I Am Therefore I Think

A clue about what is going on in my head!

I AM THEREFORE I THINK

In my younger days I didn’t think too much about the slippery subjects of language and the idea of self. It may be that at an early age we are just too busy getting on with life.

Later, when I watched our own kids gradually acquire language, I came to realise that I was watching something quite magical. The easy bit in learning is to use a word such as ‘cat’ to represent that furry animal but then learning to use abstract words is much tougher. Although using complex language must be one of  our hardest things that we learn to do, we don’t have to take a degree to do it, we just do it. I kept on being amazed - how on earth did wee grandson Leo learn how to do that?

 My own attempts to learn some holiday Spanish were laughable but I remembered meeting a charming three year old Kenyan boy called Oscar who spoke passably in four languages, English, Swahili, the local language in Bungoma and finally, his mother’s local language.

When I got to my mid-forties something happened that changed my world view on the subject for ever.  No! - before you suggest it, I didn’t start taking dope or find Jesus!  With no forewarning I gradually started on a gradual manic ascent from ‘normal’ just as a roller coaster has to make the ascent to the lip of the ‘big dipper’. For me it took several weeks. It felt good - now I know all the signs; talkative, spouting ideas, up all hours and the ‘free viagra’. My wife could see that something was happening to me but neither of us knew what. Of course the cards that  I was placing precariously one by one into the shaky ‘house of mania’ was inevitably bound to come crashing down and eventually our GP had to pull out the bottom card. She contacted the local hospital and I was admitted.

My ‘treatment’ turned out to be about 5 days of observation during which I was quite paranoid and my mood zoomed up and down like a mad roller coaster. At the end of this period the doctors came to the conclusion that I was bipolar and I started taking lithium. Over the next two weeks my mood returned to normal and I returned to home.

This is a good time to state that my aim in this account is not to give a rehash of psychological textbooks but to tell my own story in my own way. Life continued  more or less normally except for a couple of occasions when, with the agreement of the doctor, I stopped the lithium. After a few months I became manic and had to restart the magic pills. It became obvious after a time that my mind wasn’t working in quite the same way as before and I don’t just mean during the occasional spells when I was manic. These manic spells lasting about a week or ten days, seemed to come out of nowhere and were always moderated by my lithium. An analogy that helped explain how they felt was that they were like a week at ‘Glastonbury or Woodstock

’.

It seems obvious that explaining what was going on involved some changes in my brain and nervous system. It is well known that the brain consists of a number of distinct parts each with its own function. Our nervous system consists of our brain, spinal cord and the sensory organs, such as our eyes and ears. An important part of the system is also the neurons, the cells which carry information to and from the brain to all the parts of the body. Information between neighbouring neurons is passed on by chemicals called neurotransmitters. Inside the brain, memories are stored by changing connections between neurones. Exactly how it all works is not fully understood and as is often the case a key to understanding can be unlocked by studying some brain illness or damage.

Back to my own experience now.  Around ten years ago in 2010 I started to get ‘high’ and relationships at home with my lovely and supportive wife Mandy were getting more and more fraught. Of course I wasn’t in a frame of mind to see this situation objectively so I decided to spend some time in Glasgow with my daughter and then visit friends in Fort William - lucky them! I’ll not embarrass anyone with the details of the long weekend but everyone was very understanding. Highlights including deep conversations with nearly everyone I met, going with Eilidh and Jake to see the 3D film Gravity, a Chinese buffet meal, a swim in Loch Linnhe with Mairie at 6am on a November morning (in and straight out!).

The really memorable thing was that at one point I started writing poetry and it just kept on coming. Reading it afterwards it was a bit weird with no rhyme or metre but it was just as if a channel from my subconscious had been opened. It wasn’t like my usual verse where I had to think hard from line to line to find a rhyme and then work hard on the metre. A few of the shorter poems came out ‘fully formed’ and my task seemed just to write them down.

 

 This interest in writing seemed ‘stick’ with me even after the ‘high’ subsided. As I slid back to normal (whatever that is?), I realised that with my inhibitions ‘switched off’ the rambling poems surfacing into normality, straight from the ‘cesspit of my subconscious’ were good, but definitely not shareable .

Apart from this interest in poetry I started to enjoy writing short stories and ideas popped into my head from all sorts of sources, politics, history, personal experience etc. What happened when I was high was that the ability to pick up connections between things became much stronger. I was noticeable using the word ‘like’ more and I guess that the changes taking place in my brain were enabling this possibility.

  I studied physics at University and one of the courses I found most interesting was the history of science. Trying to develop a theory in science will often say that some phenomenon such as the behaviour of light is to hypothesise that light can behave LIKE a wave or a particle. In the same in poetry the poet will say that my love is LIKE a red, red rose. Of course this analogy is not entirely the same as the scientific process is subject to rigorous experiment.

An interesting thing I became aware of is that more and more I tend to play about with numbers in my head.  I can remember, years ago when I was teaching, going along to a seminar about autism. The lady taking the class explained that often those on the spectrum had an urge to arrange objects and line them up. I suddenly realised I was doing exactly that with my pens and notebook.

