1: Crushing The Mustard-Seed

A Chapter by avaya

I never anticipated how fast infatuation could grow and fizzle; I suppose it depends on how much hope you have.

"Yep, I just grabbed the firewood. The GPS says we'll be there in around an hour"

My sister puts down her phone and drives out of desperation to escape. With the summer ahead of us, our southeast cottage would give us some time to be outdoors.

"Is it dirty there? I don't need the mosquitoes eating me alive" I bite my nails anxiously.

"They're gonna be there regardless. I don't even know why you're complaining. Have hope!" My sister, Alex, always loved a little dash of optimism.

"I just don't understand what we'll do there"

"Firepit. Games. Drinks. Fun"

"I haven't seen them in ages! It's gonna be awkward."

"Sabina, they're the ones who asked you to come!"

Butterflies reunited in my stomach. I'd have to see him for the first time in years.

"I don't know...Did you bring the edibles?"

"Yes, but you're only getting one"

"Wha- I'm eighteen now! I can take more than-"

"Nineteen is the legal age, Bina. Plus, someone has to stay sober"

"Right. How fun."

We were on our way to a cottage to meet up with our family friends; ones that I haven't seen in years. After my dad passed away, it became hard to be around anyone, so I started to distance myself from them. But this trip would reunite me with some of my closest friends. Among the friends I'd be living with this month was Jaden.

Jaden was my best friend growing up. We always had a deep and ever-lasting connection. It's what I loved about us. But after I turned twelve, those feelings started to grow.

At first, my nerves were triggered by his presence. Everytime he was around, my heart would race a million miles per second. He was the one who taught me what butterflies in my stomach meant. I'd sit around fantasising about us being more than friends and always hoped we'd be that one day.

When I turned thirteen, I finally acted on that desire and it was entirely unintentional too. It was around five years ago. We were just sitting around talking about high school and the idea of prom came up...

"You should definitely go! The seniors at my school say prom's the best way to end high school." Jaden told me with excitement in his eyes, even though his prom was two years away. "I don't know... I bet I'd be stuck there all alone." My prom was four years away, but I was certain I'd end up dancing alone. "Well, you could take anyone, y'know. It doesn't just have to be you", he smiled and gently grabbed my shoulder. The butterflies in my stomach urged me to say it. "I'd pick you if I could." My confession was mingled with fear and sincerity. Jaden hesitated before taking a step back. "Don't say things like that. It's not right. You're too young" The firmness in his voice sent chills down my back. The absence of his hand on my shoulder felt unbearable.

I made it my mission to stay as far away from him as possible after that. I didn't want anyone to see what I was feeling. Little did I know, he'd be the only one to make me feel that way.

The last time I saw him was at my father's funeral four years ago. And after hearing about this trip, I felt a mustard-seed of hope come back to life. But as we all know, hope led to all things horrible. Call me bitter, but I want to crush that little mustard-seed before it even has the chance to grow.

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© 2022 avaya

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JayG

You didn’t ask for comment, but given that you’re working on a novel, and there are things, invisible to the author, that are getting in the way, I thought you’d want to know. Just bear in mind that what I have to say is unrelated to talent, or how well you write.

Here’s the killer: In school we worked hard to perfect a skill called writing. Over the years we were assigned endless numbers of reports, essays, and, a few stories. So, guess what we became really good at. Answer: the nonfiction techniques that most employers need us to know in order to write reports and essays for them.

What we universally forget is that professional knowledge and skills are acquired in addition to the general skills of school. So we literally leave our school years knowing as much about the skills of plumbing as we do the techniques of fiction. And like nearly everyone else, not knowing there IS another approach to writing, you used what you have for fiction.

The problem you face is that the story works perfectly for you. When you read the first line you know who’s speaking, their background, mood, needs, and their short term goal. You know where we are in time and space. You know what’s going on, and what motivates the protagonist to act. In other words, you cheat. 😁

The reader? They’re a blank slate. They have what your words suggest to them, not what they mean to you. They have no context you don’t provide. So if you don’t provide context, they have words in a row, meaning unknown.

