chromatic expression

my first poem, a reupload from my old account too

most people, i’ve come to realise, think in technicolour.

bold saturation flows like a rainbow, smooth, striking, sure

through their mind. effortless as breathing.

my thoughts are not technicolour- they are monochromatic

and they do not flow, they stick in the back of my throat

and fall from my lips malnourished, colourless.

so- ive learnt the colours.

albiet not organically, but i know them.

i know them by heart

i know how they might feel, the weight they hold,

the meanings other people see.

and i know how to swallow dye

so my thoughts come out, not quite as smooth, striking, or sure

but near enough that no one should ask.

and even if the dye tastes like dirt,

abrades my throat,

erodes my brain

its better than pitiful eyes, irritated exhales and the ever present public knowledge that 

i am never going to discover these colours in my own mind, for myself. 

it will never happen.

‘i never knew’ someone will say, if i tell them. ‘i’d never have guessed.’

i really dont understand this response, however common- seriously? thats all?

‘i didnt know’

its so painfully stupid- because of course you didn’t.

thats the entire point.

Author's Note

yup! this is abt autistic masking but uh think whatcha want

Reviews

[Arundass TP]

Good writing. Enjoyed reading

[DecentlyOkayWriter]

abrades my throat,
erodes my brain
its better than pitiful eyes, irritated exhales
. . .
(My favorite part, here. .)

Welcome (back?) to Writer's Cafe. . !

Somehow, the second I laid my eyes upon this, I knew what it was about. I would be lying if I said I didn't keep some dye on my shelf, to cover the monochrome of my words, my thoughts, and my actions. Even if I never truly understand what makes the dye colorful, or why technicolor is so appealing to everyone else when I much rather prefer my predictable and understandable monochrome. . I still know that it's better to appear technicolor than 'bland' or 'different', even if the dye burns holes in me. . In short, I really liked this.

Thanks for writing this, and please keep writing.

[Vol]

I very much enjoyed this extended metaphor. Hmm, mu thoughts are like Schrodinger's cat, yhey might be in color, but they might just be shades of gray, but if that gray is the grass, I know it's green, just like the sky is always 'up.' If we take it as given that the physical reality er occupy and as something outside of our bodies/minds, then we are all on the same bus, seeing what everyone sees. But what if, and according to the quantum folks it is a real possibility, that the physical world is holographic illusion... But, Whose? you ask... God's i sure hole so, because if it's mine, things might not end so well... Ragnorack might be just around the corner...
Vol