The Usual Affair

The story is a narration by a young woman, an illustration of how her journey in attaining emotional maturity shapes her love for an old friend.

I was gazing at the laptop screen, trying to finish the last array of assignments before the post-graduation end semesters. I heard the similar ping sound of Facebook Messenger. I was no beauty queen anymore but what is it with the guys I never talked to in the under-grad, I don’t reply means I am not interested. Well it must be the stupid valentine season, or the post break up blues, or someone is just too horny... Wait a sec, is my T Shirt in the DP too low cut!!

No it is not. I am a good girl. Eight years ago I would accept I was less than good until I found out the perks of being modest myself. At my age I am done being pretentious, or let’s just say I am tired.

I held the phone to clear-off the notifications. It was him; it brought the same old smile to my face.

“Hey Pretty.. ssup??”

“Heyyyy!! How are you??”

“I am fine, what about you? Exams n all?”

“Yep.. shall be free in a month.. joining is in April”

“Yo gal!! Hot Shot Manager :)”

“ hehehehe.. you tell.. How come messaging me in the valentine’s week… got single again  :P :P ?”

“Noooo … Nothing like that.. just pinged you to give you some news”

Sid is Typing….

“Sid??”

“I am getting engaged next month”

 

What is sinking in my chest...

 

“O wow.. congrats you.. I told you Shruti is the one”

“Yeah you were right.. Listen na Riya.. please come at the ceremony… it is a low key affair and I want you there”

 

OKAY….

 

“I will put my 100% efforts to be there for you”

“No just be there, keep your office language with you :P :P”

“F** off jerk”

“Love you b***h, take care”

 

Oh my God.. I knew I would be sad one day, I guess I just underestimated the pain in the chest thing. I just kept staring at his Facebook profile picture. Why didn’t I realize he was cute when we were seventeen?

 

NINE YEARS AGO…

 

I was always the rich-b***h. My father was an eminent businessman in the country’s capital. He married my mother who was actually very beautiful. Now that marriage should get all the credit for how I looked, but I was a little too immature to understand that.

I attended the same school for eleven years. I was consistently good at scores and looks which had made me very popular amongst students and teachers. Sid had joined our school in the twelfth standard.

“Riya Singh”

“Present Sir”

“Siddharth Awasthi”

“PPP.. Present Sir”

It was the first day of the new session. He was late at his first lecture. Our names were called out alphabetically during attendance. This made me notice a new name after the teacher had taken my name. Otherwise it was so difficult for me to get out of my own self-obsessed air.

I saw a tall- lean, very nervous figure entering.  He sat diagonally behind me. I observed him for a minutes then I resumed to some nonsense anklet versus bracelet discussion.

We were paired according to roll number to perform chemistry assignments in the lab.

“Siddharth and Riya " apparatus number 8: Acid Base Titration”

The chemistry lab assistant called our names. “Why on earth”, I thought. Apart from my regular tantrums, I had this phobia of chemicals. That was why I had exploited my previous lab partner Sagar’s crush on me to convince him to perform the assignment for me.

“Hi I am Riya”

“Hi.. Siddharth”

“Ummm… listen I have this new shade of nail paint on which I obviously don’t wanna ruin and I do not usually do the chemical stuff myself, soooooo….”

“So???”

“I won’t contribute!!”

I shrugged.

“OK… you shouldn’t have taken chemistry then… there is commerce you know.. safe and away from acids”

“Excuse me!! how dare you Mister? No one talks to me like that. You need to watch your tone with me”

“Well Ms. Singh, I don’t know how many slaves your father keeps but I am not one of them, so you better do your work yourself”

When did this guy cultivate attitude under his anxious skin!! My face and eyes reddened with the mixed shade of anger and humiliation. For the first time somebody had put me down. We had made quite a scene. I thought it was better to keep quiet for the time being and avenge later. I flipped through the lab manual to understand the theory. I couldn’t tell him that I had actual fear of chemicals, which would have proven me weak; too bad for my self-pride.

But I had to face my fear; I trembled all the way to the counter where they kept acids. We had to use Hydrochloric Acid as stronger acid and Sodium Hydroxide the weaker base.  I was trying to spot the correct jar along with efforts to hide my quivering hands when they hit one of the glass beakers which dropped to the ground pouring some of its contents on my hand.