Let’s add one critical thing more: The goal of nonfiction is to inform. The goal of fiction, as E. L. Doctorow put it: “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”

And with that in mind, look at the opening as a reader must, to see how different their understanding, as they read, is from your own:

• I never anticipated how fast infatuation could grow and fizzle; I suppose it depends on how much hope you have.

First: you’re misusing the semi-colon. It’s not a super comma. It’s used to connect sentences with a shorter than normal pause. But there’s no reason for that with these two lines.

Next: Someone unknown is saying something that everyone has experienced, for unknown purpose. If you’re about to tell a story in which it happens, you just gave away a plot-point the reader should experience in context. If it happened in the past, who cares?

You’re talking TO the reader, and that’s not action, it’s someone speaking in an unknown tone of voice for unknown reasons. I hit this point hard because were this a partial, included in a query, here is whre the rejection would come.

It’s not your fault, because no one discussed the techniques and necessities of opening a scene in your school years. But, obviously, you need to address this.

• "Yep, I just grabbed the firewood. The GPS says we'll be there in around an hour"

Forgetting that you left out a period (edit, edit, edit), someone unknown is speaking to someone unspecified, for unknown reasons. See how your pre-knowledge of the plot gives you context thet the reader lacks?

But there’s another point you need to address (sorry): In this, from start to finish, this is a transcription of you telling the story to an audience. And that cannot work on the page. Verbal storytelling is a performance art. You, the storyteller are replacing a stage-full of actors, and your performance must substitute for theirs. So HOW you tell the story, your performance, matters as much as what you say, because it’s in the performance that the emotional component of the piece lies.

The narrator's words are, of necessity, those of an outside observer, reporting and explaining in summation and overview (yes, you use first person pronouns when talking about the protagonist, but....you are talking ABOUT the protagonist, not making the reader feel they are the protagonist.

So, where a film happens in real-time, and the audience feels they’re there living the adventure, you’re alone on stage, using body-language, punctuating visually with gesture, changing your expression, and, using all the vocal tricks a reader can’t hear. Nor can the reader see your performance.

So what does he reader get? A storyteller’s script, with neither stage direction nor rehearsal time.

In short, you can’t use the techniques of one medium in another. Not good news, I know. Especially given the time you’ve spent working on this. But if it helps, you have a LOT of company, and, it’s fixable

The tricks of fiction aren’t all that hard to learn, and most of the time you’ll be saying, “Oh…but that’s obvious. Why didn’t I see that, myself?” Perfecting those skills is a bit harder. But that’s true of any profession. And when you do master them, the act of writing becomes a LOT more fun.

The library’s fiction-writing section can be a HUGE resource. Personally, I’d suggest you begin with Debra Dixon’s, GMC: Goal Motivation & Conflict. If it’s not available in the library, you can download it from any online bookseller. It’s a warm easy read, a lot like sitting with Deb and listening to her talk about writing. So give it a try.

For an overview of the kind of things you’ll find in such a book, the articles in my WordPress writing blog are meant as an overview of some of the differences between fiction and nonfiction writing.

So…I’m sure this wasn’t what you were expecting, or hoping for, But since we’ll never address the problem we don’t see as being one, it’s necessary, in spite of the fact that it hurts (I’ve been there more than a few times).

But as I said, it’s not a matter of talent, so whatever you do, hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

Posted 2 Years Ago

Here’s the killer: In school we worked hard to perfect a skill called writing. Over the years we were assigned endless numbers of reports, essays, and, a few stories. So, guess what we became really good at. Answer: the nonfiction techniques that most employers need us to know in order to write reports and essays for them.

What we universally forget is that professional knowledge and skills are acquired in addition to the general skills of school. So we literally leave our school years knowing as much about the skills of plumbing as we do the techniques of fiction. And like nearly everyone else, not knowing there IS another approach to writing, you used what  you have for fiction.

