When Dave met Rab

A comic take on the meeting of two famous historic figures!

When Dave Met Rab

  

I first bumped into Dave in the town car park; or more precisely, our cars bumped into each other. There wasn’t really much debate about what had happened because I had just parked my ancient Hillman Imp when Dave reversed his over-large executive limo into the over-small non-executive parking bay. Still strapped in, but without the benefit of a headrest, my head suffered a shunty heft from the hefty shunt. The noise of crumpling metal and breaking glass was definitely not sweet music to my lugs.

‘Oh f***!’ I uttered a wholly characteristic oath, opened the door, waited a few seconds to massage my neck and gather my wits, and then stepped out to confront the culprit.

‘I think I know you,’ I thought, as I confronted the florid, slightly podgy faced middle aged man who was standing uncertainly, examining what damage he had wrought. He certainly wasn’t your usual tired and aging visitor to the tired and aging Kingdom shopping centre. I was good at sussing people out quickly - perhaps a lawyer, perhaps an investment banker, perhaps a senior civil servant from Edinburgh; English possibly, Scots upper class/ Fettes /Oxbridge maybe!

‘I’m awfully sorry sir (faux servility!) - I don’t drive myself often since I became ... ehm, even my ‘driver’ doesn’t normally have to ‘do’ parking bays. Are you alright?’

‘I think I’ll live! Maybe a smaller car might make parking easier for you - when your ‘drivers’ busy. My name is Rab, by the way, or Robert to the taxman, or Rabbie in the Ring o’ Stanes, my local drinking den. And you?’

‘I’m Dave - hello Robert.’ Dave proffered his hand. We shook. His grip was a well practiced firm but underlying flabby.

‘Dave, I think we better exchange our details for the insurance.’

‘Details?’ I almost felt pity at the look of panic clouding Dave’s face.

‘You ken - name, address, insurance company.’       (ken-know)

‘No, no - it’s not Ken; it’s Dave!  Look here, Robert, can we keep this matter to ourselves?  I can settle here and now with you. How much do … damn, I forgot, I don’t carry money.’

Reluctantly, Dave found his details in the car and handed them over. He looked sheepish.

I looked quickly through the insurance form and when I saw the name and address I had to read it again just to make sure. No mistake. I smelt mischief, I had the bugger by his short and, oh so blue, curlies. I decided to wind him up a bit first.  As often happens, a few passers-by had gathered in the hope of a punch up.

‘Well, Dave - I’ll just read these details out loud to these ‘witnesses’ to check I’ve got them right.

‘No, No!’ He whispered in panic. ‘Can we sort this out without a fuss?’

‘OK then pal, you and I are going for a wee walk through the centre and you’ll see the real world for once. Two hours and then we’ll call your ‘men’. Maybe you’d better put these shades on.

Dave looked confused then it dawned on him. ‘Oh yes, maybe a good idea!’

‘Come on friend - this way!’  I led Dave past the litter strewn, ugly concrete exterior of the Glenburn shopping centre. We passed the outside row of shops dating from the early history of this concrete abortion - a tanning centre, a betting shop, two charity shops, and a baker’s. ‘Look at these on the other side Dave - empty! The department store has departed and the bowling alley had been bowled over!  Just up this ‘stairway to heaven’ now and we’re in.’ Dave gave a weak laugh.

 

‘We’ll sit here Dave and just keep our eyes open.’    

‘I feel a tad stupid sitting beside these two plastic figures.’

Dave commented on the life-sized, elderly couple sharing

the bench with us.

‘It’s art, Dave!  Would you like a selfie?’ I joked.

‘Good God no!’ Dave had the good grace to take it in good humour.

‘Maybe they could cast you Dave, and you could sit here with the auld couple. 

‘Very funny Robert - I don’t think I’d last too long!’

We sat in silence for a period just watching people going about their business.

‘By the way Dave, what are you actually doing here?’

‘I was on my way to see my old pal Nigel - he lives on one of the local estates. We went up from Eton together.’ 

‘Which estate is he on Dave - Auchmuty, Woodside - you know, the old council estates.’ Dave didn’t seem to realise I was winding him up.

Dave looked puzzled then realised - ‘I mean the Earl of Dundee’s estate!’

‘That doesn’t make him any better than these folk here Dave - remember that the rank is but the guinea’s stamp.(1)’

I could see Dave sitting with a misty eyed look of nostalgia and I gave him a quizzical look.

'I'm just remembering when Nigel and Boris and I were in the club.'

'In the club Dave - you mean the Glenburn CISWO? You know pie and pints and a classy singer.'  (coal industry  social welfare organisation)

'No, no - the Bullingdon. Great fun Rabbie - bollinger by the bucket and a spot of trashing the odd restaurant!' 

A steady stream of people passed to and fro in front of us. It didn’t appear that many were in much hurry. Mothers glued to their mobiles with kids in pushchairs, the infirm elderly with their wheeled walkers, a few extremely large folk in mobility scooters. Many looked unhealthily overweight. The big advantage of the shopping centre was that it was a bright and warm haven in all weathers.