I don’t know what it was but it burnt like acid. I yelled in pain. The students and the lab assistant rushed towards me. I was watching Sid’s apologetic face. For some reason I couldn’t enjoy that moment, he was genuine.

“I am really sorry! I should have helped you”

He said while looking at my wound.

“It is OK, you didn’t know I was telling the truth when I said I could not handle chemicals”

He smiled, I smiled. He took a chocolate out of his pocket and gave it to me. I smiled more.

“Friends?”

“Yep”

 

SIX YEARS AGO…

 

Sid and I had enrolled in the same college with different streams. He was in Computer Science and I was in Information Technology. We had become best buddies by then. He would patiently listen to all chatters of my senior year crushes and sob stories of breakups then again of hook-ups and other romances. He was all into inter-college coding competitions and sports. He never had many female friends which sometimes led me wonder what was wrong with him. He would frequently chill with his guy gang and would meet me for coffee during weekends.

I was going steady with this guy called Vaishnav. Kind of decent and handsome. We were in third year now. He was in Sid’s class.

“Tell me something more about him” I demanded. We were at his house sipping coffee.

“Aren’t you ever tired Riya?”

“Oh please dude! you and him in same class for three years now, you should know something that I don’t know”

“I would never know more than you. I am not interested in him the way you are”

“Are you at least interested in me?”

Oops I shouldn’t have said that. He made a fake irritated face and picked up his mobile. I knew he did that whenever he wanted to avoid a certain discussion. Perhaps I knew what was on his mind; I was just not ready to pull the topic out in the open and spoil the friendship in awkwardness. He was one of very few precious people in my life. The girls hate me, the boys loved me. I needed one true friend. Well, that was intelligent then, felt like stupid six years later.

It was the farewell party at one of the friend’s when I came to know that Vaishnav was cheating on me the whole time. That was a gloomy phase, I was devastated. Sid used to make regular visits, soon after we had to join our respective companies where we got our placements.

“Riya come on!! He is a b*****d, you know this”

“I know…”

“Then why just you can’t get over him?”

“I wish it was that easy Sid, I am trying”

“What are you trying Huh? Sorry I cannot see that, you are 23 Riya, not a kid anymore who cannot get her s**t together and move on.. This is how you plan to start your career?”

“I am seriously done taking your lectures now!! What is your problem? And By the way.. what are you so happy for? Are you celebrating that Vaishnav has finally made your much longed spot free?”

Oh My God… Mistake!!!

“Is that what you think about me?”

“O.. I am sorry Sid, I didn’t mean that” I stammered.

 He kept staring at me for two minutes.

“Riya, I appreciate that finally you have a clue about what I feel about you, but I never imposed anything on you”

“Sid.. I am not in that state of mind right now…”

“I know, you will never be… I was an idiot thinking that one day you would have same feelings for me, I was waiting for them to grow in you, I just realize now that day would never come”

“AA aaa…I cannot think of anything to say”

Bad timing to say that too, girl.

“You need not to say anything now…”

He came closer, he gently took my hands in his, leaned a bit and kissed my cheek.

“Goodbye Riya”

He said and left. I couldn’t feel myself for next five minutes. I was confused about what was making me sadder now. Being dumped or being dumped twice… after all Sid had made it look like a break up, and a bitter one. I got all alone.

He ignored my calls and refused to meet. We were posted in different cities very far from our hometown that made even harder to contact him. I was desperately missing him.

I tried focusing on the work. I was doing well. Yet every day I used to think about him right before I close my eyes before I went to sleep. I could no longer amuse myself with meaningless office affairs, the guys got bored after making attempts to woo me and then they were wooed themselves. Everyone seemed happy. I could not find what happy is, it was definitely not there outside the laptop screen. I was having serious doubts about myself, am I a pathetically depressed person? 

This made me ponder again. Did Sid and I never stand a chance together? Can I try giving it a chance... why not!! It is a hundred times better option than feeling miserable alone. The next weekend I was packing my bag to make a surprise appearance at Sid’s door.

I was waiting restlessly for the door to open.

“Riya!!!”

“EE.. Hey Sid… Ummm… can I come in?”

“Yeah.. yes.. come in”

We were in his drawing room. Awkward silence.