One thing that I do from time to time is start doing calculations on some random thing I notice. One that I remember when I was out running under a full moon, was working out how long a lunar eclipse lasts - I got pretty close! Another that gave me a sleepless night was when on holiday and I noticed a mile long stone breakwater. Did it or the great pyramid have more stone?

I have to mention prime numbers here. I can’t really figure out what I was doing but they seemed to occupy me night after night for a lengthy period. Thankfully I haven’t even thought about them till now,

1,2,3,5,7,11,13,17,19,23,29,31,37,41,43 …….     27,913 Help!!

More recently I became interested in the story of trying to understand autistic savants. Their story became widely know through the film ‘Rainman’. How is it possible to multiply two large numbers eg 2845x 8931, in a matter of seconds? It seems obvious that these gifted individuals are not using any method that we can apply. Recently one of these savants, Daniel Tammet, has given an explanation that numbers can be associated with textures, colours etc and they are involved in these calculations. I suppose that autistic brains are ‘wired’ up in a different way which allow these talents to flourish.

Some time ago I had a manic episode where I was writing poetry and what became obvious was that the poetry was coming out fully formed as opposed to the laborious line by line composition. It was all I could do to keep up with what was surfacing unbidden from my unconscious. It was noticeable that this worked better after sleep. At one point something strange happened when a line appeared with the rhyme out of sequence. What seemed to be happening was that the poem was being composed ‘fully formed’ in my unconscious during sleep. Could it be that our normal way of writing a poem line by line had been superseded by some kind of parallel processing?

I’m hoping to find that many of the readers of these ramblings find these quirks of thinking  are actually quite normal but I suspect not.

 

 

 

 

   

 

 

 

 

 

 

Reviews

[Caroline B A Maguire]

Your story is fascinating to me as a fellow sufferer of mental illness ( i was diagnosed with schizophrenia and clinical depression 30 years ago). I emphathise fully and applaud your honesty in relating your tale so matter of factly yet not unemotively..I hope you keep well and keep writing..I intend to read much more of your work..much love.c.

[alanwgraham]

Thanks Caroline. It's great to get some feedback from someone who understands. I guessed from your poem but I didn't want to be presumptive. Mental illness is a great burden for family to cope with and I've been very lucky.
Im looking forward to reading more of yours.
Look after yourself.
Alan

[barleygirl]

First, let me say that your bipolar is much more intense than my own. I admire you for being able to describe it as intricately as you do. I especially admire you for not having one iota of judgment toward yourself or the disorder, just stating facts & giving examples. I've always wanted to describe my own bipolar experience in writing, so I am especially interested to see how you do it, how openly & without presenting it as a problem, but just a naturally-occurring aspect of being you that requires management. This is a tutorial for all those other writers at the cafe who seem to be pretty baffled or torn up or discombobulated by whatever disorder(s) they may be dealing with -- this is a roadmap for living with ANYTHING that requires management. We don't need to feel disgruntled becuz most of us have something we need to manage, about ourselves. It takes years of learning & growing to get to the point where you can write about it as dispassionately, yet intelligently, as you do! Bravo! (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[alanwgraham]

Thanks Margie. It's great to get such positive feedback from someone with some insider knowledge of bipolar. I've been quite lucky in that my serious manic episodes are very rare and also that I have a very supportive wife and family. It must be hell for those struggling with chronic mental health and no support. I suppose I have tried to focus on the positives but a full blown manic episode can be scary when any paranoid delusions such as people out to get you are real to you. You are lucky that your own experience has been less extreme. On a brighter note we are enjoying a fine spring here and seem to be getting on top of the virus with things opening up.
Take care and thanks again.
Alan

[Betty Hermelee]

Dear Alan:
I just finished your story I AM, THEREFORE I THINK. I can relate to this in a few ways.
I have a step-daughter who is bi-polar, and has been since her college days. She is on Lithium and other drugs. When she is manic, she is the most creative, speeding person I know. She gets little sleep, but is so productive, writes poetry, keeps a journal, writes novels, and much more.
When she comes off her mania, she is “normal”, still brilliant but not as prolific and speeding, like very fast speaking too. So, I know about bi-polar disease.

You also talk about highly functioning Autistic people. I used to teach autistic kids moons ago in a clinical setting and some of them were geniuses. Their behavior however, was a big problem. Most of my kids were a-social, or were screaming for attention, inappropriately.

Now you talk about your struggle with bi-polar disease. You may not think of it as a struggle but it is in many ways; it affects you, your family, your work, your friends, etc. You speak of it as being a highlight in the sense that It takes you to a new level whereby many things happen; you can’t slow down; your brain is pumping creative juices into poetry; even if it is in your subconscious. I believe that when we sleep or dream, we are actually thinking and putting thoughts together. So, in truth your mania helped you to discover poetry, short stories, etc.
What is a normal way of thinking? Perhaps your subconscious runs along hand in hand.
I loved the story!