‘Let’s take a walk Dave.’ We strolled down looking at the units. There were several of the ubiquitous Glutt’s, take away bakers. Although it was only 11am there were plenty of people standing around eating pies. We also passed bookies, lots of charity shops, lots of empty shop units, phone shops, sweety shops, pound shops, E-cig shops, travel agents. We passed a stall with half a dozen workers of Chinese origin wearing face marks and busy buffing away and painting nails. Another stall further along had two Asian ladies waxing eyebrows. A young lad had a stand with all manner of phone accessories. But of real food for body or mind - fruit and veg shops, or booksellers, not a pip or a paragraph!

‘Guid isn’t it Dave - remind you of Oxford Street?’ Dave had the good grace to shake his head.

‘Well you’re the man of the moment Dave - what have you to say to these folk?’

‘I know things are tough for them at the present Robert but we all have to play our bit. After all we are in it together.’

‘In it together - what the f*** are you talking about Dave, there’s not much sign of the bankers or the city slickers sharing their bonuses or nipping out to Glutt’s for their sausage roll and Irn Bru.’ 

(Irn Bru-a refreshing and nutritious Scottish drink)

‘We may not like it but if we didn’t pay them the going rate they’d be gone.’

‘And most would say a good riddance - such a parcel of rogues in a nation! (2)’

‘That very poetic Robert - you don’t fancy a job as my speech writer, do you? And by the way what on earth is Irn Bru?’ I could only laugh! ‘Oh it’s a bit like that Bollinger you lot drink.’

(Bollinger - a refreshing and nutricious toffs drink.)

‘Have you noticed how unhealthy these people are David?’

‘That’s why our health service is struggling. People need to take more responsibility for their life choices.’

‘Choice - that’s a joke. Their jobs are gone or they’re on part time. They struggle to find decent housing and their benefits are being cut - it’s no just the wee mousie that’s made homeless by the cruel coulter (3) (ploughshare) of housing policy.’

‘Well Dave - I think it’s time we went our own ways now. What do you think your wee look at the ordinary folk o’ this land has taught you?’

‘It’s given me an idea Robert - we could all help each other by volunteering for all the things that the welfare state can’t do. We could call it ‘The Big Society.’

‘You’ve disappointed me Dave - I can tell you now, your Big Society will last about as long as the smoke frae Big Jock’s E-cig. It’s all about saving money and sounding good to the voters.’

‘What do you think about my idea on how we, all of us, should live together. Do you think it will stand the test o’ time? Come to think of it, maybe it has!

    Then let us pray that come it may ...
    That Man to Man, the world o’er,
    Shall brothers be for a’ that.

 

‘Well David - I’ve given you a few thoughts tae mull over. Perhaps it’s time we parted - ‘ae fond kiss and then we sever!’ Well maybe nae the kiss but - here’s a hand, my trusty friend and gie’s a hand o’ thine.  But we’ll tak’ a right gude-willie waucht doon at the nappie first.

Dave looked perplexed.  ‘Gude-willie waucht doon at the nappie?’

I laughed. ‘A good drink down at the pub David - don’t forget you’re in another nation up here - you know - ‘Scots wha hae!’

Just at that moment I felt small feminine hands cover my eyes and a lingering kiss on my cheek. I felt myself ‘rising to the occasion’! A soft voice whispered in my ear. ‘My man’s out this afternoon, come back with me Rabbie and you can show me your .. your love poem.’ 

‘I will Eliza " I will, and I have an extra verse tae show you!’  The hands were removed and I was rewarded with a violent slap on my face. Woops - ‘oh, Nancy my darling!

‘You double dealing b*****d! Show her your love poem indeed!

Just then a screech came from the ‘Mocha Muffin’ coffee shop and I looked past Nancy to see Mary standing glowering at us. When Nancy raised her hand again Mary stepped forward and grabbed her sleeve.

‘Don’t you dare hit my man - you trollop.’ Things were going from bad to worse and then I felt a hand fondle my left buttock.

‘Come on Rabbie, you come awa’ wi’ me. You ken that your Jeannie will tak gude care o’ you.’ I turned to Jeannie. ‘Guid timing Jeannie!’ I laughed. Then a’ went muffin shaped - Nancy and Mary spotted the position of Jeannie hand, both grabbed her and all three fell onto the floor clawing and kicking. A crowd gathered. Dave looked on in alarm.

‘Ae fareweel Dave - I’m awa, afore the gathering storm!’ I waved and took off towards the distant exit. The three girls disentangled, and realising I was the common enemy, set off in howling pursuit.

‘Catch the b*****d!’ resounded behind.

So Rabbie runs, the ‘witches’ follow.

The witches were gaining, so I elbowed big Jock off his mobility scooter and leapt aboard. I had a second for a wry laugh when I saw he had customised it with the name ‘Meg.’ By this time the shoppers had formed a clapping, cheering funnel (a la Tour de France) with the men shouting for me, ‘go Rabbie’ and the women rooting for the witches, ‘get the b*****d’.