The problem you face is that the story works perfectly for you. When you read the first line you know who’s speaking, their background, mood, needs, and their short term goal. You know where we are in time and space. You know what’s going on, and what motivates the protagonist to act. In other words, you cheat. 😁

The reader? They’re a blank slate. They have what your words suggest to them, not what they mean to you. They have no context you don’t provide. So if you don’t provide context, they have words in a row, meaning unknown.

Let’s add one critical thing more: The goal of nonfiction is to inform. The goal of fiction, as E. L. Doctorow put it: “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”

And with that in mind, look at the opening as a reader must, to see how different their understanding, as they read, is from your own:

• I never anticipated how fast infatuation could grow and fizzle; I suppose it depends on how much hope you have.

First: you’re misusing the semi-colon. It’s not a super comma. It’s used to connect sentences with a shorter than normal pause. But there’s no reason for that with these two lines.

Next: Someone unknown is saying something that everyone has experienced, for unknown purpose. If you’re about to tell a story in which it happens, you just gave away a plot-point the reader should experience in context. If it happened in the past, who cares?

You’re talking TO the reader, and that’s not action, it’s someone speaking in an unknown tone of voice for unknown reasons. I hit this point hard because were this a partial, included in a query, here is whre the rejection would come.

It’s not your fault, because no one discussed the techniques and necessities of opening a scene in your school years. But, obviously, you need to address this.

• "Yep, I just grabbed the firewood. The GPS says we'll be there in around an hour"

Forgetting that you left out a period (edit, edit, edit), someone unknown is speaking to someone unspecified, for unknown reasons. See how your pre-knowledge of the plot gives you context thet the reader lacks?

But there’s another point you need to address (sorry): In this, from start to finish, this is a transcription of you telling the story to an audience. And that cannot work on the page. Verbal storytelling is a performance art. You, the storyteller are replacing a stage-full of actors, and your performance must substitute for theirs. So HOW you tell the story, your performance, matters as much as what you say, because it’s in the performance that the emotional component of the piece lies.

The narrator's words are, of necessity, those of an outside observer, reporting and explaining in summation and overview (yes, you use first person pronouns when talking about the protagonist, but....you are talking ABOUT the protagonist, not making the reader feel they are the protagonist.

So, where a film happens in real-time, and the audience feels they’re there living the adventure, you’re alone on stage, using body-language, punctuating visually with gesture, changing your expression, and, using all the vocal tricks a reader can’t hear. Nor can the reader see your performance.

So what does he reader get? A storyteller’s script, with neither stage direction nor rehearsal time.

In short, you can’t use the techniques of one medium in another. Not good news, I know. Especially given the time you’ve spent working on this. But if it helps, you have a LOT of company, and, it’s fixable

The tricks of fiction aren’t all that hard to learn, and most of the time you’ll be saying, “Oh…but that’s obvious. Why didn’t I see that, myself?” Perfecting those skills is a bit harder. But that’s true of any profession. And when you do master them, the act of writing becomes a LOT more fun.

The library’s fiction-writing section can be a HUGE resource. Personally, I’d suggest you begin with Debra Dixon’s, GMC: Goal Motivation & Conflict. If it’s not available in the library, you can download it from any online bookseller. It’s a warm easy read, a lot like sitting with Deb and listening to her talk about writing. So give it a try.

For an overview of the kind of things you’ll find in such a book, the articles in my WordPress writing blog are meant as an overview of some of the differences between fiction and nonfiction writing.

So…I’m sure this wasn’t what you were expecting, or hoping for, But since we’ll never address the problem  we don’t see as being one, it’s necessary, in spite of the fact that it hurts (I’ve been there more than a few times).

But as I said, it’s not a matter of talent, so whatever you do, hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

Rating /100

1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

2 Years Ago

I truly appreciate your words and value your criticism greatly! It's hard to find honest feedback an.. read more

2 Years Ago

Glad to help.

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