Cat wars

A light hearted take on the feline-gardener relationship!

Coming to a cinema near you   …………………….

 

CAT WARS  (or a simple tale of village affairs, John’s unending war against the feline invaders)

 

John’s plot was tended night and day.

An Eden it became, they say.

No weed within, would long survive,

where every kind of flower would thrive.

 

But little did poor John surmise,

that soon would come a big surprise.

The struggle that would just commence,

could only end in violence.

 

One fateful day, in early June,

his only plan, to snip and prune.

Oh horrors!  Lying upon the sods,

he chanced to spot some feline tods.

 

Don’t panic John, it might just be,

some passing stray that had a pee.

But then he chanced to look around

and saw more mess upon the ground.

 

Look! There amongst the veg and fruit,

a cat gazed out, a clever brute.

John thought -  ‘I am a gentle chappie,

just bugger off and keep me happy.

 

Oh, what a nerve! The puss got busy,

the cheek of it made John quite dizzy.

No cat, of him, would make a chump,

John’s foot made contact with his rump.

 

‘This means war’, the p***y said.

That nasty man is better dead.

 We’ll teach him soon just who is boss,

 that horrid man they call John Ross.

 

Then, late one night John lay abed,

a wailing filled his heart with dread.

Gathered out upon the lawn,

a hundred cats to bother John

 

One winter’s night John had not slept.

Out to the potting shed he crept.

On the top shelf - if he could reach,

there rested a big tub of bleach.

 

It worked for slugs, the giant syringe.

The sight of it would make you cringe.

The question was, would cats succumb,

To bleach injected in their bum!

 

It might have worked. It could be bliss,

But like most plans his went amiss.

The night was dark, and John got lost.

He jabbed himself, much to his cost.

 

Back inside, John got a fright,

to find his hair, had turned quite white.

This means war, I do not jest.

These beasts must die before I rest.

 

Thought John, I know what cats prefer to eat,

what if I give them doctored meat?

I’ll lay some steaks upon the grass,

concealed within, some cans of gas.

 

A ginger tom thought, this looks yummy.

I’m sure that meat could fill my tummy,

 I’ll have a sniff, then take a munch,

 but this is when the can went crunch.

 

Ginge blew up just like a balloon,

The sight of it would make you swoon.

Our John  looked up with smile on face,

to see puss drifting into space.

 

Poor Gingers friends were most upset,

To see expire that charming pet.

That man is now beyond the pale.

To see him off we must not fail.

 

How did these p*****s meet their end?

To spill the beans, would much offend.

Suffice to say, it came, the crunch.

When John enjoyed his Christmas lunch!

 

Reviews

[Izzylee514]

Well done! In this story written in a rhyming format, you managed to accomplish great imagery and humor while keeping the writing lightheartedly and concise. This might be a bit deep for a story intended for a laugh as this one seems to be, but you managed to take a common problem and a frustrated character along with cats, and turn it into a piece of art fit for the writing mueseum.
I also enjoyed how you came up with ideas in the galaxy outside the box. I suppose there's more than one way to skin a cat...

[alanwgraham]

Thanks Izzylee. I did this ages ago when I only did occasional rhymes. Now it seems to be more short stories and free verse. Variety is good! The last verse came from my brother in africa where cats could be on the Christmas menu!
Good luck with your own writing.
Regards,
Alan

[Duncan Brown]

Jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz jizz.......................

[barleygirl]

I just finished Norm's poem with a similar persuasion, except it was canine poo in his case. I seem to be on a roll this morning, I just hope I don't roll in any! All kidding aside, this is a great poetic story with many unexpected twists & turns. Nice job entertaining & describing how frustrating it can be when some felines pick one's garden for the regular dumping spot! *tee! hee!*

[alanwgraham]

It's based on a friend of mine who did use a syringe loaded with bleach to defend his garden - but only on slugs! Thanks very much for your review. I'm just going out to run up a hill but I look forward to the second part of your story.
Regards,
Alan

[barleygirl]

I envy you the legs to run . . . (((HUGS)))

[Norman 223]

Regardless of any medical diagnosis, I thought this was darned funny. I write a lot of rhyming verse, but not though any compulsion. I just like the "discipline" of choosing language carefully and concisely. Anyway, how could I write my favourite limericks without rhyming?
Please don't give up the "fun" writing, Alan. There's so little of it around.

Cheers, Norman

[alanwgraham]

Thanks Norman, This was fun. Before i took up 'writing' this was the sort of thing i enjoyed doing!
All the best, Alan

[Mary]

Hilarious! and I have cats. Having them, I can chuckle with sympathy. This would make a fun song- with guitars and violin

[alanwgraham]

Thanks mary, Ido have a friend called John but he's only used it on slugs - or so he says! I will make a point of reading more of yours!
Alan

[forgotten_ghosts]

Very very funny. I love your humor! I would love to see a movie based upon this. I think you have a new project..
Best regards

[alanwgraham]

I wrote this one years ago when all i did was funny rhyming verse like this. To put all this into context I was diagosed with Bipolar disorder nearly twenty years ago. Until then I wrote rhyming verse like 'cat wars'. Then i discovered that rhyming verse can be a symptom of Bipolar. About two years ago I had a manic spell lasting a couple of weeks when I suddenly started writing free verse like my poems 'manicarus' 'Android' and 'Henry Moore -Shapeshifter' and they
just gushed out fully formed. A bit way out but I've kept the weird ones to myself. Since then i've been focussing on Short stories which seem to work well. The mind is a wonderful thing - I wouldn't recommend it but Bipolar has definitely released a creative urge.
All the best,
Alan

[Woody]

aah what a delightful read!! I love this hilarious story. I could see the events unfold with my mind's eye, such is the brilliant way you told it all. well done.

[alanwgraham]

Great - I value your reviews because I appreciate your own sense of humour! Believe it or not the idea came from my actual friend John who battled invaders in his garden and actually used a syringe to inject slugs with bleach - as far as i know he didn't progress to cats!
Thanks again!

[Woody]

haha real life can be inspirational.