DOCTOR

a humorous take on a possible future of medical care

Doctor

 

‘Ladybank surgery here, can you give me your name please?’

‘This is Robert Brown. I’d like an appointment with the doctor, today if possible.’

‘Can I have your date of birth please?’

‘8/7/58.’

That’s fine Robert. Yes, we actually have a cancellation at 3.10pm. If you can give me some idea of your condition I’ll let the doctor know.’

‘Well, it’s a mole on my head that’s started to bleed. I’d like the doctor to check it.’

‘OK. I tell Dr Jones - we’ll see you at 3.10pm.’

 

3.10 pm

‘Come in Mr Brown and have a seat. Is it OK if I call you Robert?

‘Of course, Dr!’

‘Tell me, why you’ve come in today?’

‘It’s this mole on my head. It has started bleeding and I’m a bit worried. You know - skin cancer.’

‘Now Robert, before I look at the mole I should tell you that we are piloting some new diagnostic tools. They are quite technical and hard to explain but are completely harmless. I can use them to give you a general check over and they can also analyse the mole.

‘Will they hurt?’

(Chortles)-  ‘Not at all, Robert!’

‘Go ahead then Dr.’

‘Ok, they are very simple to use. First you clip this little device called a neural scanner to your earlobe. The bit sticking out is a small aerial. Then I would like you to swallow this small pill. It’s called a nanotab. Here’s a glass of water.

‘Cheers - down the hatch!’    (Robert laughs)

‘Oh, I didn’t realise you had to wear one of these new scanners as well Doctor.’

‘Yes, Robert, but it’s called a 'neural' scanner. It starts working when I press this button on the console. It only takes a few minutes.

‘Is it working now? Are you not going to ask me some questions?

‘There is no need with this system. Just sit quietly for a few minutes and then we can chat.’

 

Three minutes later -

‘Ok Robert, I think I have everything I need to know now. We’ll get the feedback from the nanotab in a few more minutes.’

‘While you’ve been sitting, Robert, your scanner has been transmitting your thoughts to me. I can see that you are not actually too worried about the mole but I have picked up that you don’t want me to ask you about your alcohol consumption. You were going to tell me a little - we’ll call it a fib - about your weekly number of units. Your two days off per week is actually two per year and your weekly consumption is actually closer to 60 units than 20.’

‘What!’

‘What’s worrying me more is the blood you’ve been finding in your stools - and waiting for two months is a bit worrying, to say the least. You’ve also been having pain passing urine haven’t you?  I can see that you have not been very careful with these escorts that you visit when you work away from home. But I’m actually more worried about your wife having picked up STD’s from you.’

'But I never ...'  Dr Jones shook his head in admonishment.

'Oh, Mr Brown you’re looking very pale. Are you going to faint?’

‘Do you want to hear the rest?’

‘Oh my God - I’ll pass on that! Can I go now?'

‘No, no - we just have the results from the nanotab coming in now.’

‘I can’t believe this - I only came with a mole.’

‘I think in this case we have made a mountain out of a mole - hill!’  (Dr Jones laughs while Roberts splutters.)

‘Right Robert - would you like the good news first?’ 

‘Go on then!’ 

(Laughs) … ‘I’m afraid there isn’t any!’

‘Ok, here goes. The nanotabs break down into thousands of minute machines designed to be carried round by your blood and a range of different nano’s can monitor the whole range of your bodily functions. It’s all done in around five minutes. The nanos transmit their readings to our receiver and the computer sends back diagnosis and treatment.’

‘Oh my God!’

‘I’ll just read it out now for you.

I’m afraid that you have advanced bowel cancer Robert. An appointment has been made at the Vic on Friday for your first course of chemotherapy.

You will go to the STD clinic next Tuesday for treatment. Your wife will be contacted tomorrow.

Next Thursday you will attend the alcoholics anonymous meeting in the health centre at 10 am.

‘Is that it?’

That’s the immediate stuff!  The nanos have also picked up a problem with your knee. We’ll make an appointment for a knee replacement in March.’

‘Bloody hell - any more!’

‘The only other thing is that you have early onset dementia - I’d like you to attend the clinic next month … if you remember!  Sorry Robert, just trying to lighten things up!’

‘And the mole, Doctor! (feebly!)’

‘Ah some good news - you don’t have skin cancer! I'll just pop out to make another appointment for you Robert and I’ll give you this survey to complete about how satisfied you were with our new system.'

 

Robert slumped back in his seat ashen faced.  It  gave him time to gather what wits he had left! While the doctor was out Robert glanced at the console on the doctor’s desk. Noticing a reverse transmission switch he reached out and, on impulse, flicked it. Dr Jones returned and sat back in his seat.

‘Have you recovered a bit from the shock Robert? I’m very sorry about all the bad news but I am a bit surprised to see you smiling, considering everything!’

‘I’m smiling at the news I’m about to give you Doctor! Would you like the good news first? Perhaps you might like to cancel that holiday you’ve arranged!’

