The Bus to Heaven or...

Alex takes an unexpected bus ride.

‘The Bus To Heaven or …..’

 

I had been waiting too damn long for the bus. Cursed by arthritis, everything ached as I perched on the metal ledge in the bus shelter. Suddenly the bus was there right in front of me, curving glass front, tinted windows hiding passengers, indicator pods like a giant insect’s antenna. The automatic door swung out and back and I could see the driver looking down at me expectantly. With my dodgy eyes I couldn’t even see the number but it didn’t look like my local bus. Supported by my stick I hobbled to the door.

‘Is this the bus to Buckhaven, driver?’ I shouted up over the engine noise.

‘Yup, this is the bus to heaven!’

‘What?’ I tweaked my hearing aid. ‘Is this the bus to BuckHAVEN?’

‘Yup, the bus to Heaven!’

‘Thank God!’

‘I’ll say AMEN to that friend!’

I struggled aboard and showed my bus pass.

‘Return to Buckhaven,’ driver.

‘There’s no returns on this bus, mate,’ the driver laughed.  ‘Here’s your single to Heaven. Find a seat.’ I took the ticket. I was confused, but life isn’t easy when your hearing’s not good.

 

I struggled down the passageway, past a few other passengers, and found an empty seat for the short ride down to Buckhaven. To my surprise a young man appeared beside me and asked if he could sit down. He proffered his hand.

‘I’m pleased to meet you, Sir.  My name is Gabriel and I will be your courier for the trip.

‘Courier?’

'First of all I have to check your name and date of birth. You’ll understand that we can’t afford to make any mistakes with the passengers - not on this bus!’ He laughed.

‘Date of birth? - I’m just away down to Buckhaven for a game of dominoes with Jock and Willie.'

Gabriel looked confused. ‘What is your name and birth date?’

‘Eck, I mean Alex Wilson, and I was born on D-Day - if you know when that was.’

Gabriel scrutinised the list on his clipboard.

‘Yes, Alex Wilson, 6^th June 1944. You’re definitely with us Alex. Just relax now, I'll be back later for a chat.’

 

Back later, I thought - the bus ride to Buckhaven only takes fifteen minutes! As I sat, I could hear Gabriel welcoming other passengers and checking their names. They were mainly older folk like me but I could also hear a young man, a mother with a baby in a push chair and a pair of teenage girls.

In no time Gabriel had returned to me.

‘Hi Alex - you don’t mind me using your first name do you?’

‘No - go ahead! But I’ll be getting off in few minutes. We must be nearly at Buckhaven.’

Gabriel looked confused, then it dawned on him, and he ticked the dementia box.

We just have a short questionnaire for you before arrival Alex. You must answer it truthfully and it will help us decide which ‘destination’ you have been allocated.

Here goes -

‘First question. Have you ever told a lie?’ 

‘How about white lies?’

‘I’ll put yes!’

Two. ‘Have you ever looked at other women?’

I gave him one of my looks. ‘You mean since I got married? Are you being serious?’

‘I’ll put yes.’

‘Have you even been glutinous?’

‘Don’t be daft - have you never had fish and chips after a few beers at the pub?

‘Another yes!’

‘Have you ever taken the name of the Lord your God in vain?’

‘For God's sake - what in Jesus name are you talking about?’

‘This isn’t looking good Alex. That’s definitely a yes.’

‘Do you keep the Sabbath day holy?’

‘Don’t be daft. I used to get time and a half on Sundays.’

‘A no, then!’

Gabriel continued through the check list.

I managed to get one no for 'have you committed murder?' and the one about coveting my neighbours ox confused me!  I did score a yes for coveting my neighbour’s wife’s a*s - or was it donkey?

That’s it Alex. It doesn’t look good for you I’m afraid!

I slumped back in my seat feeling a bit confused by it all. Anyway, in a few minutes I’ll be sitting with Jock and Willie with a pint of beer in my hand. But my reverie didn’t last long!

 

Another young man sat down beside me.

‘Good morning, Alex - I’m Bill, Bill Zee Bub! I believe you’ve just been through things with Gabriel. How did it go?’

‘God knows, but it passed the time before the dominoes.’

‘Don’t worry Alex, we’ll have time to fit in my questionnaire. I saw Gabriel shaking his head when he left you. I think you might be one of mine.’

‘One of yours?’

‘Let’s just do the questions - and no fibs!’ First - have you ever been unfaithful Alex?’

I hesitated for a second as I remembered that lads weekend in Blackpool.

‘So that’s a yes!’ Bill ticked his list.

‘I didn’t say anything!’  

‘You don’t have to - I know what you’re thinking.’

