Chapter 3

On October 27, 2007, I was sitting down at the computer downloading music. I had picked up a stray cat months before this and my mom asked me to clean the kitty litter before I went to bed. I told her I would and I left it at that. A few minutes passed and my mom came running out the room and started cleaning the kitty litter and screaming at me about how lazy and useless I was. WOAH! Calm down woman. I asked her what was wrong and she said that she had asked me over an hour ago to clean the litter box and I hadn't moved a muscle since. 

“You told me to clean the litter box before I went to bed.”

“No, I told you to do it now.”

“Are you f*****g high?! You told me to do it before I went to bed. I'm not going to bed yet. I was going to do it.”

“No you weren't! You're a lazy, good for nothing piece of s**t and you can't do anything right! I should have never let you keep this cat!”

She grabbed the cat by the neck and started to squeeze. I immediately jumped up to get the cat out of her hand. I have a serious soft spot for cats and I didn't want her to kill him so I attacked her. I punched her in the chest in what felt like slow motion. It was like my subconscious didn't want me to hurt her so it felt like I barely hit her. I made contact, don't get me wrong, but it felt like a soft blow, and she knew that I was trying to punch her.

“Oh hell no! You are not going to hit me!”

She opened the door, threw the cat outside, and dove at me and knocked me to the floor. She was really strong for a pill head, I had to give her that. I tried for what seemed like forever to get her off of me while trying to avoid her from hitting me. All that was left to do was get her off of me so I could run down the road to my grandmother's house. I used my feet to get her off. As soon as she was off of me, I bolted for the door, but I wasn't fast enough. She grabbed a hold of my hair and pulled me backwards. I reacted a little too quickly and turned around and punched her hard enough to make her stumble backwards and fall onto the couch. I was free to leave. I went to my grandmother's house and I stayed there until I had calmed down and I knew that my mother had went to sleep. 

I didn't mean to seriously injure my mother if I had. I just wanted to get away. What had gotten into her? Why was she acting she harshly towards me? Did the pills give her memory loss as well as anger issues? I went to sleep that night angry and I've regretted it ever since. I should have gone back sooner that night to talk to her and make sure that neither of us went to bed angry, but I didn't.

The next morning was a Sunday morning like any other. I was supposed to be meeting Aiden at 8 a.m. so we could go to church. I woke up and I started to get my clothes ready to take a shower when I heard my mother screaming my name and asking for help. How dare she ask for MY help after the stunt that she pulled last night?!

“No! I'm not going to help you. Help yourself and leave me alone.”

“Fine! I will. Permanently!”

I rolled my eyes and continued to gather my clothes. Such a drama queen. I figured I'd rather take a shower at my grandmother's house than sit here and deal with all this drama. I put my clothes under my arm and walked through the living room. I stopped as I opened the door.

“I love you, Mom. I'm leaving to go to maw maw’s. Bye.”

No response. She's probably still angry at me. I opened the door and left. She should have cooled down by the time I get back.

I went to my grandmother's, got dressed, and left for church. After church, Aiden and I walked around town for a bit. We ended up going to his little clubhouse and having sex. It was nice to feel good for a while after the long night that I'd had. After sex, I told him about what had happened and how I was feeling bad about what I'd done. He told me that sometimes parents and their children don't see eye to eye. It soothed me a little. He was right. How are people supposed to grow if they never have obstacles to overcome. I thanked him and we walked around the town for a few hours talking about stupid things. It was a beautiful day. It wasn't too hot or too cold and it was sunny. These types of days are my favorite. I was happy. I had my guy, I was healthy, and I was safe. Nothing could ruin this day. Boy was I wrong.

Aiden's phone rang as we were walking. He answered it.

“Hey, mom.”

He looks at me with confusion on his face.

“Yea, she's right here. Why?”

We stop walking and I stare at him confused waiting for him to hand me the phone as it seemed like his mother wanted to talk to me. His face changed completely in a split second.

“. . .OK.”

He closes the phone and drops down to his knees in the middle of the road and grabs my hands and starts crying.

“Baby, what's wrong?”

He just sits there kneeling and crying and pleading for me to stay right where I am.

