alone

 I wake to find you gone,

 

 And I wonder if you even stayed the night,

You couldn't be here with me for long,  

I'm just that miserable today.

I turn to the right,

Half expecting money on the dresser,

It seems appropriate in a funny kind of way.

The dresser... empty.

My room is devoid of all thoughts of you,

Except your flowers,

And the scent of your cologne,

I cant even escape you when I'm alone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Reviews

[April Child]

I like the line about money on the dresser, that really brings home the feeling you are conveying here. I think you could chop the next lines out, you don't need them to back-up the previous line, the meaning is clear. I would also remove the lines "You couldn't be here with me for long, I'm just that miserable today.", again I think they dilute the piece. The message is strong without needing to be told how you feel, you show us well with your image of the money on the dresser, the flowers and the lingering scent of cologne. I hope you don't mind my suggestions... they are just suggestions and don't get me wrong I like your piece very much, I just see a couple of changes that could make a good poem into an outstanding one.

[Lee E. Powell]

I really liked this...

"Half expecting money on the dresser" ...Awesome!!!

I'm going to agree with April Child, i don't think the line that follows is really needed here.

[Samuel Dickens]

Seeing all the comments left previously, there is nothing much of merit I could add. I'll just say that it is a good poem, and the bit about money on the dresser caught me by surprise. In fact, that line distinguishes this poem and makes it unique.

[Mathew]

good job on showing the emotion threw the poem, "money on the dresser" that was a very smart line. Very good with lots of emotion and ending.

[Barbara Walker]

I have to agree with April Child. This is a very good poem, but it would be outstanding with her suggestions.
I am guilty of telling the reader everything outright, instead of leading them along to come to the same conclusion. I'll have to keep that advice in mind, too. This is really good, Amanda. "I can't even escape you when I'm alone". Love that line. Barbara

[S.J.Floreen]

A perfect description of the coldheartedness men are capable of, and how they make us feel.

[Mia Fin]

In reading through your writing, I have to admit, you are quite apt at nailing the pain from love on the head. I will agree with the others about the "money on the dresser". Sadly, I think more of us have thoughts like that than we would like to admit. Beautiful work.

[Cliff Rhodes]

Nice story, but I want to read more about what happened and how the real feelings were treasured and then hidden because they were too real to write about. So, they were just classified as a room devoid of thoughts, when there was real anger because he is gone.

[bluessadmood]

this is great,you turning around and he is not there,could have never stayed the night ,and did he leave some money ,that was a great hint,i just loved this

[David M Pitchford]

I agree to some extent that you could tighten this poem, make it a bit more concise.
However, it seems to me that you were trying to convey more than one feeling. The image, as April points out, is dead-on. Great image - shows precisely and concretely the feeling of degradation. But then you have the conflicting image of the flowers. That image (I call it "image" because there's no word in English for image-with-olfactory-senses) pulls against the image of the nightstand to bring to light the conflict that arises. While it fails to name the conflict (which I prefer and aplaud), it does raise questions about the conflict. The dresser is about abandonment. No question there. But the flowers could muddle that if they came after the seduction; so the question becomes one of when the flowers arrive. Also, the flowers are a symbol of hope (during the seduction or courtship, a symbol of good intention and/or sincerity).
While I like the melancholy of the final sentence, I think I would appreciate it more as a rhetorical question: Why is it I can't escape / you, even when I'm alone?
Thanks for sharing!
David

[Lyrical Love]

I would love to read this again after the subtle changes suggested by the April Child. This is an incredible piece- in the works. I enjoy the imagery also...looking to find no money on the dresser...Great job!