Prologue

            Silence filled the air at Kingfisher’s Keep. For the first time in thirty years, the entire keep was completely silent. In the main courtyard, the entirety of the Kingfisher regiment had gathered in their dress uniforms, standing in formation before a funeral pyre. In the front stood the commander, Colonel Ghurzub Moga and his family, the king of Aegarius, Giusno Apirius, along with High Minister Denegoth and retired General Rusenius Gravius. Directly in front of them stood, Colonel Anzu Valurak-Moga and her son, Rusenius Moga.

            Tears streaked the faces of many in the assembled crowd. Laid on top of the pyre, in an Aegarian Army dress uniform, was Colonel Ulob Moga. His wrinkled black skin seemed dull and papery. His eyelids hid the emerald green eyes from view.

            Minister Denegoth stepped forward and turned to the crowd. The setting sun cast an eerie glow on his face as he bowed his head forward. The sounds of birds in the distance chirping drifted towards the funeral procession. The smell of fresh pine from the wood filled the courtyard. With a sigh, Denegoth looked up towards the crowd.

            “Today, we gather here to honor a hero and a warrior. Ulob was a gifted commander and was loved by many of his troops. He put every man under his command before himself and was determined to bring everyone home. He valued friendship and loyalty. He was unmatched in his innate arcane abilities and his skills with a sword rivaled many. He was known for his loving nature, rescuing his brother from the hands of a cruel orc father and later rescuing the entire Aegarian nation from the hands of tyranny. He will be missed sorely by everyone and the world has lost a valiant and courageous commander.”

            Denegoth stepped back to his place, lowering his head. The figure to his left, Anzu, stepped forward. Tears streaked her face and she was being supported by her son. Her breath was steady but shallow. Her pale skin was showing from under the black dress she wore. She took a deep breath and looked at the crowd.

            “Most of you know that I was Ulob’s wife. We share a lot together. I remember when I met Ulob. It was outside of Khazban Warkeep. He was only a major then, but he was already a great leader. We spent many hours talking about many things. There was even a night when he came to visit and I was asleep. Rather than walk back to his camp, he sat there, reading, waiting for me to wake up. And then, there was that battle. I didn’t know if either of us would make it out alive, but we did it. He was a great father and a great husband. I will miss him sorely.”

            She finished with a fresh stream of tears. Her son helped her back to her spot in the procession. Other than the quiet sobs of Anzu, the silence settled back in. After a few moments, Ghurzub stepped forward and turned to face the crowd. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

            “I ain’t one for dem fancy speeches an’ such, so I’z gunna be quick. ‘E wuz me bro an’ he found me an’ help to bring me up. ‘E wuz a great leader an’ a great orc, even if he wuz only half an orc.” Ghurzub sighed and turned to the honor guard flanking the pyre. “Alrigh’, ready?” he began, raising his arm. The honor guard raised their torches from the fire and turned to the pyre. Ghurzub turned back to the crowd. “Regiment, ‘ttension!” The entire regiment snapped to attention. Ghurzub dropped his arm and the honor guard set their torches into the pyre. The flame quickly spread, engulfing the pyre.

            Denegoth stepped forward once more and turned to the crowd. “And with this, we finish the final chapter of Colonel Ulob Moga’s life. I feel it only fair to tell the story now, from the beginning, as every story should be told. Please,” he said, waving his arm and making several hundred chairs appear. “have a seat and listen. This is a story of adventure, happiness, anger, betrayal, love, and friendship. And this is how it begins,”

 

Reviews

[Jocelyn Elizabeth]

I owe you a review, and the description of this story peeked my interest.

---"Silence filled the air at Kingfisher's Keep. For the first time in thirty years, the entire keep was completely silent." I would combine these sentences, because it is almost as if you are saying the same thing twice. You could subsitiute in, "For the first time in thirty years, the air at Kingfisher's Keep filled with a heavy silence."

---"Laid on top of the pyre, in an Aegarian Army dress uniform, was Colonel Ulob Moga." Be consious of your passive voice. You could write Colonel Ulob Moga lay stretched out over the pyre, clad in an Aegarian Army dress uniform.

---"The sounds of birds in the distance chirping drifted towards the funeral procession." Change the placement of chirping. The sound of birds 'chirping' in the distance drifted towards....

This shaped up to be an interesting story. I was worried at first, after reading through a list of names that I could not pronounce. The pace steps up to expectation when Minister Denegoth steps foward to address the crowd. I would spend more time setting the scene and drawing in the reader before mentioning the attendees.

You did a good job, and you're stories are not "bad", as you elude to in your bio. Keep writing!

:D Jocelyn Elizabeth