Procrastination

How we all put things off - it may turn out to be too late!

Procrastination

28^th May 2020

We are all sunk deep in the corona lock-down - it’s perhaps a crown, but for most, a crown of thorns! Time to rejoice though, tomorrow is the end of lockdown, although as someone once said - 'it's not over till the fat lady sings.'

For many lock-down must feel like trying to flee a field of rapidly setting cement - there seems no escape. Stranded in small flats in tower blocks, furloughed or laid off from work (we didn’t even know that 'f' word an endless few months ago!), short of money, kids home from school, fractious and squabbling.

For others, mainly fit and active pensioners, apart from the awful penance of not seeing friends and family, the lock-down can almost seem like a ‘stay-cation’ (revolting word I hear you thinking!).

My wife and I are both retired. I’ve been retired from teaching for years with a health issue - bipolar (that’s another big story!), but Mandy retired from her charity work just a matter of weeks before this ‘corona-fest’ pandemic kicked off. Just before the virus weaseled (or maybe 'pangolin-ed') its way into its unwitting human hosts we were fortunate to enjoy two weeks in southern Spain with a brilliant day trip to Tangier in Morocco. We returned to Scotland on March 2^nd with rumblings of corona thunder behind and also ahead of us (no - we didn’t bring the virus back with us!)

To pass the time I decided to work on some of these ‘projects’ that seem to be a worthwhile idea but tackle too many and they can turn out to be millstones. One of the things I’d been working on for a while was to complete a written family history. Put off recording your family histories too long and you end up with the oft repeated common regret - ‘I wish I’d asked mum or dad before they passed away!’

My father died in 2000 but my mother is still going strong at 93. She has already put together a written account of my father’s musical career but unfortunately she has macular degeneration which makes it almost impossible to identify the unlabelled characters that are in the family photo albums. She had also been diagnosed with vascular dementia. Luckily her long term memory is amazingly sharp and she can remember minute detail from before the war.

My normal daily routine during the ‘lock-down', blessed by brilliant weather, has been to spend the morning in the garden; tending my vegetables, chopping wood for our stove, elevenses, then some music/reading/surfing/puzzles etc.

In the afternoons Mandy and I spend a few hours having a local bike run or walk together. I enjoy taking a set of photos and later putting them on Facebook - they’ve  had quite a few compliments!  Every few days I do a solo, more energetic, bike ride to the nearest hill and run up and down a thousand feet. (lunacy most think, but it’s harmless fun and gives you a free and legal buzz!)

I think you are getting the gist of this by now. Time seems limitless but has a funny habit of slipping through your toes like the sands (of time?) on the beach. In the evening if we are not doing  Facetime with our family  I dig out the family trees, photo albums, written stuff and try to edge the family story forward on my laptop.  In my dreams this will be my magnum opus  - ‘Decline and fall (or the irresistible rise?) of the Graham family’ in twelve volumes.’

After about three months I’ve only got to page fifteen of volume 1 and I blame it on lack of source material but the real problem is lack of drive.

Tonight we have reached the 26^th of May 2020. Outside a fine evening is slipping towards another magnificent sunset, I have a mug of ground Kenyan coffee to hand, Chopin is playing preludes on the laptop and I’m pondering what to do next.

I’ve got to the stage of describing my mother and fathers early marriage together. This is the bit of the story that I have some first-hand eyewitness knowledge of and I can phone my mum and clear up any details. Of course I realise, that at 93, ‘tempis fugit,’ and that slippery, ambiguous adversary of human ambition is not on our side and …. and … well, you know what I mean! Then of course, there’s also ‘My Story’ to share but that’s a future project. Another self imposed millstone!

I open the disintegrating photo album, pick and pull out a photo. There is nothing marked on the back.  In the photo album there are five or six pages of young men all in military uniforms of the first war, all studio pictures. I wondered why they seem out of sequence - between photos of my mother and her family in 1940 and then 1944. It just occurs to me, perhaps they arrived in the family when a grandfather passed away. This might fit - I check the family tree and see mum’s grandfather who fought in the first war passed away in 1941.

Who is this man in the photo? He is quite young, probably in his early twenties. It is a monochrome photo and he is wearing a rough uniform with two large breast pockets and well-polished, silver buttons. He has three stripes on his arm so he is a sergeant and must have been in the army a few years. But then I think that with the casualties rates at the front, promotion could have been rapid - ‘dead men’s shoes'. He may only be in his early twenties. His hair is short, his face is open and honest, he looks well fed  and there is a faint smile on his face.

Then my mind wanders - we look in the mirror but who do we see? I often think that what we see is not how we feel inside. We smile for the photographer but what are we feeling? Inside each of us, there is an ocean deep and dark.

