Feeling Flat

An ordinary day turned out to be extraordinary!

Feeling flat

Life can be an adventure but normally days just roll along as expected with no big surprises. Occasionally there’s the other kind of day when just about anything can happen. For the sake of our sanity most of us don’t launch into the daily round expecting the unexpected. Not to put too fine a point on it if the unexpected became the expected the world would have turned ‘arse over tit’. Most of us take comfort in being creatures of habit.

Being retired and having time to fill I’m in the habit of having a bike run several days a week. The roads around our village are quiet and I’m a careful cyclist so my ride is normally uneventful. Five years ago I did have a mishap when I braked hard on mud and flew over the handlebars sustaining a dislocated elbow and a broken arm. I am definitely a more careful cyclist now!

This morning I planned to cycle from the house  along to the picturesque village of Falkland and then back by the forest trails. For the last two weeks workmen had been resurfacing the road through the village and they were now on the stage of laying the tar and then rolling it flat. I reckoned that I could pass the work safely by using the pavement.

Big mistake! My attention being taken with the road roller I didn’t notice the oil spill. More seriously still, the road roller driver didn’t notice me. Once again I flew over the handlebars and my landing this time in the soft tar felt quite pleasant. The feeling of the roller passing over reminded me a bit of when Aunty Bertha gave me one of her famous ‘bear’ hugs. Along with my breath being squeezed out all rational thought seemed to have left me and I lay there insensate.

Gradually I regained my senses and realised that only my lips, the tip of my nose and a tiny gap above my eyes protruded from the tar.  I could hear the muffled sound of the roller driver shouting, ‘who’s left that bloody bike there?’ Soon after the workers departed I was left to my own devices. I must add that my devices were somewhat limited. I fell asleep. I dreamed I had been pressed into a gigantic pancake in giant’s frying pan. The dream felt very real until I woke. Then I thought, ‘AT LEAST I COULD EAT MY WAY OUT OF THE PANCAKE!’ Laughing turned out to be not a good idea. Later I found out that I’d broken three ribs.

I saw three seagulls flying over. Then I thought, ‘what next?’ A dog came along and lifted its leg right over me. It tasted salty. The small child that I chastised regularly for kicking its ball in my garden stopped on the pavement. I summoned a cry and ‘it’ came over and knelt above my face. ‘What’s the matter Mr Nasty?’ it whispered in that familiar cheeky voice. ‘Why are you lying under the road?’

‘What do you think - I’m just having a little rest here. Please go and tell Mary where I am.’

‘Sorry Mister, I’m going to play with my friend and I’m staying with him all night.’

I dozed off again. This time I dreamt I was the driver of a road roller and that cheeky little tyke from next door tripped in front of my roller and I deliberately rolled him flat. I decided not to tell anyone.

Sometime later I became aware of Mary calling my name, ‘Alan, where are you?’ She must have seen my bike. Summoning all my energy I managed to squeeze out a feeble, ‘I’m here Mary’.

‘Oh my God, Alan - how are you feeling?’

‘To be honest, I’m feeling a bit flat, Mary, but I’d rather not ‘tarry’ here too long.’ When I realised the ludicrous thing I’d just said, I felt an uncontrollable spasm of laughter irrupting.  The tar enclosing me suddenly burst open. Mary managed to pull me out and we made our way home.

Bits of this tale are true. Life is unpredictable.

 

 

Reviews

[Lorry]

It would be a bland world indeed if we were all the same. Vanilla is nice, but not if everything tasted of it.
Luckily for us though, there is plenty of the bizarre to go round and life is never vanilla for too long.
Luckily, I have been blessed with an abundance of the bizarre and sometimes even miss that long distant taste of normalcy.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I must go feed my invisible penguins.
🤓

[alanwgraham]

Thanks Lorry. Every so often I manage to raise myself out of gloom and I either watch trump on YouTube or write nonsense like this. GLAD TO SEE YOU back here after that confusion. I recently got a message I'd been barred but then it worked the next day.
Cheers
Alan

[Cassie]

You and Mary must have a lot of laughter in the house, if you write like this, how do you speak? you must be a very funny human, I am enjoying reading you

[alanwgraham]

Hi Cassie, I call her Mary in the stories but her name is Mandy. This story started when I took my little grandson out to watch the men relaying the road and that gave me the idea. Just for fun!
Regards,
Alan

[roarke]

I've heard the UK isles are magical...I guess this proves it. Alan, I like how you grounded your story starting off with retirement and cycling and then morphed it into a fantasy fiction? piece. I agree, Life is unpredictable and those of us that can, should inform those who can't. Fun stuff.

[alanwgraham]

Thanks Roarke. There's no great message here. I'd taken my wee grandson to watch the roadroller earlier and I seemed to get into children's story mode.
Cheers.
Alan

[barleygirl]

This is a fun story, showing your ability to weave real-life into the highly imaginary. I was completely taken in by your humble begininnings, not even suspecting you might go off on another of your imaginative romps thru exaggerated shenanigans. This tale was particularly well-done becuz of how I really visualized this guy being slapped down by a layer of tar, plus I love your tarry corny humor here & there. Sometimes your overactive mind jams each story with a frenzy of detail, but this tale is more relaxed, meandering along, which is what makes it feel so natural to believe anything in tar-nation that spills from your pen! (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[alanwgraham]

Ta Margie. I had taken my wee grandson round to watch them laying the tar and rolling it. He was so excited. Perhaps I thought there was a children's story buried in the tar! I enjoy these as light relief from the meaning of life rubbish.
Hope you have plenty of wood chopped.
Take care.
Alan

[barleygirl]

In general, I've retreated from pondering the meaning of this wild planet ride & now I'm focused on pure nonsensical ramblings as I write. Nobody knows what I'm talking about, in my "country hick" dialect, so nobody argues with me. In the real world, there's too much strife to discuss anything, it seems! *wink! wink!*

[Annette Pisano-Higley]

Ouch! This is a heckuva tall tale Alan my friend. Love the personal narrative style, seamless transitions. Kept my attention from beginning to very strange end. Your postscript is hilarious too- which bits???!

[alanwgraham]

Thanks and apologies Annette. I discovered that my reviews had gone to spam. It was fun writing this and some light relief from my existential musings. True - I did fall off my bike and break my arm. A man has survived being rolled into tar by a roller.
Cheers.
Alan

[Chris Shaw]

Accident prone or what? I know that you said some of this happened but I am still laughing my head off at your misfortune. Very funny.

Chris

[alanwgraham]

Thanks Chris. I did go over my handlebars but into mud. We have had our road retarded (predic texting is hilarious!) And it got me thinking.
Too much of my writing is gloomy and life is too short.
Glad you enjoyed.
Alan

[Chris Shaw]

You are a funny man. Your response has humour in it too. Retarded roads, who would have thought :)) Very enjoyable read Alan.