“What the f**k is going on?! Tell me”

He didn't say a word and I was starting to get pissed. All of a sudden what seemed like 5 vehicles came out of nowhere, like bats outta hell and parked outside the church that we are at that morning. Aiden's mom was the first to arrive and I was shoved into the vehicle and they shut the door and told me to stay put and not open the door. Whatever I thought. It must not be too important if no one wants to tell me what was happening. So I sat there and looked out the window while Aiden and his mother talked. I don't know what was said but it couldn't have been good considering he was crying. Suddenly he turns to the vehicle, opens the door, and sits down on the van floor. He looks up at me and grabs my hands.

“Will someone please tell me what the f**k is going on?!”

He looks at the floor and doesn't say anything. He picks his head up with tears in his eyes and says 5 words that I was not expecting to hear.

“Baby . . . your mom is dead.”

I swear ten million thoughts and every emotion except happiness raced through my head upon hearing those words. Dead? My mom? How? When? Where is she now? Is this real? A mean joke? What happened? I immediately thought back to the previous night and this morning. Why did I hesitate to say I was sorry? Why didn't I try to talk to her? I was definitely angry and it showed. I screamed at the top of my lungs and started punching and kicking to get away from him. I had never clenched my fists so hard and drawn blood before, but I did that time and I barely felt it. Aiden grabbed a hold of me and started crying even harder. 

I didn't want to believe that my mom was gone. I had just spoken to her a few hours before I left for church. This had to be some sick joke. I started crying and looked at Aiden.

“I don't believe you. I want proof.”

He looked down in sorrow and then to his mom. He wasn't speaking to me. Why wasn't he speaking to me?!

“D****t, Aiden! I want to see her. I want you to prove to me that what you are saying isn't just some sick f*****g joke!”

He still wasn't answering me and I was growing angrier by the second.

“NOW!”

He looked shocked and I guess he had good reason. I had never hollered at him like that, but then again, it's not every day you get told that your mom is no longer alive. I hadn't even noticed that other people were there. My brothers, my Aunt Briana, and a few other people that I can't seem to recall. I got out of the van and I stood on the ground to the best of my ability. I was crying hysterically. Douglas came over and grabbed me and said he was sorry. My knees started to buckle. I was too weak to stand. The only thing my brain was fixated on was the horrific news I had just received. My brain was still trying to process it so apparently motor functions were irrelevant. As I started to fall, he caught me and told me to stand up, but when he said it, he sounded like he was talking to someone who was being over-dramatic and overreacting. It was callous, authoritative, and satiric. How could you treat me like this in a time when I could use your kindness and sincerity? How could you be so contemptuous? Have a heart! No wonder I was cynical. This man is heartless. I pushed him away very gently, almost obsequious, as to avoid enraging him. He would have caused a scene anyway. So I walked away from him and towards my brothers. 

Brodi was obviously upset, but not a tear was shed. His face was hard. He was showing no emotion. I guess he thought he had to be strong for his siblings, and he was completely right. I looked over at Cole, who was 10 at the time. He was an emotional wreck. When I saw him, I immediately stopped crying and ran to him and held him and tried to calm him down. 

“I'm so sorry, Cole. I'm so, so sorry. It'll be OK. Don't cry.”

How stupid of me to say. 'Don't cry'? He just lost his mother that he barely got to know. He had every reason to cry. He could've thrown himself on the ground and pitched a fit like a baby and I would've understood. You never know how you will react in certain situations until it actually happens to you. I was trying my best to be compassionate. It's what we all needed, when others obviously didn't give a damn. He calmed down after a while, but I never let him leave my side.

Aunt Briana walked up to me and hugged me. I remember her stroking my hair and back reverently. It was nice to have someone not say anything for a minute. I laid my head against her chest and closed my eyes. The world stopped spinning and I was able to drown out everything and everyone around me. I stayed like that for what seemed like forever. I opened my eyes and looked up at her. 

“I want to see her. I want proof.”

“OK. Let's go.”

I don't remember Agnes saying that she was going to ride with us, but she came. The entire ride I remember saying “I don't believe it. It's not real. It's not true.” I was trying to reassure myself that it was a bad dream. I thought if I said it enough that it wouldn't be true and I would wake up and I would see my mother's face again. I kept shaking my head no as if I could slowly shake the thought from my head. It wasn't working. Please let it be a joke. 