For some subconscious reason that I can’t quite grasp I take out my phone and take a selfie. I look at it and see that I’m wearing that orange T shirt decorated with the aboriginal art that my son brought back for me from Australia. I’m always surprised at how old I look when I feel so much younger. My forehead and thin nose are quite red from all the time spent in the sun.  My thinning hair is unkempt - we call them ‘corona haircuts.’ My face is quite lined and I normally take off my glasses for photos. My eyes are blue and I am smiling.

 Now, there is something quite weird, I surely know what I’m thinking - or do I? As for the hidden depths - no-one else knows what’s lurking but dare I look? I always feel a bit uneasy in relying on our ‘digital self’ as a record for posterity floating serene for ever in the ‘cloud’ so I print a copy and add it to our latest family album.

My attention returns to the photograph - what is this young lad thinking? Are there hidden depths? What lies ahead for him? Have I passed his children in the street, sat beside his grandchildren in the pub?  I look long at his face, trying to read his thoughts, trying to see some family resemblance, but my imagination fails.

I go back to the laptop and pick up the photograph - what to do with it? There’s something quite unsettling about this and I seem to fall into a state of bemusement. It’s been hard enough coping with all the photos that I can put names to and slot into the family tree.

Somehow he almost seems to be saying to me - ‘please don’t’ - but I take one last look at him and drop him into the bin. Gone forever!

 

 

14^th June 2117

‘Dad - my history teacher has given me a project to keep me busy for the summer holidays. He wants me to research our family history and write a report along with a family tree.’

‘That sounds worthwhile Joe. I’ve been meaning to do that for years but I always keep putting it off. I’ll look out all the family stuff we have - there are some old photo albums.  Of course most of it is on the cloud so you can pull it down. Some of it, going back to your grandparents, you’ll remember.’

Later I spread out the family tree on the table and started trying to match up the photos. Luckily some wise person had written names and dates on the reverse sides which made my task easier. Any that I couldn’t identify I put to one side.

One of the photos catches my attention. I pick it up and look at the elderly man but I don’t get any feeling of recognition. His hair is unkempt, thinning and looks self-cut. His blue eyes smile at me. The orange T-shirt he is wearing is casual and un-ironed. The pattern on it is quite intricate and I suddenly realise it’s an aboriginal art design from Australia. The mark on his nose tells me he wears these old spectacles people used to wear.

I look at him looking at me and we seem to communicate in some uncanny, almost mesmeric way. I break the spell and realise there no point hanging onto to anything we can’t identify. Just as I am about to throw it in the bin I realise there is some writing on the reverse.

Born 8^th June 1952     Died 29^th May 2020

Dad - come here! Look at this photo. I don't know who this guy is but look at that date on the back - we've just been studying the 2020 pandemic in school. The 29th of May was the date when the first lock down ended - little did they know!

I looked long at the photo, deep in thought then dropped the photograph into the waste-bin. A fleeting thought passed through my mind - to all intents, this man has ceased to exist!

 

Reviews

[Lorry]

This can't just be a Scottish thing Alan, although perhaps I am as guilty of it too.
My family albums have two intruders, unnamed souls put thereto annoy the hell out of me by some mischevious family member no doubt... But as I said, I'm guilty too.
When I used to go to the barras of a sunday, when staying in the west end og Glasgow, I usedto find stalls with loads of photographs and postcards. Most were 10p, but some just caught the eye and had a story all of their own, so nowI have hundreds of pre and post war pics of strangers who ended up in a suitcase and sold at market, no doubt after a death and house clearance.
I wonder what they would make of their new owner 😀
My family tree stopped at a few grumbled warnings not to go there, but I went. Most famous person in my heritage was a bloody hunger striker in Ireland on my mothers side. Not quite the fame some imagine when hunting your ancestors, is it?

[alanwgraham]

Thanks for taking the time to read this Lorry. I've been nudging this family history forward for a while now and the end is in sight. I'm stopping with with my mum and dad's story and then it's up to the weans. There's lots of interesting stuff for them to say. As was inevitable I've turned this into a bit of a tale. I find it interesting on WC (not the bog) how easy it or not it is to get to the real person. I'm afraid I give away quite a lot but often given between the lines in a story.
Coming out of lockdown - we don't even have the donkeys!
Cheers,
Alan

[Ken Simm.]

