chapter 2

. . .I finally got my wish

On April 23, 2007, I got a phone call from my mother saying that she had signed the paperwork and now had custody of me. Boy was I excited! I remember packing my things so quickly and throwing the bags down the stairs just to hurry up and get the hell out. I was so happy! Adam came and picked me up. The ride home is a blank, but I will never forget the words that I spoke to my mom when I walked into the house. 

 

She was standing in the bathroom fixing her hair and when she saw me her eyes lit up.

“I'm home.”

All that followed was lots of hugging, crying, and unpacking. When I said that I don't remember too much from my past, I meant it. I don't recall what happened after I got home that night. I do, however, recall a few memories from my time there. Some of them are great and some, not so great.

I remember transferring schools and having to say goodbye to my friends. It was terrible and I cried. As much as I hated being with Doug and Agnes, I really liked my friends because they made me laugh and forget about all the bad things that were going on around me. That was the part that hurt the most. I was afraid I'd never see them again. Little did I know that when I started attending school, Zane and Corbin would be there as well. They had left the private school before I did, but I had no idea they were going to be where I was. I was ecstatic.

Well, when I went to talk to them, they ignored me. I felt like they had no idea who I was or that they wanted nothing to do with me. Oh well, I thought, if they want to be a******s, then I'll leave them alone. I made new friends while attending [insert school name], but one friend in particular was one that I was happy to reconnect with: Audie. We had been friends before I was taken away from my mother so I was happy to see a familiar face. We picked up right were we had left off. It was like I had never left. I only have a few memories of her and I that I can recall. She would come sleep over at the house all the time, even on school nights. It was like we were sisters. Her parents and my mother had attended the same high school that we were and they were friends growing up as well. The next morning, when we woke up, it was a Saturday and my mom was still sleeping. We were really bored so I decided to tell her about the porn that I had stumbled across while looking for something in my mom's room. 

Now, you have to remember that I was 16 at the time, so porn was a fairly new and exciting thing to me. I had just lost my virginity after all. As many of you already know, sex in porn is nothing like real life sex. Real life sex is disgusting and gross, as it should be. Our brains are hardwired to overlook the grossness in sex and continue doing what feels good, and even, what is necessary. Sometimes spit is used in the place of lube, we make weird noises, and sometimes lose control of our bodily functions. Sex in porn is scripted. Six men dressed in army uniforms standing in a circle around a kneeling blond with all their wieners out very seldom happens. 

I went into my mom's room and took the VHS tape (that's how old it was) and brought it back to the living room. We both sat down on the couch and covered up with the same blanket. No, nothing happened. I was aroused no doubt, but it was more humorous than anything. I distinctly remember laughing at the army men slapping the blond in the face with their penises. It was hilarious. Luckily, we turned it off right as my mom was waking up and coming into the living room. WHEW!

I don't think my mom ever found out either. Audie and I used to do a lot of things that would have gotten us into trouble had we gotten caught. Catching the bus one morning, she and I were talking to our boyfriends (she was dating my boyfriend's best friend). Naturally, we weren't allowed to bring our cell phones to school, but being rebellious, we found a way. We stuck our phones behind our belt buckles and tucked in our shirts. It was ingenious, at least I thought so. When we got on the bus, we slid down in our seats and called the boys back. 

She would even ride the bus home with me sometimes. Other times, I would walk all the way to her house, and believe me, it's far. Walking through the woods isn't exactly my cup of tea. I'm terribly afraid of spiders. They move weird. It just makes my skin crawl, but I was going to see my 'bestie' so a few spiders were worth it. We even had a little place to hang out in the woods, so eventually I got used to it. 

One day, I brought Aiden with me to visit her. Big mistake! I ended up having to walk back to her house from our little hangout and go put on some shorts. I left him with her. Another big mistake. When I came back, they were kissing each other and I was absolutely devastated. My best friend is kissing my boyfriend! How could they do this to me?! I took off running back home without a word, and yes, I ran through the woods. I got home and cried my eyes out. 

When I told my mom what had happened, she told me something that I will never forget: “No man is going to respect you unless you respect yourself. You're wasting your tears on someone you don't really care about. If you cared for him like you say you do, you would have stayed there and pleaded with him to never do it again and to come home with you. You didn't. You realized he wasn't worth fighting for and you ran. Remember that. Don't waste tears on a man that won't look at you like you're the only girl in the world.”

Naturally, I didn't take her advice. He called me and begged me to let him come over. I did. He tried to make me believe that nothing happened and that my eyes were playing tricks on me. I almost believed him. I thought I was in love at the time, so everything he said was right and I viewed him as a god.

Now while I am ashamed to admit this now, every single time he came over, we had sex. Every time. Without fail. If I went to his house, sex. If he wasn't allowed to come over, but he was in the area, I'd walk to meet him and then, sex. It was non-stop.  I remember going walk in the park down the road by my house and we went into the woods. It started to rain, but that didn't stop us. I was 16 after all and my libido was through the roof! I was insatiable. I still am to be honest. I have the sex drive of a succubus. 

Life had finally gotten better. I had my mom back, my friends, my boyfriend, until things took a turn for the worst. 