Aunt Briana turned around, “Do you want a cigarette?”

“Absolutely not! She's too young and she doesn't need that.”

I wasn't in any shape to speak, but I surely wasn't thinking anything nice. How dare you answer for me! I can speak for myself, but I let it go. All I wanted was to get home, see my mom, apologize, and then take a nap. I was exhausted.

We pulled around the corner and my worst fear was realized. A hearse. That was all the proof I needed. The hearse was leaving as we were pulling up. I was too late, but now I knew the truth. My mom is really gone. I'm 16. I should have my mom here with me. She's supposed to be here for everything. She was taken from me too soon. It wasn't fair! What did I do to deserve this? 

We pulled into the driveway and parked the car. Without a word, I opened the door and ran into the house. I went straight to my mom's room where they had told me she had passed away. I stood in the bathroom doorway and stared at the empty bathroom. I was shaking. The entire house felt empty now. It felt like something was missing because there was. 

All of a sudden, it felt like the wind had been knocked out of me and I couldn't breathe. I felt my eyes well up with tears. So much regret. I never got to apologize. I hadn't hugged or kissed her for months because of all the arguing that was going on between us. I was such a spoiled brat and I had missed my final chance to show her affection. I told her I loved her as I was leaving, but she never responded. I didn't think anything of it. I thought she was still angry, but my mother had never failed to tell me that she loved me back. I should have realized it then. God! How stupid could I have been to not notice?! All the anger got the best of me and I reacted. I made a fist and swung at the nearest wall, leaving a hole. My hand had gone straight through. I was overwhelmed with so much guilt. This was all my fault. Then my mother's final words hit me like a ton of bricks: 

“Fine! I will. Permanently!”

I had told her to leave me alone. Did she commit suicide?! I needed to find out. I needed someone to answer my question, but who? Who could possibly have the answers I was looking for?  I went to my room and sat on my bed. I looked at my hand and saw that it was bleeding and covered in bits of plaster. I had put my hand through a wall after all. I didn't bother to wipe the blood off. I really didn't care. I was too numb. I was never going to see my mother laugh or smile again. No more conversations or dance parties in the living room or her fussing at me to eat my liver. My entire world came crashing down in a single day and I was powerless to fix it. I took a breath and closed my eyes. It wasn't long before I was interrupted.

Douglas walked in and kneeled down in front of me. I will never, ever forget the words he said to me: “What ever you told your mother, you can't take it back now.”

I came very close to either spitting in his face and telling him to go f**k himself or punching him. I did neither. I let it slide. I wasn't going to let him get to me. I was done with him. He was insignificant to me in the past so why should now be any different? I sat there for a minute waiting for him to leave. After a while, he stood up and left. I got up and closed the door behind him. I slid down the door until I was sitting and started to cry once again. My entire life was changing and it wasn't fair. I had just got her back and now she was gone again. How am I supposed to cope with this? 

The next few days were a blur. The wake came and went and so did the funeral. She was buried on Halloween. The day of the funeral everyone was in tears, even Adam. The last memory I had of him and my mom together wasn't exactly a great one. He seemed to hate her the last time they were together, so why was he even crying, much less here?

The memory was a traumatic one for me, as well as for my mother. I woke up to my mother screaming my name at the top of her lungs. She was yelling for me to help her. It wasn't a normal, “Hey, can you please come help me?”, it was in a distressed tone. She was in obvious danger. I jumped outta bed and ran to her room. When I got there, I noticed she wasn't in there, so she had to have been in the bathroom. The door was closed so I opened it. Adam was on top of my mother pinning her down with his hands around her throat, but despite my mother's best efforts to escape, he was too strong. When he saw that I had opened the door he slammed it right in my face and told me to go away. I looked around for something I could use to save my mom from the situation. A bat! I kicked the door back open.

“Get off of my mother and leave now or I will hit you.”