Several things struck me about my own life when I read this. The first is solitude and lonliness are two different things.
An ex teacher who also suffers from the Black thing, I find myself dreaming about teaching nearly every night. Usually about my bad classes in the early days.
You know . I also live in Scotland as you know and my surroundings are my family. Not having seen any of my birth family for quite a few years.
Finding things to do is not hard. I hobble, (I am awaiting two operations on my knees) to the studio and paint.
Now the layers or the story underneath the story. Family histories; these are precious things. My Uncle Othneil (I know but that was his name) bequeathed me his family tree. Composed primarily in the 1830's but added to since, it goes back to the Norman conquest and the land a certain Heltio (Another fine name) was given to the family by William the B*****d. This has fascinated me since I was a little boy.
All this prevarication leads me onto saying that this is a fantastic stroy. Written well and I found it to be very illuminating, empathic, and downright interesting. Well done fellow colleague

[alanwgraham]

From yourself I take your kind words very seriously. Our history is a large part of what makes us what we are. I've found that writing up our family history has been an emotional journey as you are made more aware of your own mortality. I too have these classroom dreams but thankfully not often. Your own family story sounds facinating. I like to puzzle out details like where did I inherit my bipolar from - maternal grandmother the prime suspect!
Hope you are flourishing during these interesting times.
Cheers,
Alan

[Annette Pisano-Higley]

Alan, your energy, resolve and story-telling skills are stellar! What an intriguing and wonderful share this is. Family histories are so very interesting to develop-putting the puzzle pieces all together-yes. The viewing of photographs and deciphering the set of the eyes, the expression of the face, the sepia-toned backdrop...My husband has done this with Ancestry.com and traced his family to the 1200s in England and Scotland-fascinating to me. My own family research goes back only to Ellis Island and is too circuitous to pursue. I loved this entire piece and the ending made me catch my breath. Thank you immensely for this detailed and incredible share.

[alanwgraham]

Thanks for your kind words Annette. Your own family history sounds amazing. Back to 1200 is incredible. You must have Royal blood! However a circuitous background sounds very intriguing. Dig the dirt!
I've been listening to Barack and Michelle's speeches - very impressive. I can barely stand to mention the unmentionable.
Good luck.
Alan

[emmajoy]

After reading your words..story.. details, history .. in all honesty I feel as if you and Mandy have just fed me a delicious feast! So, forgive me if i come back soon and read the above very slowly, a lot of it aloud. Like you,. have been putting together a family history for ages; the details i have in the loft and goodness knows where else in my small house, are so precious. They must be protested before time runs out.. Will be back 0 and soon. Must admit now I'm calmer that i gulped and teared up at the words 2020,

[alanwgraham]

Thanks you for your very thoughtful words Emma and for picking up on the date. Is it some psychological survival mechanism that makes us think life stretches ahead? I do feel that a burden has been removed now that I've finished the family history and preserved us for posterity. Next job is my own story! We have another grandson due in a few days so that is great motivation.
Take care.
Alan

[emmajoy]

Was so intrigued in what you wrote about, the details went in quite a few different directions, makes for thoughts various. Will try to read your post over the weekend if i can but if not, very soon. Lovely news about a new grandson, even more reason to create a book of your family members and their experiences, the little lad will one day know what makes him him! Enjoy your weekend, keep safe and happy

[barleygirl]

For the first one-third of this story, it felt like you were scrambling to hone in on your thread, which was still interesting reading (I remember you were leaving for Spain back when I went underground to write a book), but I got the feeling you were working into your storyline by twirling five times & going backwards a little ways, followed by a frisky jig & then finally the dive! I actually don't mind this becuz you do it with such delightful transparency & a seemingly total lack of self-consciousness. I am not totally at ease portraying my daily reality of dealing with being physically disabled, so I admire how you ramble on without regard to how you're coming across, but seemingly more interested in fastidious record-keeping. It's no damn wonder you've only gotten to 12 pages in several months, if reading this is any indication of how many detours you must take along the way. When I write a book, my main dilemma is coming up with enuf material becuz my mind does NOT wander & I do NOT spontaneously think of extra s**t to say or write. I have to dig down & wander around to spark my mind into giving up its secrets. Living a solitary life, I do not share my every little thought with anyone EVER . . . so to see you spill each little treasure of your daily & weekly & monthly trajectory thru life . . . it's a purely amazing mystery to me. I love your picture & when I saw it, I thought, WOW! How good looking is he!??! So it's confounding to hear yourself describe this picture, often in the most derogatory ways. Personally, I don't give a rat's a*s about genealogy or ancestry or whatever, but I do get a kick out of people like yourself who can spend an hour on one old unrecognized photo. Before mom died, I separated all her photos into installments for each of her kids, fairly divided since I did not want any for myself (I'm totally digital - I scanned everything first). It was easy for me to sort this out quickly, giving each person a representative number of photos of the various life scenarios, like school pics, holiday pics, summer pics, blah-blah-blah. I'm a machine when I'm manic & that's why I can write a 350-pg book, perfectly manicured in 2 months. I love how different you are than me! (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[alanwgraham]