‘What are you talking about?’  Then the awful truth dawned on Dr Jones - he glanced at the console and saw that the switch had been moved!  

 

Reviews

[barleygirl]

You've taken a mole and made it into a colossal mountain of laughter! I'm afraid this is not some futuristic take on medicine . . . your prophetic words actually make a perfect spoof on the current state of medicine. As I grow old (61) people my age nearly brag with glee as they tell about their long list of diagnoses! S**t, I don't even want to know about the minor stuff. If I'm still kickin', that's all I need to know about. I believe this obsession with testing in today's medical profession actually makes people into quivery whiney wimps who can't tough out the most minor health issues without getting a 14th and 15th prescription for some instant fix. You've got me started on a rant, which is why I am so damn admiring of your tongue-in-cheek style of making this hilarious instead of dreary as it really is! Your mind is sparking on the northern lights with this one! Yee-haw! Nothing better than funny mixed with witty! (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[alanwgraham]

Thanks Margie. I wrote this before all my ups and downs of the pppast year.

[alanwgraham]

Apologies for that nonsense. I was on the bus and got muddled. Thanks again. I showed this to my doc and he never replied - too close to the bone I think. Cheers. Alan

[barleygirl]

Nobody that's part of the medical establishment will be able to appreciate your brilliance here . . .

[Samuel Dickens]

Technology can be salvation one minute and a curse the next. For once, I'm glad to see the doctor sweat. A clever write, Alan.

[alanwgraham]

Thanks Samuel. You are right. I feel like I have just escaped from a year of various jabbing and proddings. They have done a good job though - eventually! Hope you are well and writing more great stories.
Regards,
ALAN

[Pete]

Alan, you've nailed it again. Your stories are so original and interesting. I really enjoyed this one. Just want to point out a couple of things though, things that might have easily slipped through the net as you typed the final draft. You say three minutes later. Then later on she says 'It's all done in about 15 minutes.

Also this sentence - 'It gave him time to him gather what wits he had left'. I think there's a superfluous 'Him' there. Hope this comes across as helpful rather than critical or pedantic. :-)

Pete

[alanwgraham]

Not at all Pete! Thanks very much - I will check these out. i ddi try this out on a coctor and she found it quite funny.
Regards,
Alan

[Woody]

very funny, Alan though also frightening at some level. tell you the truth, I don't think I'll accept to be thus diagnosed when and if such an invention hits the market.
nice unexpected ending, too.

[alanwgraham]

Thanks once again Woody! I did read recently that on line diagnosis was now much more reliable than visiting the doctor but going by some of the doctors I've seen that wouldn't be difficult. ( just writing that sentence has triggered ideas for a few more stories!)
Greeting from a sunny Scotland, Alan

[Woody]

do you happen to be in Aberdeen, by any chance?

[alanwgraham]

No, although I did my teacher training there and had a happy year in the granite city. I also met my wife there. We live further south in a small village called Kingskettle not far from st Andrews in Fife. Do I remember you mentioning that you spent some time in Aberdeen!
Regards, Alan

[Woody]

I did indeed. I taught French there for a year.

[Cyprian Van Dyke]

Interesting story held me through well. The conversations read so natural and had a variety of emotions. The idea of transmitting the patients thoughts was pretty cool and a major turning point in the story. Amazing!

[alanwgraham]

Thanks for reading this! It was just for fun but I think that many of us are not good at revealing our health worries. I will definately check out your work when i have time (soon!)
Regards, Alan

[Cyprian Van Dyke]

You're most welcome!
Yea, i think that's true!
Thank you!

[Cobblestone Traveler]

This was a delight to read! Very interesting to entertain the idea of something that could tell us everything wrong with us. It makes me wonder if we would truly benefit from that technology if we had it. It's a sliver the ol' "Would you want to know the day of your death" dilemma. This was fun and refreshing. Great job!

[alanwgraham]

Thanks for taking the time to review this. It was a bit of fun with a bit if



Thanks for taking the time to review this. It was a bit of fun but with a serious message.
Alan

[AUU]

I laughed. So call me entertained!

You never know what a doctor's visit will turn up. I'll have to remind myself never to take a nanotab. I'd rather be ignorant.

A few awkward sentences here and there, but nothing some editing/rewrites can't fix.

"Robert slumped back in his seat ashen faced. It would let him gather what wits he had left!"

What would let him gather his wits?

Try...

Robert gathered what wits he had left and slumped in his seat with an ashen face.

or

Ashen faced, Robert gathered what wits he had left and slumped in his seat.

A small comment about commas too. In dialogue when characters are addressing each other by name (or title) you offset the name (or title) with commas. You do this a few times, but don't all the time.

"Sorry, Robert, just trying to lighten things up."
"Have you recovered a bit from the shock, Robert?"

[alanwgraham]

Thanks so much for your very constructive comments.
I will have a good look at the story.
read moreThanks so much for your very constructive comments.
I will have a good look at the story.
Regards,
Alan

[AUU]

No problem. Love to read. Love people who like to write. Keep at it!