It had obviously caught his attention because he turned around quickly and stood up. I had the bat ready to swing in case he tried to attack me, but I stepped aside to let him pass, hoping he would leave peacefully. He walked out the room and slammed the front door shut on his way out. I ran to go lock it to prevent him from coming back in and hurting my mom again. I walked back into my mom's bathroom and saw that she was crawling backwards, gasping for air. I dropped the bat and went over to her. She motioned towards her throat when I asked what was wrong. She was obviously having trouble breathing and I wasn't a doctor or a nurse, so I did what I could and dialed 911. 

They came and picked her up and took her to the hospital. It wasn't until later that I discovered that he had actually crushed her wind pipe with his bare hands and had I waited a few more minutes to call the ambulance, she would have died. I was relieved to know that I had saved my mother's life and knew that she was going to be OK.

I felt kind of sorry for him, but on the other hand I was glad that he was feeling regret. He deserved to hurt for the pain and mental anguish he had put my mother through. 

I turned my head away and stared at the concrete underneath my feet. I was dressed nicely, wearing all black as people normally do in attendance of a funeral. I was completely numb. What is going to happen to me? I'm sixteen years old and now I have no mother to teach me right from wrong, teach me about love, be there for my graduation, my wedding, or my first child. I had lost everything in a single moment. My life was changing and I wasn't happy about it.

Agnes came outside of the funeral home and stared at me for a few minutes before she spoke. 

“It's time for you to come inside and say goodbye to your mother. You have to get some closure, now.”

I had just lost my mother, but that didn't stop [name and name] from stepping in and trying to take her place once again. I couldn't help but feel that this was somehow planned out, just another scheme to get me back. I was grieving so my thoughts were a little provoked and suspicious. How can you force me to do something that I'm obviously not ready for? The worst possible thing to do in this situation is try to make someone accept something before they are ready. I'm still in denial here and you're going to try to rush me through the other stages? I don't think so

Needless to say, I didn't go in. This wasn't about anyone else but my immediate family who had lost a member that was important to all of us. I stayed staring at my feet for a while until someone showed up that I never expected to be there: Audie. After the little incident with my ex, I hadn't intended to speak to her, but it felt nice to know that someone that had spent so much time with me while I was back was willing to bury the hatchet and be there for me in my time of need, and I desperately needed someone. 

“I'm so sorry, Alex.”

I looked up at her and immediately started crying. Those were the words I needed to hear for some reason. It was like it was the final push over the edge to make me cry. I stood up and grabbed her and held on tightly. I was so afraid to let go. All I could think about was how I wish that I was holding my mom right now and telling her how sorry I was, but I cried even harder at the fact that I would never get that chance again. 

I finally went inside the funeral home and saw everyone that was there. Everyone looked at me like I was fragile, that I could break at any moment. There were whispers everywhere. What were people thinking? Did they think I killed her? Do they know how she really died? Whatever. I've got too much going on already to entertain everyone's thoughts. 

I slowly walked in to see a casket with dozens of peach roses arranged on top of a gray casket. Peach roses, my mother's favorite. I smiled a little. I looked around further and saw my grandmother and my aunt crying. Other people were crying too, but I was more worried about the people I knew as opposed to those that I didn't. Who are all these people anyway? Are they family members or just members of the community that feel sorry for us? I glanced around and made sure not to make eye contact with anyone. Dozens of flowers, greenery everywhere, pictures, etc. What is the point of all these plants? They're going to die anyway. Ironic to bring them to a funeral. 

As I stepped closer to the casket I saw that my brothers were there. They were both crying this time. It was a relief to be honest. It was nice to see people that I was 100% comfortable with. Then I saw my mom. My eyes filled with tears and I slowly closed my eyes. I opened them again as a few tears fell. I looked at her for what seemed like hours. She looked so peaceful and so beautiful. I touched her hands that were so graciously placed on her chest. She was cold. So many things I wish I could say to you. I looked her up and down and my eyes fell on the necklace that she was wearing. It was a diamond cross that my grandmother had showed me and asked if I was OK with my mother wearing it. Her chest seemed to move up and down as if she was still breathing. I guess it's normal for us to seem things that aren't there after seeing it for so long. I mean I know what someone looks like when they stop breathing, but when they stop permanently, it's hard to make the motions of breathing disappear so we just imagine them instead. I could have swore that she was still alive. She was a different color and she was cold so there was no way that was true.

