A Named Snake

 

            The pages dropped into the water. Ink bled until each page was unreadable, but the words were engraved into my mind. I will never forget them, or him. It’s crazy how much two months can change a person " especially when no one can tell from the outside. Only the few let inside know how much it affects me.

            Happiness seemed to last forever, when I had forever stretched out before me. That door was closed. Now, months crawl by at a slow pace while I watch my patience run out. February can’t come soon enough.

            It’s strange when you become so close to someone you’ll tell them anything and everything and you have full trust that they’ll love you despite what you say. It’s a wonderful strange; one that should last a lifetime. But sometimes, life has other plans.

            You could say life is teaching me patience, or helping me strengthen my love. The more you love someone, the harder it is to patiently live on without them, and then the stronger your love becomes when you’re together again. Or maybe life is just cruel, and hates us. Maybe I should always be upset, because as soon as I found him, it seems he’s taken away from me.

            What possesses a parent to make their child hate the parent so much they count down the days until they’re 18, when they can say “f**k you mom” and leave? What possesses a parent to make their child hate the parent so much they’ve planned exactly what they’re going to do and where they will stay when they’re free? What possesses a parent to make their child hate them so much they plan to never come back again? Does the parent even notice the hated the child has for the parent? Does the parent even care?

            As I sat by the water’s edge, I thought of all of this. Tear after tear slid down my cheeks, each one filled with venomous love, dragging makeup down my face. Gentle raindrops began to splatter on the water with rippled wakes. More left spots on the rocks, and my satin gown. The rain fell harder until the tears were inseparable from the rain. My hair dripped down my neck; ruined.

            I knew from the start not to come. They were just trying to make me happier, and I thank them for it from the bottom of my soul. I probably could have tried harder, but what was the use now? I  couldn’t go back into the dance now. I did come, that was more than I planned to do; that was more than I’d done all summer. And I still have months more of waiting.

            It’s always “ I wish”. I wish I’d kissed him one more time. I wish I’d told him I love him one more time. I wish I had one more picture of him. I wish I didn’t have this gaping hole in my heart and an elephant lying on my chest keeping me from breathing.

            Each breath is a gasp for air. My lungs are screaming for air. My heart is screaming to stop making it beat. Is this what separation feels like? If it is, she’s never felt it. Not even she could possibly hate her son that much. Or does she just have a problem with me? It’s not like she’s ever met me, or seemed like she cared to.

            Something in the grass pulled me from my thoughts. I looked up to see a squirrel running through the field. He was so playful and lively; it gave me strength. The squirrel wasn’t afraid. His bravery brought him to rest upon his hind legs right before me. His nose twitched as he sniffed the air. In his arms was an acorn when he sat in the grass before climbing onto the rock.

            I was eyelevel with the squirrel. I didn’t care; he was non-judgmental company, which I was longing for. I began to speak to him.

            “Do you understand little squirrel? What would you do? Would you fight on?” He just stared at me, so I continued in my head.

            It’s so hard to keep going. February can’t come soon enough. I know he feels the same way. But the little voice whispers to me. It says he’ll find someone else. It says he won’t want me. It says the magick will run out and I will be left behind.

            Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, and when he fell, all the kings horses and men couldn’t put him together again. What if I’m Humpty? When my heart breaks, no one will be able to fix it. The little voice tells me he won’t want me and I will shatter. No one can solve a shattered puzzle.

            I fill my head with memories of him; how his warm hand feel in mine, how his strong arms hold me tight, how his soft lips kiss me, how I would completely surround myself with nothing but him.

            That trip spoiled me. We spent so much time together. I should be thankful for the time we had, not upset we don’t have more. Looking through the memories like a scrapbook, those were the best four days of my life. Not even the best can last forever though, or it wouldn’t be the best. It wouldn’t be appreciated if it was always had.

            Maybe that’s why I think our love is so strong. Because we know what it’s like to go weeks at a time being separated.

            . . .  But mostly, I’m probably just a silly teenage girl who doesn’t know anything about love, and is being melodramatic because she’s pissed her boyfriend’s mom won’t let her seventeen-year-old son have a life.

            I laid down in the damp grass as duck rolled in, closed my eyes, and dreamt to the future.

 

So take this rant as a grain of salt, spilt from the shaker, unnoticed and unwanted, blown away by a single breath of air.

Reviews

[Will]

Wow... That was fantastic! The water imagery was fantastic, and the raw emotion kept me riveted with this piece. Great job!