Chapter 4 - In which our heroes continue to debate the finer points of judging etiquette

The judging criteria conversation continued.

“I would say the flavour of the meat patty specifically is one of, if not the, most important attributes to be judged,” ventured Alan. “Many burgers attempt to mask the inadequacy of their beef with sauces, cheeses, chillies and other accoutrements.”

“Agreed,” agreed Hector. “We must not allow ourselves to be misled by the novel construction of the burger. You are very well aware of my motto, Alan. ‘No sub-standard meat shall ever pass these lips’.”

“Yes, I’ve seen it on your headed notepaper,” acknowledged Alan. “And stitched into your monogrammed bathrobe. Not to mention the tattoo across your pectorals...”

“Precisely. In its purest form, a burger is no more than a slab of ground beef, cooked to perfection, nestled in a soft, white bun. Everything else is a garnish. We cannot afford to be distracted from this.”

This time it was Alan’s turn to agree. “I agree,” he said. “However, we also cannot ignore that these aforementioned garnishes are often what elevates a pedestrian burger into the realm of the greats. Turning something from a burger into a cheeseburger is nothing less than a work of art.”

“Therefore,” he continued, (I didn’t realise he was continuing, I probably didn’t need to start a new paragraph here) “I would propose our next category be focused on the ‘extras’. This covers everything from the additional garnishes in and on the burger, to the choice of fries available, to the beers on offer, and even the ambience of the restaurant.”

“I’m not sure Alan,” ventured Hector, uncertainly. “That sounds like an awful lot of variability to be covered by one category.”

“Fie!” exclaimed Alan pretentiously, having read too much Shakespeare as a youth. “We are embarking on a quest to find Berlin’s Best Burger, dear Hector, not Berlin’s Best Burgersauce, or Berlin’s Best Imitation Mild Cheese Slice (Extra Mild).”

“Sí, Alan, you’re quite right,” relented Hector. “I rescind my objection. However, I would propose to include ‘value-for-money’ as a separate criterion. Despite the fact that, as professional international models, we are commensurately well-paid, I still do not appreciate being overcharged for a burger.”

“Absolutely,” concurred Alan. “A burger remains, at its heart, food for the common man, despite the proliferation of ‘gourmet’ burger restaurants which have grown up around us like weeds.”

“Quite right, though value-for-money is not such a simple concept. We’re not just talking about how expensive a burger is, but whether it is worth what you are paying for it. A life-changing burger would be worth its weight in gold, while a mediocre burger could be overpriced even at a relatively paltry sum.”

“Hector, is everything well with you financially?” voiced Alan with concern. “You seem awfully concerned with this ‘value-for-money’ concept even though, as you say, we are well paid professional international models.”

“I thank you for your concern Alan,” thanked Hector. “But there is really nothing to worry about. I am merely doing my best to curb my expenses in the run-up to my move to Swaziland which is, as you know only too well, a not-inexpensive destination.”

“As you say, I know only too well,” replied Alan, who had never been to Swaziland and had no idea what Hector was talking about. Indeed, he had only discovered of the existence of the small, landlocked, southern-African country upon Hector’s announcement that he was moving there for the cheese and mountain air.

“Right,” continued Alan, “I believe we have our five criteria. Ten restaurants and five criteria seems like a good match.”

In summary, the criteria are:

1. Burger Juiciness

2. Bun Goodness (a.k.a. the Patrick Stewart Criterion)

3. Burger Flavour (specifically the taste of the meat)

4. Extras/accoutrements (bacon, cheese, sauces, fries, beers, etc.)

5. Value-for-money (Alan privately called this the Hector Funding Mismanagement)

With both restaurants and judging criteria finally decided, our heroic duo could now begin their quest. If they had only known at this point what lay ahead, how it would test them and push them to their very limits, they would probably have done it anyway. In case you hadn’t already realised, these two really like burgers.