven’t lived yet. Who haven’t been born yet.”

“I helped build the Inbetween?”

“Yes.”

The five year old thought about this, biting her lip.

“But why do I have to die? Why did that boy have to come to my school? Why did it have to be me?”

“Sometimes we don’t have all the answers Lily, and we can’t control what people do. But I know for a fact that part of the reason is because the Inbetween needs you. If you only-.”

Lily jumped off the swing and clenched her fists. “Well I’m not going to die!” she yelled at her. “I don’t want to!”

Then she ran off to her mother leaving the girl swinging by herself. When she turned around, the girl was gone.

“And Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandmother were saved and lived happily ever after!” Lily’s mother said cheerfully, holding out the book. Unlike all the times where she had clapped and laughed at the story of Little Red, Lily sat there feeling melancholy.

“Come on Lily...You love this story…” her mother said sorrowfully. Her daughter didn’t say anything. She simply snuggled up to her and breathed in the smell of freshly baked bread and cinnamon that she always associated with her mother. She closed her eyes as her mother stroked her hair lovingly.

“Mommy, can you tell me the story of the enchanted princess?”

“The...enchanted princess? I don’t think I know that one…”

“It’s the one with the two brothers. And the princess… There’s ants, and ducks, and bees.” She started to cry.

“Oh Lily… Don’t cry…”

“Mommy, I don’t want to die!”

“Honey! You’re not going to die! You’re safe now-there’s nothing to fear!”

“It’s not fair! Why do I have to go and other people stay? I don’t understand!”

“I don’t know exactly what you’re talking about, but sometimes things just happen. There’s no reason for them. We may never have all the answers, but we can enjoy the happy moments while we can.”

“But…”

Lily’s lip quivered as she looked up at her mother. She was never going to understand…

“I love you Mommy…” she said finally, running a finger through her hair and then hugging her tightly.

“I love you too honey. Mommy will always be here for you. No matter what.”

Lily couldn’t help but feel sad.

At that moment, her bigger sister stepped into the room with her father, holding out a plate of cookies.

“Look Lily! We made you snickerdoodles-your favorite!” she said, managing a smile, tucking a pink strand of hair behind her ear.

“Yes! And I thought maybe we could play Go Fish. You always love playing that game.” her father added. Lily wriggled out of her mother’s lap and ran over to them, hugging them as tightly as she could, scared that when she let go that they would spontaneously disappear.

“I love you Andrea. I love you Daddy.”

“We love you too sweetie. We just want you to be happy.”

Lily looked down at the ground, her shoulders drooping. Her father kneeled down on one knee and held her close.

“We know things have been scary lately, but it will get better.”

He rubbed his nose on hers playfully, causing her to giggle a bit.

“Promise.”

“Andrea. I’m scared…”

“I know Lily. But it’s alright now. You’re being very brave.”

The little girl looked around the fourteen year old’s room, where posters of bands and some kind of Japanese cartoon littered the walls.

“What does brave mean?”

“It means going forward even though you’re scared. Doing something even though it’s terrifying.”

Lily didn’t have anything to say to this as she eyed a suspicious looking shadow warily.

Andrea gave a nervous little chuckle. “You know, the most terrifying thing for me was almost losing my little sister.”

Lily held onto her knees. “But what if I did die?”

“But you’re here. Right here and right now.” she said, putting an arm around her. Lily leaned against her bigger sister, who always seemed to make her feel better when she was feeling sad. She could remember when Daren Wilson had called her ugly and pulled her pigtails. She had come home crying and Andrea had put on music and they had danced and laughed until she felt happy.

But this time she only felt sadness, for she suddenly remembered another time she had danced and felt happy.

Because as much as she wanted to stay, she knew she had to go…

But it couldn’t hurt to stay a little longer could it?

“Andrea? Can I sleep in here tonight?” she asked.

“Of course.” Her sister said with a smile. Lily nodded and ran off to her room to get her teddy bear. Sitting on her bed was the builder girl again.

“What do you want?” Lily scowled as she stood in the doorway, her hands on her hips.

“Lily, I know what you’re thinking. We don’t have all the time in the world. If you had only visited the Time Keepers realm, you would understand more about paradoxes and time holes and-.”

“I don’t care!” the little five year old growled, snatching up her teddy bear and running back to her sister’s room.