“So ssup.. almost one and a half years”

“Yess, nothing new... regular job… kind of planning to start preparing for CAT, what about you?”

 

“Oh that’s fantastic.. MBA is good…meeeee…. I am doing ok, work is cool”

 

I grinned. We both were struggling to conceal the uncomfortable body language.

 

“ Ummm…Sid, I just gave up on trying to contact you.. after you .. you know..I didn’t know anything else to do… you were so mad at me”

“I am sorry… I should have called myself… and I was not mad at you”

“Then.. why?? Why avoid me like that?

“I was trying to move on…”

Please don’t move on.

“You know me Sid, I am a confused girl, the way I behaved that day.. I admit that suggested something that is not entirely true”

“What is not entirely true Riya?”

 

Gathering courage. ONE TWO THREE..

 

“That we cannot be a couple!!! I know am late and I must have done a considerate amount of damage to your emotions but Sid… I thought and thought a lot, you have no idea how crazy I went thinking about what is wrong with me until it clicked me that… you are the one… the one guy for me who I need the most”

 

I vomited the words and looked down. He was too staring at the ground this time.

 

“Riya I have a girlfriend”

 

CRAP!!.. It felt like I exposed my bums for a tetanus injection and later realized I was in grocery store.

 

“Oh O Wow!! Hey thats cool.. Really I mean it.. I am happy for you”

“Really???”

“Yes dude definitely... what are u thinking.. It is really Okay.. who is the girl by the way”

“Shruti, a colleague of mine… Listen Riya”

 

He came near, sat down on the ground near my chair.

 

 “I am feeling ashamed for how selfish I was this whole time…”

“It is really alright Sid, you need not to worry about me”

I smiled. He smiled. I smiled more.

“You misunderstood one thing Riya… you don’t need anyone”

 

TODAY…

 

I waited for the pain in my chest to reduce. I drank some juice and resumed to my assignments. One thing I learnt is that there are not always answers to some questions. I could not give a hypothesis on why I was all about teaching myself not to cry like a little girl and be happy for my friend at the same time. May be it was better being friends as that way no break up could part us. Also, that empty glass jar that cracks each time I feel Sid is going away from me needs to be filled now.

 

THREE YEARS LATER

 

Sid and Shruti were married nine months later he told me about his engagement. I participated in the wedding as a best friend. I helped him buying his wedding suit. I danced in all the ceremonies. He also tried to hook me up with a colleague who obviously understood my incapability of being in a romantic relationship. I never blamed anyone.

Time flew, I moved on. I became stronger at mind, more ambitious. That jar was filling. On the contrary my parents grew weaker, more irritated. They couldn’t understand my wish to be single till an indefinite period; I agreed they won’t understand, disagreed to align to their concepts. I am 29 and successful. I knew how to manage the books of my start-up and to heal an emotional wound. Sid, however, had been quite busy. Our calls reduced to from frequent to occasional. Then calls became messages. I also didn’t realize the need to put efforts to overcome the phasing out; he was a married man after all.

I was sitting at the airport Café Coffee Day. I had decided to expand the business which required frequent travels. I felt a touch on the shoulder.

“Riya?”

“Siddharth!!”

I got up and gave him a quick hug. He looked weary and dull.

“What a surprise... how have you been and how are you here …at Mumbai Airport?”

“Business chores… I am expanding into wrought iron furniture, came here to meet some dealers…you tell, came to see someone off?”

 “That’s great news…Yes my dad came to visit me… but when did it leak out of your mind that I stay in this city that you made no news of your arrival”

“O Sid, I am here just for a week and I was going to make a call, sorry dude just didn’t wanna to bother you unnecessarily, leave that.. how is Shruti?”

He stared at me. In disappointment.

“She is fine”

“I  am sorry, please please.. don’t make that huge issue face now.. I will do the damage control”

“I am not, it is alright”

“How about I make a visit to you and Shruti today? Your place what say?”

“That will be good option for damage control”

He giggled and gave me his address. We chatted for another half an hour.

I finished meeting with one my client’s and reached Sid’s apartment building around 8:30 pm.

The door was decorated as “Mr. and Mrs. Awasthi”. Sweet.

He welcomed me like a true gentleman.

“Is she joining us soon… are you sure I am really not before time.. she would be in the office right?”