My grandma and my aunt came and stood next to me. 

“She looks beautiful, doesn't she?”, said my grandma. Her words were soft and whisper like. She sounded like she was holding back tears. I didn't blame her. She had just lost her baby girl. 

“I don't have anything to remember her by.”

As weird as it was to ask, I had to. 

“Can I have a lock of her hair?”

My mother always had the most beautiful hair in my eyes. I take pride in my hair now because I feel like it keeps her memory alive. That's why I'm always changing my hair. Coloring, cutting, curling, all those good things because my mother always fooled with her hair and it was gorgeous. 

My aunt ran and found some scissors and cut me a lock of her hair. I was thrilled in that moment, but also ridiculously distraught. I thought it was so sad that the only thing that I was going to have to remember my mother by was a small amount of hair. She was never going to be able to pass down her jewelry to me or to my child if I ever had a daughter.

It was in that moment that I realized how weak I was and just how equally strong. I was crying my eyes out feeling completely hopeless. Nothing in the world could make me feel better, but at the same time it was amazing how easily distracted I was able to become when I had laughter and ridiculous things going on. The end of the wake was a blur after that. I don't remember going home or falling asleep that night, but I can only imagine that I didn't sleep well.

The next day came and it was the day that my mother was to be buried. I don't remember what I was wearing, who all was there, nothing. I walked into the funeral home and we said the rosary as per usual a catholic funeral. I didn't shed a single tear. I was fine. I was feeling like I had finally come to terms with the fact that I had lost my mother. I'm strong so I can do this. She's gone, I'm sad, but I'll be OK.

The priest stood up and called the pall bearers forward. I took a breath. It's done and over with. I made it through this and I know now that I can make it through anything.  The pall bearers walked forward and the casket was closed.

I instantly lost it. I'm not ready! I can't do this! The last image I have of my mother is of her laying in a casket not breathing or speaking. I dropped to my knees and let it all out. I wasn't ready to let go of her. Please, God, don't take her away. I need my mom! I don't know how much time passed before I was pulled to my feet by my aunt and urged to walk forward behind the casket. It was time to bury her and I seriously wasn't ready to watch this. The congregation was waiting for us outside already, standing on either side of the sidewalk making an opening in the middle like one you'd see at a wedding when the bride and groom walk out of the church. I made sure not to meet anyone’s eyes. 

All I could think about was how I hope that anyone who had ever said anything or had done anything to my mother before her untimely death regretted it just as much as I did. If I was going to suffer, then so was everyone else. 

I can't recall who I rode with to the grave site, but when I got there, they had chairs arranged for immediate family members to sit. I stayed back for a few minutes until someone found me and brought me to a chair. I had no intention of sitting down and had no idea that I was important enough to sit here anyway. I sat down and the priest started talking. It seemed like forever until he stopped. He had handed my brothers a cross and for what I don't remember, but then he got to me. He said something about a gift from my mother. In the event of her death it was to be passed on to me and so on down the line. He walked over to me with the most beautiful rosary I had ever seen. It was crystal with silver lace markings on each bead. It seemed to gleam in the sun as I turned it over to look at it. This is incredible. Tears started to fall down my cheeks. My mother loved me! She had wrote me into her will! It was the most heartwarming moment in my life!

I sat there in my seat and I cried for the longest time. My mother was placed into her grave plot and everyone left and headed over to my grandmother's home. I stayed behind and stared at my mother's resting place. My grandparents had bought a mausoleum slot in case they kicked the bucket, but my mother didn't have one so they just placed her in theirs. She was laid to rest right above my great grandfather. The whole mausoleum was filled with deceased family members, so I began to think that maybe it was a family resting place. After a few minutes, I stood up and started to walk home. It felt like the first time since my mom had passed that I was granted some alone time.

When I got to my grandparent's house, I noticed that the entire house was filled with food. Apparently eating after burying a family member is a tradition. I guess it would be considered comfort food. I was too upset to eat so I just went sit down. My cousin, Jeremy, came and gave me a hug and told me how sorry he was about my mother. I found it a little odd considering how mean he usually was to me, but I accepted it. I needed hugs today more than any other day and I was glad that someone noticed. He told me he loved me and left. 

