traveling time through periods of supression and honesty

I’d wake up some mornings and feel nothing. Time passed through me like a haze and I could barely meet his eyes. They stayed glued to the floor, hands on my side, slouched over with eyes as dry as the air in the room. It took me years to get this suppressed. It took tragedy and grief to barely feel the ground beneath me, and still, my mind remained silent. There was little noise to guide me anymore. It all remained out of my peripheral vision and I suppose I enjoyed it that way for a while. 

Then one morning I woke up and could barely recognize my own skin. It felt faux and itchy, like I was scratching away years of trapped emotions, hidden under the layers I'd put on. I couldn’t breath under the icky feeling of not being me. How was the real me supposed to break through? The real me was swimming in the deep end of an ocean I couldn’t find within me. Still, I went through the motions like any other day and pushed myself as far back as I could from the real world. It was what I knew; the familiar escape from my mind and my world. I’d collide with a dark nothingness and sit there for hours on end. It washed away my memories and opened a hole within me that I still have yet to rid myself of. 

As the hole deepend, my journey got longer and more tiresome. What little people realize is that the hole needs your light to grow. When you’re too tired to fight for your light anymore, that hole wins over you. It takes you like a medallion and holds you hostage for life. It’s now a constant battle to win my light back. I’m only awake enough to realize it's gone now. A little too late, I suppose. 

The people around you, if there truly are any, will have to guide you for the time being. They will steer your ship across the deep, dark sea to help you find your drowning me. And if the stars at night aren’t enough to guide you to the Northern lights, then maybe the air will contain the life you need and lift you to a place where you’re truly free. It takes honesty. The power of truth is one told by time. You realize where honesty comes from when you finally pass through time, evaluate it and find peace in the truth. The hard part is, it takes time, and time is too linear to bear. So strengthen your will and get ready, because time will never wait for you, and you’ll have to keep busy while waiting for it.