hearts unchambered

I used to believe that true connection only lived in our minds. When you met a person that you felt connected to, it was your mind playing tricks on you. 

This was after a long battle of trying to find connection in a disconnected world. I turned against the conventional ideas of love and kinship, deciding to rather reside in the hollow corners of my heart. I chose to sit while the world wandered about. Inevitably, any connection I thought I had would whither away. I’d curse my mind for ever believing in it, in love. Overtime, fear and attachment issues kept me far enough away to avoid any chance of a connection. The cycle made me nauseous: finding someone, loving someone, losing someone. I didn’t want a ‘someone’ anymore. I just needed me, I thought. I came into this world alone, I could survive it alone too. Little did I know, the world was far from forgiving, and my two feet could not bear the punishment. 

Loneliness is quiet, it slowly sneaks up on you like an owl in the night. And when you think you’re at your lowest, loneliness will drag you ten feet lower. That’s what makes it so tricky. You fall -like quicksand- into your mind and barely make it out alive. It weakens you, removes you from your body and leaves you stranded. I believe even the happiest of people get lost in loneliness. It’s difficult to avoid a natural part of life. It might even be the worst part. When you lose a vital part of you, an empty space opens in your heart that may never be filled. Overtime, the space gets larger and before you know it, there is a canyon-sized tear in your heart that needs all the help it can get. But there’s no one there anymore. No one to help, and no one to help but you. 

When you’re getting into a relationship, you are risking everything. You are offering this person the ability to live in your heart for eternity. That is true love, after all. Some people aren’t okay with taking that risk, some people settle for this distant, barriered attachment we call connection. It saves us the heart-break, right? It’s saves us from it all. It saves us from trooping our hearts on the front line in the war for love. It’s saving us from ever being deserving of happiness. Love is risk, it is sacrifice, and it can only truly live in the hearts unchambered. 

Reviews

[knighngale]

oh wow, I love your prose and essay, it is hard to be in a relationship. I'm in none, because I cry a lot, with just friendship. Every time, I'm alone, I feel great, but it's alone. It becomes very detrimental. Sos, when someone comes along, I get excited and happy, :D great read! :D

[avaya]

aw, i cry a lot with friendships too :') any form of connection comes with its baggage but when someone comes along to save you from loneliness, it truly is the best feeling

[knighngale]

yes, dear :D