Dad the clock's stopped!

how memories can be triggered

‘Dad - the clock’s stopped’

 

tick … tick … tick … tick

 

on my side

curled, foetal

warm,

sheet, two blankets, quilt

feet toasting

hot water bottle

grandma’s blue knitted cover

 

tick … tick … tick … tick

 

familiar furniture

dark shapes in the sliver of light

sneaking under the living room door

in the corner the glass fronted bookcase

with the pop up story books

 

 tick … tick … tick … tick

 

I can’t sleep

The ticking of Grandad’s old American wall clock

keeps me awake, conducting my thoughts

I try closing my eyes

I still can’t sleep

dad says - ‘you think too much!’

 

tick … tick … tick … tick

 

I know I’m not at home

smells are different

Grandad’s pipe, the coal tar soap

smoke from the coal fire,

smell of gas lights

muffled sound of grandma and grandad

playing rummy with mum and dad

radio on the home programme

murmuring in the background

 

tick … tick … tick … tick

 

beside me the even breath

of my brother easily asleep

my mind drifts

who will I be?

what will I do?

 

tick … tick … tick … tick …

 

the clock stops " I shout

‘dad the clock’s stopped!’

 

the room is warm, too warm

it’s hard to focus

did I fall asleep?

The clock ticks again - my heart beat?

murmuring voices

not making sense

back to my thoughts

our annual stay with grandma and grandad

I remember each detail

the tiny bathroom

the fold down sink over the bath

the coal cellar next to the tiny scullery

our daily trip to the baths

 

tick … tick … tick … tick  …  beep. beep. beep ……..

 

the clock has stopped

a shrill alarm sounds

familiar voices, panic, running feet

my son, my daughter, my wife

‘nurse! doctor!’, they shout

the monitor has stopped

my eyes, unblinking, still see

my ears still hear

‘he’s gone’ my son cries

‘I’m still here!’

my reply -  unspoken

‘don’t go!, don’t go!’ -  my wife’s voice

 

I see her face, blurring

feel her tears, wet my cheeks

feel a kiss

 

I’m desperately trying to hold on

there’s something I need to say

my fingers are slipping on the edge

as the darkness comes

I manage to get it out

but no-one hears

 

‘Dad - the clock’s stopped’

tussur

Reviews

[emmajoy]

It only needs a moment: a wafted touch, a near silent sigh, or.. something missing that should be there bold as brass, as near life's blood but absent. Silence echoes.. bounces through space or fall from a cold height when something occurs that.. is different, invisible yet.. Accepting that is neither gift nor punishment yet remains.. For what? A sadness with great meaning and - a myriad of memories for the writer..

[alanwgraham]

Great Emma, you've got it perfectly.
Take care,
Alan

[Clyde Grauke]

Very well done. The shifting of gears as the memories and reality of the on-going moment blend into and out of each other in a realistically appropriate and a clearly communicated manner showcase the quality of your craft.

This reminds me of my "A Step in Time" which is non-fiction and involved my trying to sleep when I had fallen and almost broken a rib.

[Shimmerbliss/CAF]

I got wonderfully lost in your description of the memories and loved the ticking of the clock throughout. The ending is brutal, but so true. One day the clock will stop for us all, as long as we can hear it ticking we must say what needs to be said and love.

[barleygirl]

First, I must commend you for selecting the ticking clock topic . . . my sister had a grandfather clock & on frequent visits, this is exactly how it felt at night, listening to the tick-tock-tick-tock. You've captured all the imagery & feelings that go thru the mind of the insomniac. Then your write sorta morphs into something different, someone's dying, & the drama is terminated with this funny reference back to the ticking clock. Very clever & unexpected! I can't imagine you writing a predictable anything.

[alanwgraham]

This is very kind of you - I do work hard on turning the story round to an unexpected conclusion. When I read this at my writing group they got a bit confused by what happened but I think being able to read it gives you that chance to go back. I'll look forward to having a look at more of your own work. Alan

[jacob erin-cilberto]

it stops, and yet it keeps ticking...we hold some memories as if time has captured them in some hour glass...and we keep flipping it over and starting again...

i really like this...and identify with the part of "thinking too much"
i tend to do that and often it keeps me lying awake at night...

really good piece...and flavorful with its humor and cadence.

[alifeacoustic]

Superb. As I was reading this, my own thoughts escaped me for a time to when I loved lazily falling asleep as a kid in front of the open fire, warmed by it's flames and hypnotically entranced by the sound of the old wall clock, slowly counting down the time until its ticks are no longer heard, but reassuring to know they continue as I doze...Then I re-read your piece after giving myself a shake and a slap to stop me falling into the clocks rhythm once more and was blown over that these were in fact a mans last thoughts, as he slipped into that cold goodnight. Brilliantly captured and well worth the entrance fee. :)

[Woody]

loved this one to bits, alan!!! I like your style a lot. brilliant idea. the ending's just perfect. great development till the final sucker punch.

[alanwgraham]

Thanks Woody. It has been great to get some independant reviews since I signed up for WC. When you are only getting comments from friends and family you are never quite sure!
I look forward to reading more of your writing
Cheers,
Alan

[Woody]

my sentiment exactly. my family and friends kept badgering me to put my writes out there to get honest feedback. it is gratifying to hear praise from native speakers. there are wonderful writers/poets on this site who've been generous with their reviews.

[Norman 223]

There is a growing tension in this poem, that implies that the narrator is an observer, but then reveals that he is the participent. Courageous writing with frightening impact., which I admired, but at my age didn't particularly appreciate.:-)

Norman

[alanwgraham]

Thanks for you very positive comments Norman. When i read this at my creative writing class they were a bit confused as the memories of my grandparents house were my own but the ended is obviously not 'me' as writing about your own parting is rather difficult. i hope it didn't upset you too much and you have many years of fruitful scribbling ahead!
regards,
Alan

[Norman 223]

Thanks for your concern, Alan, but it didn't upset me. Just to convince you, my latest contribution "Where there's a Will......" is now on my page.

Norman