But I didn’t - I mean, we just talked.’

My next question was going to be do you ever tell lies - so that’s a yes too!’

‘Can you give me one good deed you’ve done Alex?’

‘Just one - that’s easy Bill!’ Suddenly my mind went blank.

‘Only  one - and only when you’re not asked.’ Still blank. Time passed. Still blank.

‘Can I come back to that one?’

‘I’ll make it a no!’

‘How about wrath?’

‘No way - I never lose my temper.’

‘What about that woman that ran into the back of your car?’

‘Oh yes, that effing b***h. I gave her a good thrashing.’

‘Another yes, I’m afraid.’

'You’ve passed with flying colours Alex - we don’t even have to waste time on any more questions. When we get off the bus join my group and I’ll make sure you go where you deserve.'

 

I was left on my own now. All this talk of lust, wrath and telling lies got me thinking. I hadn’t led a bad life, had I? I was just one of the lads wasn’t I? If we got pissed and messed about with the ladies we all did it - didn’t we? I did lose my temper from time to time but only with the wife and they need a thumping now and again to keep them in order, don’t they!  Doing good deeds - bollocks! Don’t get me started! These homeless scroungers - begging on the street and straight into the boozer! Benefit cheats - wouldn’t know what work was - and another thing, if they got off their backsides we wouldn’t have any of these bloody immigrants.

I dozed off then and woke up in darkness. I was confused. Was the bus in a tunnel? Was it night? I shouted - lights, driver!

There was no answer but suddenly a glimmer of light appeared ahead. It gradually became brighter until I had to shield my eyes.

The bus stopped. Gabriel stood by the door.

‘You’ll all be glad to know we’ve arrived. When you leave the bus join either Bill or myself. You’ve all been told which.

I hobbled off the bus and stood in Bill’s group. I must have got a bit confused when I fell asleep and thought I was on a holiday coach.

‘I hope it’s warm where we’re going Bill!’

He gave a devilish laugh!  ‘It’ll be warm Alex - don’t worry about that! It'll be roasting!’

 

 

Reviews

[barleygirl]

I love your imaginative allegory, albeit with a fair amount of small typos, still an easy & well-flowing read. Sometimes people get too carried away with long lists, but you made yours just the right length to avoid eyes glazing over. Each of the questions answered with clever statements or observations, made it all ring true with recognition of your tongue-in-cheek humor upon our last busride. I'm very impressed with the level of your imagination here.

[alanwgraham]

That's very kind of you ! I had mulled over this one for a while but once I got going it was fun. I must check it over. Thanks once again.
All the best. Alan.

[Duncan Brown]

Come come come come come come................

[alanwgraham]

Thank you once again. If I read into your words correctly you are a firm believer in the second coming, and the third etc etc
Regards
Alan

[Duncan Brown]

Was France love Mother..................

[Mari-Sweet]

Good story. Creepy ending. He hoped it was warm where he was going. He had no idea.

[alanwgraham]

Thanks Mari. I enjoyed writing this one and I suppose there is a moral to it.
Regards,
Alan

[Woody]

hahaha Beelzebub and Gabriel. love this one Graham. clever and funny. we're all going to take that bus one day, aren't we?
good one my friend. I enjoyed the read.

[alanwgraham]

Thanks again Woody. Its a bit of a relief to write something for fun after researching stuff like Hiroshima and Auchwitz for some writing projects. Variety is the spice of life!
Cheers,
Alan

[Lee Bakes]

As always your writing is a breeze to get through, refreshing, simple and engaging stuff. I like how you portrayed the characters, Gabriel and Bill with their checkboxes haha. More so, it felt like Alex was your everyday man and it makes you wonder whether living itself is enough to warrant committing sin. I shuddered as i read about the baby and teen twins, that crept up on the reader out of nowhere! Although for the checkbox on Sabbath, did you mean yes or no? (Im sorry I dont know the tradition but just clarifying). Also wife thumping apart, haha I like how Alex sounds like such an everyman, he actually reminds me of a friend, i think I will make him read this, he will be more than pleased to learn that he is hellbound tsk tsk, such people i tell you. But Alan thanks again for redirecting me to your piece!! It was a good comic read early in the morning.

Much Love
Lee

P.S. I kind of want to read a sequel to this!!

[alanwgraham]

Thanks Lee, This was just for a laugh! Being a scientist (evidence!) I don't believe in any of this stuff but i enjoyed writing it although real life got in the way when my neighbour died two days ago. He had a heart attack when he was riding his bike. These things always make you realise your own mortality! You were correct about the sabbath question - I had just assumed all the answers would be yes. Thanks!
I look forward to my next read of your excellent work.
Regards, Alan