[alanwgraham]

Many thanks Betty for giving so much of your time to read and review this piece. It was so interesting to see how much my own experience of bipolar is echoed by your step daughters. Has she been able to share her writing? I haven't been brave enough yet to share how disruptive severe manic can be. I'm very lucky to have a very supportive wife and kids as your step daughter will have.
Thanks again!
Take care,
Alan

[Betty Hermelee]

Our family is very supportive and yes she published a book based on her senior thesis at Yale University
She writes a lot when she is manic and posts a lot on social media. Thanks again for sharing your story, it means a lot Alan. Best always,
Betty

[Betty Hermelee]

Please share your writing, it’s probably wonderful and creative!

[Samuel Dickens]

This is one wild ride, my friend, and I clung to the pendulum as it swung from one extreme to the other, and then in between. I sure don't have the answers, but the problems are familiar. Aren't there books on the creative process? It seems I may have read one or two long ago. (Last century)
We share an interest in this great mystery--how and why we soar high in the sky one minute, then lie in the dirt the next. At various times in my life, I have been both smart guy and fool, wise, then idiot. Saint, then devil. Confident and organized, then a shattered mess. Happy and loving life, then drowning in despair. Perhaps these are characteristics of the creative? I'll bet Van Gogh might have kept his ear if he'd had a bit of that lithium.

[alanwgraham]

Thanks Sam. Thank God we are all different and I think the more we talk about our ups and downs the more we find we have in common. I hope you are keeping well in these troubled times.
All the best.
Alan

[Neville]

You give a fascinating insight into the way thoughts are manufactured on autopilot when one is flying ... literally .. clang association, knights move thinking pressure of speech & flight of ideation are but a few of the clinical signs you have described ... it will come as no great surprise to many that during a hypomanic phase or episode the implicated individual can and often does become hypercreative too indeed I reckon many of the great works of art, literature and inventions even have come about as a result of such a hypomanic event ... I must also say here that I greatly admire the way you write about your own personal experience Alan.............

Neville

[alanwgraham]

Many thanks for your kind and perceptive review. I hadn't heard these terms but they are spot on. I have always been a lateral thinker
going way back before I was diagnosed with bipolar. I hope you manage to navigate your way through Christmas and make the most of it.
All the best,
Alan

[Neville]

... and a whopping big back at you & yours too Alan

Neville

[Lorry]

Well Alan, although I only write for fun, some of what you say does resonate, especially the sleep thing. To this day I prefer to wake at 2am, sit at my kitchen window, with coffee, pen and paper and it amazes me that sometimes something just falls out of me without being aware of thinking it. Sometimes a word or phrase I've never used has to be checked and turns out to be surprisingly correct. But about 5 years ago I also realised that it can happen when distracted by tiredness too. I even remember the poem, a 26 line acrostic on the meaning of life I calledtheabc of life, where each line began with the next letter of the alphabet. I was amazed to see it come out at the sped of writing it Al down and couldn't comprehend it making sense.
I put it down and left it for a few days, then checked it again and I am still surprised by it.
My head wasn't in the best place at the time and I would have been in a depressive state through work/ life balance and caring for parent with dementia, but not one word of it was negative and I think it helped lift my feet out from the mud and gave my mind some much needed rest.
I've also been fascinated by numbers and patterns all my life and perhapsalittleocd about calculating things. It's like a programme running in the background of my brain all the time.... Until the brain fog that came with lock down. Now my head is finally quiet, I might just be one of a very few that is grateful for it, although moving from city and office life was getting me there anyway. It certainly helped though.
Whatever caused or affected it, I am grateful and think its made me a better person for it.
Writing so personally is never easy, but I'm glad you did, as it gives insight into who we are and whether others are same/ similar. The honestly raw account is so refreshing to see in others, in a world where perfection is pretended, photographed and shared on social media, in place of a personality.

[alanwgraham]

Ta for sharing all that Lorry. To be honest it's not a great surprise that ideas pop into your head. Also that sleep is implicated in generating ideas as it's a time when our conscious and unconscious collide. It can be incredible when we read these automatic writes as they have come unbidden. I've found that I feel bereft when this source dries up.
All the best.
Alan

[Coyote Poetry]

I write poetry in my dreams. Mainly stories. I believe, best way to learn a language. Live in the country of the language. I learn German in three month, able to speak. Classes and using, allow the mind to grasp. We use a small part of our brain. The brain had no limit, except us. I enjoyed your thoughts my friend. I hope you are doing well. Have some fun and be safe.
Coyote

[alanwgraham]

Thanks Coyote. I think you are correct to say we only use a small part of our brains. Also our sleep and dreams are more important than we realise. I hope you enjoy Christmas.
Take care.
Alan

[Coyote Poetry]

Hello my friend and you are welcome. A long time ago. I did the peyote in a smoke house with a Apache friend. I wrote a 200 page book in three days. The book is still waiting for a edit.

[Chris Shaw]

Isn't life strange Alan? So much we have no knowledge or understanding about. Thanking you for sharing such an interesting account of your brain and how it works. An entertaining read.

Chris

[alanwgraham]

Thanks Chris. We are stuck in our own wee heads but hopefully we can find others on the same wavelength.
All the best.
Alan

[Chris Shaw]

And to you too Alan. Keep safe and well.