That night, Lily had the most horrible dreams. She was standing in a war zone in Germany, watching as her kindergarten friends were being chased by dark entities. When she awoke, she had suddenly remembered something.

Edgar! She didn’t have to be alone in all of this!

She eagerly awaited to see him at school, because she knew he had the same playground time as she did, but when the time came, she did not see him.

“Ms. Gardner? Where’s Edgar?” she asked as the other kids clambered over the monkey bars.

“Edgar? You mean the little boy your age with black hair?”

“Yeah.”

Her teacher sighed and knelt down to be on her level.

“I’m sorry Lily. He was one of the children who lost their lives.”

“But-I’m still here! Why isn’t he?” she whined. “Where’s Miss Rose? She’ll understand what I’m trying to say.”

“Miss Rose is gone Lily.” Ms. Gardner told her, her voice cracking. “She also…”

But her teacher could no longer continue. Lily no longer wanted to hear her anyway. It wasn’t fair!! Why were they still in the Inbetween? Why didn’t they come back too? She soon found herself wondering what was happening there-and if they missed her at all. Who was Edgar playing with right now? What was he doing? Was he with Fish and Star with their magical balls and Mr. Twinkleshine?

Out of the corner of her eye, she caught a glimpse of a girl in white standing next to a large oak tree. Lily narrowed her eyes and obstinately stuck her tongue out at the builder and then stalked off to go slide down the slide.

After school, Lily saw even more doctors and people who couldn’t understand anything she was trying to say. She tried telling them about the Inbetween, but of course they wouldn’t have it. Feeling upset and angry, she slammed the car door shut and folded her arms in a pout. No one ever listened to five year olds…

“Lily? Do you want ice cream?” her mother asked.

“No. I want to go home, she mumbled.

“Ok.”

Lily silently gazed out the window, a glazed look coming over her face.

That’s when she saw the plane.

The horror of it hit her as she remembered her Guardian Arno and when she had pretended to be an airplane with her. Where was he now? Had Helen really thrown him into the Insanities? Her stomach started to churn and turn itself into knots as she thought about it.

It was then that she realized how much she missed him… He needed her. She needed him. Lily’s lip trembled and she wiped the tears from her face.

  That night as she sat down at the table for dinner, she glanced up at her family. It made her heart hurt to think of them being sad and crying, but she knew now what she had to do…

A few hours later, she had left her teddy bear beside her sister’s sleeping form, and soon was standing in the doorway of her parent’s bedroom, the light from the hallway lighting up the image of her sleeping parents. She stood there listening to them breathe for a moment, grateful that her family was alive and well. She crept up to her parent’s bed and watched as their chests rose and fell with each soft breath. Her mother’s hair spread out across the pillow like the tentacles of an octopus.

A tear rolled down her cheek as she stood by her mother’s bedside. She looked down at the little white flower that she had picked earlier and then softly laid it on the dresser.

“I love you…”

She closed her eyes.

It had to happen. She had to die.

Lily could feel the world around her changing in a rush of wind. Things were starting to right themselves. She held her breath and remembered what her sister told her. She could be brave. She could make the decision to put everything on track.

She opened her eyes to see that she was back in her kindergarten classroom, the kids around her looking around the dark room in fear. Miss Rose was there, and Mrs. Gardner.

She could be brave.

She jumped as she heard gunfire from somewhere in the elementary school. Distant screams followed.

She could be brave.

“Everyone close your eyes and think of a happy place.” Ms. Gardner whispered as some of the kids started to cry. “No matter what happens, do not leave your happy place.”

Lily closed her eyes and covered her ears. Happy place… She imagined her family. Andrea, Mommy, and Daddy, with a plate of snickerdoodles. She thought of Little Red Riding Hood and Go Fish and the smell of freshly baked bread and cinnamon. She thought about seeing them again.

She jumped when the classroom door burst open and a teenage boy stalked in. She closed her eyes tight again and thought of Arno, and of dancing, and pretending to be an airplane. She thought of Fish and Star and Mr. Twinkleshine. Of Pirate ships and laughing shirts. Of smiles and laughter and fields of flowers.

Of lilies…

The room erupted in gunfire.

Be brave little Lily Hoagen. Be brave.

Once again, everything went dark...