I always look forward to reading your reviews Margie because you say what you think without fear or favour. I suppose because I was trying to get over the idea of how we put things off I was turning the story in that direction. I must let you know that when I was writing my novel I managed 1000 words a day for three months! I'm not sure if you picked up my twist. In the present I'm procrastinating looking at my selfie. In the future my ancestor looks at my photo and sees that I passed away only a few days later. I know from your personal stuff that you are a great survivor and this must influence how you relate to family history. I'm looking forward to getting back to writing now and have got a few ideas swilling about. The big one is 'what happened in South Africa' when we visited my brother 3 years ago. I had a major manic adventure . Coming soon to a cinema near you! I hope you are keeping safe.
Alan

[barleygirl]

I did catch the switch to a different generation looking at your pic, but I missed the part where you're already deceased (since I didn't look at the dates carefully). I'm glad you're fully engaged with the writing, as am I . . . great escape from the fomenting crowds!

[Betty Hermelee]

Dearest Alan: To me this is a flashback of your life, beginning with the present COVID lock down and how you and your wife are dealing with this. Then it seems like time has passed and you are remembering through photos and thoughts who is who is your family photos. It's a pastime many of us do when we age. At the the end, you don't even recognize yourself, also common among us over ??? It's a lovely write and I hate to say that I have hundreds of photos under my bed that need to go into an album, but suffice it to say also, they might remain there for a while, as I enjoy writing poetry now more than thinking of or doing anything about these grand old photos of my family. Loved reading this!

[alanwgraham]

Many thanks for reading this and your kind comments. I'm sure all of us must feel the need to find our place in our family story. It makes us who we are! We end up with so many unanswered questions. Perhaps I just have too much time on my hands! I think these extraordinary times we are living through are forcing us to rethink many facets of our individual and collective lives.
Anyway Betty, live for the day!
All the best.
Alan

[Neville]

I just read through this very quickly and am trying to swallow the lump already forming in my throat... This is certainly very relatable Alan, I have a largish suitcase and a couple of boxes filled with old B&W, sepia toned and early colour photos dating back to goodness knows when.. I keep telling myself that I owe it to those whose images have been frozen in time, to do something appropriately respectful with them.. to place them neatly in albums and or scan them for future generations.... Then it dawns on me, many of them have not seen the light of day for several generations and bingo.. I got my excuse to defer what I imagine will eventually be a long and possibly more interesting job than I have so frequently imagined.... Okay, enough of that... I just read through these words far too quickly and in spite of that, I enjoyed them immensely .. so for that, I quickly thank you .. I shall return and take everyone of them in more fully and thank you again no doubt... That says nothing about my memory, that is just a fact... I also thank you for nudging me and my guilt button and promise that by the end of this lock down... the Pettitt household will have a brand new old library of photographic images to peruse and contemplate at leisure.... Stay safe up there now ya hear :)

[alanwgraham]

Thanks Neville. I'm afraid I'm enjoying myself too much with walks cycles and runs to get this done -the story of my life. Seriously I am getting near the end - of the family book that is! Last night I was a bit naughty but completely safe and spent a night atop our local hill - unsociable distancing of 1mile plus. I was rewarded with an incredible show of rare noctilucent clouds in the northern sky. (please Google Neville). Little sleep and back in bed by 5am. Still recovering but worth it . I think the big challenge in family history is realising your own life is worth recording. Get cracking!
All the best
Alan

[Neville]

I have googled as suggested and sit here in awe.. I am more than just a tad envious my friend having been to Iceland and not seen a thing...

All Good Things Alan & true :)

Neville

[Samuel Dickens]

Oh, those poor, nameless souls who're dropped in the waste-bin. You're braver or perhaps tougher than me, Alan, for I have no waste-bin. "Someday, someone might recognize them," I say to myself, and leave them in the box for future scrutiny.
My heart is warmed by your words about your mother. With her ripe age and long memory, I'm reminded of Father, who was much the same. Truly, you are blessed to still have her. (Dad passed in '99 at the age of 91)
My advice to preserve your identity for future generations is to write your name on the back of old-fashioned paper photos, and do it with a good ink pen, not a damned pencil!

[alanwgraham]

Thanks for your very full comments and for reading this Samuel . I do appreciate that my mum is still here and her long term memory good. The problem now is there are so many digital photos compared to the handful we had in our youth. I'll take your advice and label as many as I can.
Hope you are well.
Alan

[Beano]

Deceptive composition this, Alan. Starts off as an enjoyable recounting of life in the time of corona, and veers into a thoughtful piece on who we really were, or are, at any given time. What we chose to do, or not do, will have consequences on those we love, and those who are yet to be born. Thanks for making me think, and keep well!

Jamie.

[alanwgraham]

Thanks for reading this Jamie. That was my plan and I'm glad you got something from this. I am struggling on with the family stuff and there is now light at the end of the tunnel.
I gues you are either working or waiting to work and I know this must be a whole different ball game for you.
Take care,
Alan