Sem - Youth

The story is based on a incident that I had with my two friends. We were sitting in the garden and having conversation about spirits.

Sky, June and Oito are best friends.
Oito has a secret to tell and have asked, "Sky to come at back gate of the school also to bring June with him as soon as the school gets over".
Sky is very curious to know what Oito has to tell. June is curious too but she is disinterested too because she has a strong feeling that it will be a not a good day.
After the bell rangs everybody start to get out of the school. Sky is looking for June. When he finds her he knows she will not join them because she is stubborn. Though Sky is smart when he goes and ask her She replies No. Then he gives her a deal. That if she joins them then he will do her 2days homework.
June replies, "OK with the smile".
Sky starts to hurry and walks fast towards the back gate of the school and June joins her.
"But where are we going",asks June.
"Some eternity place", replies Sky.

Under the shade of the tree Oito is standing with a sad face.

Sky - So where are we going?
Oito - "Today world is going to end", grandpa told me. We should run towards the garden of eternity.
June - it seems to me a normal day.
Sky - Garden of eternity sounds and an adventure!!!
June - but where is that?
Oito - Grandpa has gave me the map and have marked the routes for us.

Sky takes the map from Oito's hand and starts walking, Oito and June follows him. After walking for 30mins passing the graveyard they find the garden. Oito is already freaked by the look of the garden but he belives in his grandpa. June is not freaked because she likes horror movie so she is enjoying the scene but still she has intuition of something bad will happen.

When they reach. Garden seems to be darkest place on earth in the day light they have ever seen. They open the gates and enter in it. Suddenly the whole place is fully bright. After going inside when they look ouside of the garden they see that the whole world is in darkness. Three of them are already freaked but Sky is not ready to go back.

There are two detectives in the garden who have arrived before the kids. They are hiding behind the trees.

Detective 1 through microphone - kids are here.
Detective 2 - do you think he will come?
Detective 1 - he will, it's his last chance to relive this moment but if we miss him he will take her spirit away for forever.

Sky- what's next ?
Oito - I have a star in my bag. Grandpa told me to put that in the centre of the garden. June takes outs the star from oito's bag and places it in the middle of the garden. They are nervous so they hold each others hands and make a triangle around the star. They close their eyes and they have started to feel the energy coming from star.

Suddenly a massive amount energy come out the star in pink color. The energy doesn't have any shape. It is fluidic in nature. It goes above their heads and their eyes are open but they are rolled back. They are frozen in the moment and spirits come out from their bodies. Spirits dwell with each other like they are hugging and its their last goodbye.

Detective 1 - This is our moment we won't let him take her spirit again.

Detective 2 - Yes i can see him here he is the spirit monster and he shots his gun.
The gun shot awakens kids and their spirits come back to their body.

Oito see his grandpa who has been shot he starts to run but detective 2 stops him and his friends. Detective 1 run towards the old man....and takes out a jar from Spirit monster(Oito's grandpa).

He opens the Jar and a spirit comes out of it. The spirit is in human silhouette shape . Spirit is little above the ground. Then slowly the spirit moves her finger and it sparks. Finally she snaps her finger and the whole wold turns upside down. Now they are in the spirit world. There is total darkness and only three spirits are there holding each others hand.
The three spirit is of Detective 1's who is Oito, Detective 2's who is Sky
And she you know.

In the darkness their spirit is colourful and shining. They are smiling at each other. A welcome colourful rain which is happiness showers on them.
Finally the darkness is over and they come back to the real worlds. Then the three happy adult kids walk out of the garden and they close the gate.

Author's Note

Let me know some honest review.

Reviews

[Psychotic Lily]

The concept is really nice. But there are some points I have to say. Please forgive me if I am ever harsh.
There are grammatical errors you have to fix. For a writer, editing is a must even if it takes you five times.
Next is the wording. It doesn't sound as if I am experiencing what they are going through. I am just in the background, so I can't feel much of it. I suggest you can add more description and complexity to the movements or emotions of your characters. The writing style is quite simple, it's good but add a little more "spice."
Overall, you have a good concept and room for improvement. Keep up the good work!

[Akash gaikwad]

Thanks really for your feedback!! I didn't found you rude BTW!! I like the fact that you have added your opinion about how you felt !! What I need to learn is about what are the right words to decsribe movements and in detail about complex emotion!! Thanks I will think and rewrite this story with spice!!

[Samuel]

The story is exhilarating. It has all the elements required to keep the audience reading till the end. It follows the short story scheme appropriately.

[Akash gaikwad]

Thanks samual for constructive review made my day!!I read the story again to feel what you have felt!!

[MeikoShion]

its very good! i hope to see more

[Akash gaikwad]

Thanks master Katey !! Appreciate your review❤

[MeikoShion]

anytime make sure to look at my stories as well!

[¿]

Ok...as per you said I'll give honest review....so there were some punctuational problems (probably happens when written in hurry) I found that you can edit and that's what was making the story tangling...or else at every line if I read twice I get an absolute piece!...obviously punctuation does keeps an important role in narration....once it's done perfect this story is far more than great to read😊
Happy Writing!

[Akash gaikwad]

Can you please point out which were those punctuation my grammar is very poor. Thank you for your honest review I love it.

[¿]

Gimme few minutes friend!😊
You're welcome😊