Limb Eric?

Rotton rhymes

I once met a girl on a ship
she wore leathers and sported a whip
when I asked her the price
she said, 'it'll it be nice
for a thrashing and well worth a tip.'

Why do you swing on that limb Eric?
I think you're being rather dim Derek
This poem's quite slack
When the poet's called Jack
But I think it might be a limerick

There's one thing for which I give thanks
That my name is Armitage Shanks
When you go for piss
Just try not to miss
And I'll laugh all the way to the banks

(Armitage Shanks makes most British loos)

I once met a Martian called Jock
And boy could that odd fellow talk
It was all quite absurd
Understood not a word
So I told him to go for walk

I'll admit to the size of my nose
MY proboscis in reach of my toes
But I'll have to admit
That I might have a fit
If I find that the bloody thing grows!

I once met a girl from Morroco
Impressed by the size of my 'sock'. Oh,
spare me your blushes
I'm getting hot flushes
I'll pretend that I'm licking a Choco.

I love to take holidays in Spain
but the spaniels can be such a pain
I just lie on the beach
my plonk within reach
and the rain damn well fell on the plain

Between dawn and dusk lies the day
But night's when I like making hay
I'm always in hope
Of having a grope
Or considerably more, I must say

My wife's run away
not much more i can say
I'll just raise a cheer
crack open the beer
Invite in my mistress to stay

I thought I would give him a fright
And leave him alone for one night
He'll come crawling back
And plead to change tack
When he reckons the size of his plight

At this point I'm lying in the tub
With this limerick approaching the nub
When my damn tablet fell
To a watery ..splash
bubble .. bubble .. bubble ...

Reviews

[barleygirl]

This is killer! I love limericks, but you've taken them to the moon & back! I'm admiring how you balance the simplicity needed to convey a bitesize message per stanza, but still infused with your deliciously complicated way of imagining things. These are some of the best limericks I've ever read. Your explanatory parenthetical is perfectly added for clarity. Hope your holiday season is starting off with good health & lots of love (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[alanwgraham]

There's a girl from california, my muse
that I'm trying hard not to confuse
with a dastardly rhyme
that sounds rather fine
after far too much time on the booze

Thanks Margie, the only thing I can say is you're easily pleased! The only problem is that I can't go for a pee now without saying the limerick!
Hope all is well and very pleased Donald has had his 'gas put on a peep' or 'his coat's now on a shoogly peg.' You might guess these Scots sayings in the context.
All the best,
Alan

[barleygirl]

It'll be good to drown the leech in investigations, starting January when liberals are in control, but I can't wait for the public to see the Mueller report which should drop in coming months & maybe we won't even need to investigate his "minor" transgressions when we find out what's REALLY behind his subservience to dictators! *wink! wink!*

[Laura Kate]

This is so light-hearted and clever, I enjoyed each and every verse!

[John Alexander McFadyen]

Well if I needed cheering up this piece really did the trick. I read through enjoying each verse but really cracked up. Verse one was good and verse nine simply had me in stitches! typo me thinks in one:
'That my name is NOT Armitage Shanks'?

[alanwgraham]

Thanks John. These are light relief from serious writing. No - I was writing the toilet one as Shanks himself.
Cheers.
Alan

[John Alexander McFadyen]

Ah ok got it now on a second read! toilet humor at its best!

[Annette Pisano-Higley]

OH MY!, these limericks are very John Lennon-esque limericks in their quirkiness dear Alan! Accompanied by line drawings of course? Amazing how imagination runs away with us to wondrous places. Humorous language and a jaunty cadence and rhyme delights us throughout. You just have to smile:))) Each separate comical verse somehow relates to the next- or am I muddled- or both?! Risque, hilarious, and hope the last verse wasn’t true!-ha! Cheers!

[alanwgraham]

Thanks Annette. These rhymes are a bit of a holiday from 'real writing' but my wife thinks (writely) that I'm getting a bit too high.
All the best.
Alan

[Kent Rawski]

I liked the armitage shank part the best thank you for the much informed part. that's humor to start a potty (party) if my English inflection is correct

[alanwgraham]

Thanks Ken for reading. find these limericks quite easy and saves me trying the hard poetry. I can't go for a piss now without laughing!
Cheers,
Alan

[Kent Rawski]

Lol you crazy

[Ted Kniffen]

Right off the bat, Alan, the title is a lovely play on words. I like limericks...reading them...don't think I could write one to save my soul.
This grouping...save the odd grammar thing and missing a's...are great. I laughed all the way to the bottom.

A right fine write.

[alanwgraham]

Your words Ted, are really quite kind
For the rhymes can be quite hard to find
The best ones are rude
Not much use for a prude
For it takes a perverted mind.

[Ted Kniffen]

That it does, Alan, that it does. I qualify for sure.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

a very fun limerick...lots of ingredients in this poetic stew.
lots of smiles...and the last stanza...there are so many times i would like to drop my poems into the tub and let the ink or typeset just wash away...
almost could start a limerick with that idea...thanks, alan.
you are clever.
j.

[alanwgraham]

Thanks Jacob. I discovered that rhyming is actually a symptom of my bipolar. When I start to rhyme my wife knows to get worried! Believe it or not I fell asleep in the bath before my wedding and the speech I was practicing fell in.
Cheers.
Alan

[S.zaynab.kamoonpury]

Wow this is fantastic! ESP enjoyed the1st stanza , the Martian and the morocco one lol. Kudos for the poetic entertainment. Hope u get some from mine too.


Plz Pleez do comment/review my newest poem too

[alanwgraham]

Thanks Zaynab. I do have fun writing these!
I willreadyour poem!
Alan

[Gee]

There was a wee fella from Fife
writing poems, stories 'bout life
when asked as to why
he said with a sigh
" either this or talk to the wife"

Happy New Year Alan :))

[alanwgraham]

Oh gee, thanks Gee! You've hit the nail on the head. She's got all the secrets or so she thinks.
read moreOh gee, thanks Gee! You've hit the nail on the head. She's got all the secrets or so she thinks.
Cheers, Alan

[likesgreeneggsandham]

I thoroughly enjoyed this! Excellent piece of writing

[alanwgraham]

Thanks. These are some iight relief from the serious stuff!
All the best.
Alan

[Jade]

A long write, but really enjoyed this. Love the limericks, awesome writing

[alanwgraham]

Thanks Brandie. Limerick writing is just some light relief from the serious stuff.
Happy New year.
Alan

[Jade]

you too, I could never write a limerick so kudos to you