If you've been following along you will remember me telling you that my mom was a pill head and I was beginning to witness just how bad it really was. She would have constant seizures. I recall 3 in one day. It was unfortunate. I hated to see her in so much pain and so helpless. Everyone had to stay on their toes because she could have a seizure at any moment. I mean like, be in a store and fall to the ground. It was that bad. Looking back on it, I observed her on the phone with my grandfather (we'll talk about him in a bit) talking about needing help with something. He must have really upset her because as soon as she hung up the phone, she fell to the floor, hitting her head on the island on the way down. Aiden was with me at the time and I don't think either of us had moved so fast in our lives. We did our best to calm her down and wait it out. When she finally relaxed, we brought her to her bed and she rested for the day. That's literally all I remember. I do remember thinking that no teenager should have to play the parent. This isn't what my childhood should be. I didn't sign up for this. Then it got worse.

Whenever we would go places and I would hear my mother talk, I could tell by her slurred speech that she was “fucked up” or “pilled out”. I instantly knew that it was going to be a terrible day. I started to retaliate and rebel. I started arguing with her almost every day. I threw things at her, screamed, and even hit her a few times. I even went as far as to run away on one occasion. 

We got into an argument right as I was leaving for school about something I don't remember and she slapped me across the face, I slapped her back, she tried to choke me and I ran out the door and didn't go to school. I just left and took off walking. Today I just chalk it up to normal teenage rebellion and another coping mechanism. I started walking towards the park with tears in my eyes. What was happening? Mother and daughter relationships shouldn't be like this! It was the f*****g pills again! I was livid and distraught all at the same time. I made it to the park, but it wasn't long before the cops showed up. I'm guessing that the school had called my mom to let her know I never showed up, and she, in turn, called the cops. They took me to the police station where she was waiting for me. I didn't want to even look at her and when I tried to explain to the cop that she had slapped me and tried to choke me, he ignored me and told me to go home with her and behave. Sheesh! Do your job!

I went home and immediately went to my room and locked the door. I turned on the stereo and put in a bullet for my valentine CD. I turned it up all the way and laid down in bed. God! Today sucks! I stayed in bed for the remainder of the day. I was too aggravated to leave my room for fear that I might come face to face with my mother. I silently prayed for her to just stop taking the pills. The physical arguments between us only occurred a few times. For the most part, she stayed in bed all day “doped up”. 

I regrettably saw her illness as an opportunity to do what I wanted. I started stealing from her purse so I could eat and I stopped going to school. I was so desperate to stay home that I even put on my uniform, told her bye, opened and closed the door, and quietly ran to my room where I slept under my bed until it was time for me to come home from school. Now sleeping under my bed proved to be quite difficult since I had trundle under it. That meant that I had to pull my bed out a little bit and push the trundle back. It was uncomfortable and I was only able to lay on my back, but I was home and that's all I really wanted.

I slept until I heard my bus pass in front of the house. I listened for where my mom was and I moved as quickly and as quietly as possible to the door and opened and closed it once again to give the impression that I was home. Needless to say, she never found out. I was, however, charged with truancy. I didn't go to jail or boot camp or anything, and the way that I avoided that was kind of a miracle.

My mom started to notice my rebellious nature and called the sheriff. The sheriff came to house and we all sat down at the table to talk about what was going to happen to me. The sheriff mentioned boot camp after my mom told her how she couldn't handle me and my attitude any more. When I heard the words 'boot camp' I stood up real quick, pushing the table away from me. I was immediately granted a second chance. My thumb slid underneath the table as I pushed it and put a big splinter under my thumbnail. It f*****g hurt so bad! It was bleeding unlike any wound I've ever had. My mom and the sheriff both looked at it and agreed that it was too far under my nail for anyone in the house to get out. The only way to get it out would be to cut a piece of nail off right above the splinter and get it out that way. No tweezers were going to get that out and they were right because I tried like hell. I didn't want to go to the hospital! I hate needles! Well too bad for me. I had to get it out or risk infection. Sigh! I really didn't want to. 

My mother and my grandmother came with me to the hospital. My grandmother went to the back with me. I don't remember where my mom went, but I was too angry with her to even care. She was about to send me to boot camp for my actions that were caused by her. She was the one making me act like this. If she wasn't such a pill head and acted like a mother and not a drug addict, things would be better. It didn't take too long for the doctor to see me. He told me that they were going to have to numb my finger and use a scalpel and tweezers to remove it. Oh, great, needles. The doctor left and a nurse came in not too long after with 2 needles. He stuck one on the left side and then, on the right, and let me tell you, it hurt like hell. It felt like he had stuck the needle in and started pulling it backwards and down. I screamed and I think my grandmother might have lost circulation in her hand at that point. My finger turned yellow and it swelled up as I sat there, as per instruction, to wait for my thumb to go numb. I tried to wiggle my finger but I wasn't sure I was moving it until I looked at it to make sure that it was still there. When it was nice and numb the doctor came in cut my nail and removed the splinter. It was bigger than I had thought. It was practically a tree. I might be over-exaggerating, but it was pretty big. On the ride home I looked at my swollen, yellow thumb and thanked God for granting me another chance. I'm not entirely sure of the time span between the splinter incident and the next event, but the night of October 27, 2007 and October 28, 2007 are two dates that I will always remember in great detail.