little bit of a heavy heart

if you’ve grieved, this could be you

i’m really down low right now.. my eighteenth birthday is coming up and i can’t help but feel low.

yesterday, my manager mistook my uncle for my dad, and the words “your dad is here to pick you up” humoured me in the moment because that wasn’t my dad. his ashes were eaten away by the wind years ago.

it started to sink in that my dad would never be here to pick me up. he would never be here at all.

he won’t be here for my eighteenth birthday and it just keeps pulling me lower,

i cant feel like this if i want to throw a party, go to work, take care of myself and my family

i don’t want to feel like this every time he’s been mentioned. it’s not a life i want to be living, but this kind of pain is permanent. no amount of time, habit or routine will ever rid me of it and the thought of a lifetime like this makes me want to end that life immediately. rid the pain by eliminating the host. it’s as simple as that.

but it isn’t. my family needs me here, i have so many aspirations that have yet to be pursued. the grief eliminates the fear in striving for what i want. it makes the smaller grievances in my life much lighter and it pushes me to fight until i can’t anymore. it’s there, though, slowly but surely eating away at the life i have yet to live and it’s killing me.

nevertheless, my birthday will come and go, just like he did. things will subside and my life will begin at university. i’m not excited, or thrilled, or even proud of myself. i still despise every morsel of my being and the self-harm tendencies follow me like a cloud of dust. as it blurs my vision and cuts my air thin, i lose the balance in my feet and fall abruptly into the sand. i begin to sink. it pulls me into the gutters like a suction. without air, control or desperation, i let the sand eat me whole and whisper away forever as the one who went quietly.

Reviews

[Gee]

It is so hard when someone we love dearly passes, as I have found out in the last 4 months, but grief is the price we pay for loving and the deeper we love the harder we grieve, until slowly but surely tears become smiles and warm, loving memories

[avaya]

grief truly is the price we pay for loving deeply. the journey is long but to know someone who understands, your words mean the world