Thoughts of a Private

Just something I have always felt like doing. Survivor's guilt.

The young man sat there, dazed from the explosion. His vision was blurry and there was a loud ringing in his ears. The dust was settling down and the ringing was subsiding. His vision cleared as he began to crawl forward. The explosion had caught everyone unaware and he was sure that the casualties would be high.

His right hand reached out, searching for his weapon. He brushed a very hot, mushy pile. He took in his breath and forced himself not to look at what he was sure was his squad mate. His fingers brushed around in the dirt, searching for his lifeline. Finally, he found it. The wood of the stock was intact and the barrel was still straight.

 

With a great effort, he pushed himself off the ground and crouched behind the trench wall, hoping that there would be no more explosions. The night air was quiet as he slowly peeked over the wall, scanning for an enemy advance. With great relief, he slumped back down inside the trench. No enemy advance. He looked around and began taking in the casualties. His squad sergeant and three others were dead.

 

"You shouldn't be alive. You should be dead. How many times have you survived and others died?" a voice asked him. He shook his head, trying to quiet the voice. "What makes you so special? Why should you be spared when others with untold amounts of experience die? What right do you have to live when their families will be informed that they are dead?" He shook his head again, tears streaming his face.

 

"No family or loved ones for you, yet you still breathe. Men with wives and children die while you continue to exist. Why?" He stood up, walking towards the medical tent, the questions still ringing in his ears. He turned his thoughts inward, looking for answers to the questions.

 

He was nineteen years old and from a very small town in rural Georgia. He played football and was dating the cheerleader captain. Everything was going very well for him, until the accident. His parents were killed in a fire, leaving him completely alone. He had no brothers or sisters and did not know any of his other relatives. With nowhere to go, and a war brewing on the horizon, he decided to join the Army.

 

He was not a remarkable trainee but he got by without incurring the wrath of Army Drill Instructors. After his training, he volunteered for airborne training and was eventually assigned to the 101st Airborne Division. He got to know his squad mates and most of them had families. His sergeant had a wife and three children that he was looking forward to seeing when he got his leave.

 

"And it's your fault that those three children and that woman no longer have a father for their family. You should have died back there, instead of those men. You have no reason to be alive," the voice scolded. More tears streamed down his face as he made it into the medical tent. He collapsed on the floor, surprising the nurses.

 

"And here, you will die, like you should have. However, it is too late to make amends. Those men are dead and their families will writhe with grief. Die, like the coward you are."

Reviews

[Jocelyn Elizabeth]

I am not going to lie, I enjoyed this more than the orc-story. You paint this inner turmoil and give a glimpse into the character. Granted, this is a different style than the other, so maybe that is just a matter of preference. Your character is likeable, and I feel his grief.

There are a few places where you need to address passive voice issues, but you have created a nice story.

"His vision was blurry and there was a loud ringing in his ears." ---> "His vision blurred and his ears rang."

"The dust was settling down and the ringing was subsiding." ----> "The dust settled, the ringing subsiding with it."

"His vision cleared as he began to crawl forward." YAY! No passive VOICE!

I usually do a search for the words "was" or "were" before I stick a story on the finished pile. Then, I look at the sentences and try to think of a way to say it without using those to words. If that makes any sense at all...

This website may help: http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_actpass.html

:D Jocelyn.