Through His Eyes

            I unfolded the letter and read it. I’d probably be able to recite every word by now. The creases were worn and ink smudged. But I could still hear her voice in my head. It felt like moments ago she was in my arms smiling. But that was years ago. I missed her.

            I hate that you feel drugs are the answer. I hate that you don't take care of yourself. I hate that it’s not as important to you as it is to me. I hate that you don't really care about anything. I hate that your future isn't important to you. I hate that you don't value your education. I hate that you don't show initiative to have a better life. I hate that you're so serious all the time. I hate that you're always upset. I hate that when I'm trying to understand you shut me out. I hate that I'm always upset because of you. I hate the way you act about my problems. I hate that you make me feel like a failure. I hate that your constant complimenting of me makes me feel worse about myself. I hate that you won't believe it won't change my mind. I hate that we argue all the time. I hate that you just forget about things like they didn't happen when they did. I hate that you make me feel like crap because I can’t just forget them. I hate that I can never sleep because I'm worried about you. I hate that I have no one to talk to about this. I hate that I have to shut myself up and wear a mask around everyone else. I hate that there are so many things I should be worried about but I put them all second to you. I hate that I've risked my education for you because I promised I would. I hate that I'm constantly afraid I can't help. I hate that I feel like I'm wasting my time. I'm a ticking time bomb. And I can't do anything to change it. I love you.

            A tear slid down my cheek and I wiped it away with my sleeve. The cool autumn air blew across my face and threatened to tear the note from my hands. I held onto it tight �" my lifeline. Without it, she was completely gone.

            At least this way, I can pretend she is still here, even when I know she isn’t.

            The wind gusted stronger ripping my letter from my hands. Instinctively I reached for it, remembering my location too late. As I fell down, down to the hardened desert ground, I thought about the day she was gone.

            They had called me in a panic. I could hear cries and screams in the background. Come quickly. And I bolted out the door, running and driving as fast as I could. The hospital was a flurry of activity. Some positive, some negative, some panicked. I found the room easily, but wasn’t allowed in. I spent hours in the waiting room with her family, patient. Others came and went, but we stayed all night; silent, unmoving, staring blankly at walls. I still didn’t know what had happened.

            When a doctor finally came for us, he looked grave. It wasn’t a good sign. I wish I hadn’t heard. I wish I had known; I could have helped. Guilt consumed me. Hours before, she handed me the note. Read it when you have time. No rush. I hadn’t yet found time to read her note. Feeling it in my pocket, I burst into tears. Why hadn’t I put her first? How could I let this happen? Her family was so pained. I wouldn’t dare to mention it to them. This was my burden.

            I crashed to the ground, blacking out; my last sight, of her. When I awoke, it was different. I was here, but I wasn’t. I didn’t exist. My body lay crumpled and bloody on the ground. But I could float freely where ever I chose. I closed my eyes and thought of her. Time didn’t exist anymore. I felt safe, happy and serene.

 

            I’m sorry I couldn’t save you. I love you.