With my long coat flowing behind the scooter the exit was drawing nigh but the three witches were drawing ‘nigher'. Suddenly I was there, the girls inches behind, hands outstretched, clutching. I veered for the automatic door, it slid open. With the tug of six hands on the back o’ my coat I was starting to get pulled back when the door slid shut, catching the tail of my coat. Quick thinking Rabbie! I undid the buttons of my coat, leaving it and the three lasses fuming as I rode the scooter off towards the ‘Ring o’ Stanes’ " my favourite drinking establishment.

Imagine my surprise when I entered to the applaud o’ the regulars - news (texts) travels fast here. Willie behind the bar asked, wi’ a big grin, ‘the usual Rabbie? By the way, you’ve a visitor and he’s no frae round here!’

I turned, looked, and laughed - it was Dave, looking a bit incongruous with his shades. I shouted across to him.

‘You can tell me all about life in number ten and I’ll get you thinking straight!’

‘I have been thinking Rabbie - we’ll have a referendum!’

I put my head in my hands, sighed deeply, and thought, ‘ye ca’ that thinking!

I’ll just stick wi’ being the National Bard!'

 

David Cameron  -    Born in London to wealthy upper middle class parents. Educated at Eton College and Oxford. Prime minister of the UK from May 2010 to July 2016. In 2016, to fulfil a manifesto pledge, he introduced a referendum on the UK’s continuing membership of the EU. The vote was to leave the EU which also eventually led to the break up of the UK.

 

Robert Burns (25 January 1759 - 21 July 1796) - Scotland’s revered songwriter and poet. Born in Ayrshire, the son of a ploughman. He was a man of great intellect and considered a pioneer of the Romantic movement. Many of the early founders of socialism and liberalism found inspiration in his works. Considered the national poet of Scotland, he is celebrated around the world every year on Burns Night, January 25.

Note:   Rabbies ‘escape’ here is inspired by Burns’s epic poem Tam O’ Shanter when Tam is escaping from the pursuing witches on his horse Meg. As he crosses the bridge over the river the witches are only able to grab Meg’s tail.

Notes - the poems of Robert Burns

1. A man's a man for a' that.

2. Such a parcel of rogues in a nation!

3. To a mouse.

 

Reviews

[barleygirl]

This is very fun & also good information on the vague things we hear (over here in the US) about your part of the world! *wink! wink!* I'm not sure I was putting everything together into a linear story, but that doesn't detract from how interested I was in reading & how I enjoyed many of your writing tricks. I like the way you share your culture with just the right amount of clarifying parentheticals & ending notes. So, besides having fun with this story, I learn a lot from your writing.

Now I know how some people might feel when reading my own "country-folk-speak" which I could probably do well to translate in a few places in my writing like you do.

The very best part is the ride on the mobility cart . . . hilarious & vivid & fun & imaginative. It's such an amazing leap to start off this story in such a serious way, then eventually getting to this hilarious chase. Your imagination & complexity is pretty singular in the world of writing, my friend! *wink! wink!* (((HUGS)))

[alanwgraham]

Thanks M - I'm relieved that you were able to find enough in this to make it worth your while. I know that there are lots of references here that probably only the Scots will get. I've visited this run down 'mall' (americanspeak) a lot and have often thought that it's a microcosm of what's wrong with modern society. Then I hit on the idea of our great (socialist) poet Robert Burns having a conversation with our recently departed prime minister David Cameron. I must say I'm pleased with the way its turned out. I'm glad you mentioned your 'country-speak' - the matter has occured to me when you have taken a 'wee' dig at my Scots words but we are exposed to lots of american culture!!!
Lang may yer lum reek! (google it!)
regards,
Alan

[barleygirl]

I love that line on two levels. First, since my cabin is heated by woodstove, I'm a happy camper when my woodpile is stoked. Secondly, being in Big Sur country, around here we definitely are happiest when we have something stony to "smoke" *heh! heh! heh!*

[barleygirl]

By the way . . . I wrote an essay "Remembering Trees" the other day & I did follow your example (inspired by reading you & your useful asides) by offering more explanation about things that are common to this area, so others outside this area can understand better. Thanks for being a good example of how to do this well.

[DTucker]

I enjoyed this story, made me reminisce about the year I spent in the U.K., fun read, very amusing!

[alanwgraham]

Thanks very much. This shopping centre is a depressing place I visit often and I had been mulling over for ages how to comment about it. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Cheers,
Alan

[Terry O'Leary]

A very interesting, amusing, unusual story.
An intriguing juxtposition of humor and social critique!!

I thoroughly enjoyed!

Terry

[alanwgraham]

Thanks Terry. I enjoyed writing it which must help. I think the humour took over a bit from the social comment but what the heck.
Cheers
Alan

[Ian Chris]

A really good read and I like how the story goes through so many different areas in Dave and Rabbie's conflict.

[alanwgraham]

Thanks for reading this ian. I did have fun writing this.
Cheers,
Alan