mindlessness of the love-sick

the mindlessness of the love-sick

true to face, thoughtless dialogue:

is his fast reply indicative of deeper emotion? or is it just a fragment of his twisted nature to rouse me like this. i awake, under this starry night, with seven beautiful images all speaking to a younger part in me. his broad shoulders, fine jaw, seductive gaze, inviting composure, and one sexy smirk that remains pronounced under any light. fine features i’ve only ever dreamed on a man, they look at me and into my heart, jolting it free from a forced hibernation. adulthood hibernates even the craziest of hearts at some point. mine was subjected to this phenomenon much too early, i believed. my tired heart was done beating brightly, progressing to a bitter, sorrow end like the others. in front of these 7 gorgeous photos, it was wide awake and dying to beat against them, a painting of--what could possibly be-- the sexiest man i’ve ever seen in my life. the sexiest man that makes the pulse between my legs race hotter than the sun, wrecking havoc on my most sensational nerves. the sexiest man i thought i’d never get a chance with. so what if he had a crush on me when he was little? we’re both a little more grown now. Plus, back then you could look at a coke bottle and think it was attractive. nowadays, beauty standards feel at an all time high and ~natural beauty~ is somehow the most impossible thing to achieve out of all of it! natural beauty like my acne? or this perfectly-moisturized, glass-like skin that’s wrapped around every ~beauty influencer~. if that’s natural beauty, then holy f**k, i’m decomposing before my eyes. let me reiterate, this man was luxury chocolate my budget could not afford. 

and listen, i have a process too, okay? before i consider any man, i always go through a history. aka, every potentially good or bad thing he’s ever done in my presence. and how he made me feel, a whole f*****g history. basically, i first met him at my friend’s sixteenth birthday party. it was a rusty, boring party in her basement with a few of her friends and a few of her brother’s friends. anyways, i arrive late and one of the first people i notice is him. i completely ignore him because, at this point in my life, i was still recovering from my first heartbreak. plus, i was sorta eyeing some guy from school so for anyone to turn my eye, they’d have to be exponentially better that this crush i fantasied for hours over already. seriously, this crush had hours on every other man, who else could catch me eye? other than him, i mean at the time, i didn’t wanna pursue it. plus, it wasn’t like he’d reached his prime yet, i could sorta see it. he was pretty hot for his age but nothing near what i could fantasize over. but that day, people around us acted weird, for some reason he wanted to see me? i’m sure he wasn’t too impressed with what he saw. for one, i had gained like 30lbs since my dad died and my skin was breaking out like a b***h! (still is, i just know how to control it) anyways, that was my first encounter with him. i wasn’t looking very pretty at the time (these were my uglier days) but i was willing to show up for my friend, though i was planning to leave as soon as possible. i had a lot of parties like that in high school. showing up for the sake of it and leaving early because i felt too insecure or underserving of the friendships at my disposal. in our tradition, the direct family members of the deceased are banned from attending any parties for a year after their passing, so this was the first party i went to in a long time. even though i wasn’t feeling up for it, i stayed because of him. call it curiosity? magnetism? he was the only person i really paid attention to, recalling his every movement in hopes that it was an attempt to reciprocate the attraction i was inadvertently consumed with.  but the more i hoped, the more i ridiculed myself for even trying. who could ever love a gross, ugly f**k like me? i was ill, physically and emotionally. too tired to even try fighting for something. just waiting, hoping, preying he scooped me up in his arms and made me forget. unfortunately, that didn’t happen. but it did plant a seed in my head that i hadn’t let myself water until now. i saw him more after that, only attending the events that i knew he’d be at. and i was visibly depressed if he wasn’t going to be there. damn, at the time, i thought i was hiding it so well, from both myself and everyone around me. i convinced myself it was fleeting and unattainable. i stopped speaking to him for years after that. i was tired of hoping for someone who felt impossible to have. but recently, i’ve been putting myself out there more. talking to more guys, making myself more available to potential connection. and i’m not gonna lie, it’s given me some confidence. i’ve kept up my appearance and started to truly care for myself. and right at the perfect time for me, he follows me on instagram, messages me for my snap (even though we hadn’t texted in years), followed me on snap, and replied to my message instantly.. asked how i’ve been…shared those gorgeous 7 photos and had me helplessly hooked ever since…

i want you to know that, even though it doesn’t sound special, it is to a quiet, exhausted heart. one that craves to feel alive again. feel young again. feel like anything’s possible again. things that were once lost have been brought to light again, and it is overwhelmingly eye-opening. to the minds of the love-sick, you are the beating hearts that keep society alive.