“Hmmm…”

He grinned and went inside after which I heard some efforts with glass utensils. He emerged with juice and biscuits. Then there was some conversation around some political topics.

“Dude its nine… “

“Yeah so?”

“Cut the crap and tell me what is wrong, why are you avoiding to tell me where Shruti is”

“because I don’t really know, we are divorced”

My eyes swelled like melons at that very moment. The same old awkward silence.

“Riya you can ask me what happened”

“yeeaaahhhh.. please tell me.. how??” I gulped my own saliva. “why??”

 

He sat next to me and told how they grew apart gradually.

 

“…And then there was a miscarriage after which things became worse, she told me she couldn’t feel emotionally connected to me anymore”

 

Emotional connection. That points to love in my dictionary. She couldn’t love him anymore. I was feeling sorry for him. His darkcircles and patches of  grey hair made me feel like I should do everything to help him.

 

“So… here I am, 29, divorced, pathetic but I can deal with this. This is why dad was here, Mom and dad make alternate visitations to check on me”

 

I placed my hand on his.

 

“You will be better Sid..”

 

I was determined to be with him for the next 6 days. It was tormenting to see him like a zombie. We spent three-four hours together every day after work. I felt good when he smiled and his eyes sparkled as it was heartfelt. I patted myself in pride in my thoughts.

I was leaving next day. We were at his house, finished dinner. We are having drinks.

“Riya please don’t go”

“And do what? your laundry?”

“I cannot remember when I was this happy... and yes do the laundry .. great help”

“No thanks…”. I twisted my tongue and made a funny face.

He laid his hands on my shoulder and kissed my forehead. Then he started smelling my hair.

“Someone is drunk…”

I said. Then I felt this breathes coming down to all the way from my ears to my neck. A hot wave toured everywhere inside my body.

“Sid …what’s up”

“Please be quiet”

I pushed him away gently.

“No, I really can’t”

“What is your problem Riya... what is wrong now?”

I gave him a look, got up and moved towards my bag.

“I am single you are too, everything is legitimate… don’t tell me this thought has never crossed your mind”

I didn’t respond.

“Don’t do this to me... you are all what I have now… this is what it should have always been... you and me together... I need you so much and accept this Riya you need me too…I am the reason for which you never married”

 

You pulled wrong strings, Sid. Now face the music. I turned back in disappointment.

 

 “NEED YOU?? I never f*****g needed anyone Sid, you yourself taught me that remember?, I never married because I couldn’t love anyone after you.. I love you, you senseless man… I don’t need you. I loved you enough to let you go and be happy for you.. and now you say we should be together because you need me?... I am sorry Sid … your need is not going to work for us to be in a relationship… Don’t you talk to me that s**t again… and if you ever show up.. be a man enough to have gathered real feelings than just your mere needs for me...”

 

 I stormed out. I was hung over the next day. A voice inside me was saying I did the right thing.

I decided not to think about what happened yet it kept occurring to me that our friendship was officially screwed. Also, I had exploded my anger on him when he was emotionally fragile. I felt like I am the lesser friend between us. However, had I hadn’t stopped what was going to happen, nothing good would have come out it. It is funny that you think the most after you decide not to think at all. I spent a lot of time thinking about him, he didn’t call once though.

 

 

 

 

ONE YEAR LATER

 

I was gazing at laptop screen, trying to sign-off some pending approvals. It was a beautiful and sunny Sunday morning in winters. I had relocated to my hometown and was looking after business from there. It obviously required more frequent travels but I did that to stay close to my parents. Not every, but this wish of theirs I could definitely fulfill. I heard the similar ping sound of Facebook Messenger. I was not in a position to take the liberty of clearing the notifications off the phone. Responsibilities have deep ramifications. I took the phone to actually see who it was. It was him; it brought the same old smile to my face.

 

“Open the door”

 

Suddenly I sensed a charge of mixed emotions " What made him take a whole year to contact me? When did he return from US? How should I react? Am I looking alright? Should I hug or a handshake would do?  Am I getting too excited? Gosh I should just open the door now…

I sighed and pulled the door.

“Hey pretty”

He said with the most beautiful smile on his face. He was holding a bunch of fresh red roses in one hand and there was ring case in the other in a gentle fist.

I smiled. He smiled. I smiled more, with tears in my eyes.

“I love you Riya…”