I stayed sitting on the couch in silence until Aiden and Audie came sit next to me and asked me if I wanted to go trick or treating later that night. Halloween has always been my favorite holiday. It's a day where I feel like you are granted permission to be someone else and no one else can judge you, but this year, on this day, Halloween was ruined for me. How was I supposed to go have fun knowing that my mother wasn't going to ever have fun again. I sat there and I thought about it for a second. My friends are only trying to help and maybe getting away from everyone and doing something to take my mind off the situation might help. I told them yea I would love to go and I went talk to my grandmother to let them know that I was going.

“Maw maw, I'm gonna go trick or treating tonight. I need to take my mind off of everything.”

“OK. That sounds like a great idea. Who are you going with?”

“Audie and Aiden.”

Audie rounded the corner.

“We'll take care of her. Don't worry.”

“No! Absolutely not! You are not going.”

Everyone swung around and saw that Douglas had been listening to the conversation. He was under the impression that me going out that night was disrespectful to my mother's memory and he was adamant on making sure I didn't go. At least he was consistent in trying to ruin my happiness.

“Why can't she go?'

Naturally, Aunt Briana came to my rescue. She more than anyone thought that I deserved to be happy and I was completely ecstatic to have someone on my side.

“She doesn't need to be alone tonight. She needs to be respectful of her mother and her family. It's not right and I said no.”

I stormed out of the house and went out to the back and started to cry. God will this day ever end? I haven't stopped crying once today and the one time where someone is trying to make me feel better Doug has to come and stomp it out. It wasn't long before Aunt Briana came and told me to come inside so we could talk.

I followed her in and everyone was sitting around a table waiting for me to take a seat.

“Sit down.”

I took my seat and stared back at everyone who was staring at me. Granny Ruth still had the look of tears in her eyes from having cried for a few days and she looked like she had lost sleep over the last few days. Doug and Agnes were sitting there with a stone cold look on their faces. 

“What did I do now?”

I was scared and I was definitely on the verge of tears, but I wasn't going to let them intimidate me. If they wanted me to honor my mother, I would do so by making sure that they knew that I wasn't going to let them have power over me. Aunt Briana obviously picked up on the tension I was putting in the air and cut in. 

“Where do you want to live?”

I was immediately taken aback by the question. I hadn't given it much thought, but now it was like a ton of bricks had been dropped on my chest. How could I have overlooked this? I can't stay living in my mother's house because she isn't there anymore so where am I supposed to go now? What's gonna happen to me?

“Do I have a choice?”

“Of course you have a choice, that's why you're here.”

I looked up and saw my paternal grandmother standing there. Up until this moment, I had completely forgotten that she was there. I looked at here and memories came flooding back of how she came and visited me when I had moved back in with my mother. During those short 6 months she had brought me to a hair store to get extensions and hair dye and all the other things that she had missed the opportunity to get for me after my mother and biological father had split. 

I brought my attention back to the table.

“What are my choices?”

“You can move in with us”, said Agnes.

Of course they wanted me to move in with them. I didn't expect much else from them. I was about to argue until . . . 

“Or, you can move in with me.”

I looked at Maw Annabelle stunned. Had she really just presented the option for me to go live with her as opposed to the evil stepmother and wicked adoptive dad?

“Really?”

“Yes. You can come live with me.”

“Can I still go trick or treating tonight?”

I heard Douglas draw in a sharp breath. He was really intent on making sure I didn't go out tonight.

“Yes. You can go. I'll bring you to your grandmother's tonight after you get home.”

Once again, Aunt Briana had come to my rescue and seeing as how I had made the decision to go live with my grandmother, I was ecstatic that I had made the right choice and was getting to live with someone I hadn't seen in years and going trick or treating.

I told everyone that I was going to go home and get some clothes and go get ready. Aiden and Audie came with me. I got dressed and we headed out. Along the way we laughed at all the silly costumes that people were wearing and even managed to get some candy from a few of the people sitting outside handing it out. I enjoyed that night as much as I could. I knew that when the night was over that I was going to a new place with a new school, new friends, a new life.

Author's Note

This was a really difficult chapter for me to write.