Perspective (Composition of Poems)

A Poem by Ajla

At 3am when all I could think about was the abuse, love, etc. I went through, I got real deep into thought and expressed myself in a way that helped me. Here I compiled poems on my deepest thoughts.

Perception

Ajla Mesinovic

It’s Called Love

Fathers and mothers

Growing up

They’re perceived as people by your side

Not everyone had that

I never considered it important

They were people amongst the rest of humanity

Wishing you the best

Not relatable to me

When you find someone who complies with you

It’s a whole new world

You can smell the fresh air

Cleaned by the nature in sight

You can see your future

You call

You see them

Eventually

The jealousy will eat at you

The trust may die

You may be by yourself

This is why you learn to love yourself

Before anything

You can talk endlessly

Like there’s a forever

Even if there isn’t

You kill time

Your stomach hurts

When you’re not around them

You see why they’re so beautiful

Like they were taken individually

From everyone else

And sculpted like a sculpture

That is a replica of the world.

They’re your world

They’re yours

You weren’t there.

I tried to hold your hand.

Instead you used that hand

Against me.

Turned my face blue

Made everything seem darker than it was.

I went on my own

To discover the good

But very little existed.

What was there

Was what i took for granted.

Which was the product of your mistake

The beginning of a harsh end.

Didn’t know how to live

To do the things the other kids did.

Simple things

As when kids played on the playground.

No idea of the happiness

The world held.

I was like a stone

Picked up and thrown to the ground.

Was in pieces but

The wind took it’s place

Carried me through the harshness.

The rain put it together.

I socialized with others.

Came together.

I was new

Just like a diamond made from dust.

It seems I was always the one to try.

I talked

Seemingly to myself.

No one was listening

Maybe that’s why it ended.

I was isolated

Twas the mistake between us.

It’s blurry,

The doctors can’t even help.

I can not be saved,

It’s gone too deep.

This wound isn’t met for fixing

It was put in it’s place by god.

It was there for a reason

To inspire others and make amends.

Do better than what they did to me

See the world and help for the better.

How do you have the power

To do all of this?

Kill the inside of a person

Leave them wondering.

Change your view on the world

On your outcome..

Leave you wanting to be hanging

From a tree branch.

Unable to be seen while

Caught in the spell.

Afterwards,

Thinking of all mistakes.

Unable to discover what happened

Like you’re a blank page

Being torn in half.

No purpose,

But still happening.

Let’s make each other lose our minds

Like stories from the fairytales.

Beauty and the beast,

The old school love where it doesn’t exist.

Be legendary together,

Grow and change each other’s mind.

Make positivity rain,

Make this relationship real like

The ring on my finger.

It’s not about the attention,

But the feeling and the person you crave.

It’s about how you want to live,

Who to be by your side when you’re almost not alive.

Everyone was individually sculpted,

To fit another’s needs.

We took the meaning of life,

We made it about the cash and the fast cars.

Originally created for

Love

And surviving.

Those times are over,

Now we confuse love with attention.

Hallucinogens , Stimulants, n’ Depressants

‘Toxins’

Used as a getaway

Like a yearly trip to a foreign country

To take your mind to a foreign world

Like a green planet your brain put together

In a span of 2 seconds

Making your mind spin

Your eyes wobble

Your legs unsure of directory

It’s a happiness

Found by emitting fumes from your mouth

To the fresh air

Infecting it with

The poison that makes your mind relax

When you’re up

And don’t know how to get down,

Don’t come to me.

You’re in an alternate reality

While mine is real.

When you’re in the real one,

Then come and see

If you still feel the same.

But don’t think you’re allowed

To come in and use me.

Just because you’re under an influence

Doesn’t mean I’ll act like it’s ok.

When there’s not much to do

Than to think of the mistakes,

You take a toll on your liver

Fill your body

And empty the cup.

Can’t open the file cabinets in your brain,

Tired of the thoughts.

Drowning your eyes so much

Everything blurs.

You’re away from the world.

When tragedy hits

And you can’t handle yourself.

You get a grip on other things,

Such as what you’re going to inhale next.

You want to feel like you’re floating,

Instead of the thought that

There’s an anchor latched onto you.

You want to be the floatie

For a child,

Saving them

Meanwhilst making use of yourself.

Entertaining yourself

With something other than

What’s written on the anchor.

When you want to make a getaway,

And have nothing to lose,

You might choose the devil’s plant.

It’ll take control of your mind,

Be the happiness you never had.

It’ll come unnaturally,

But it’ll make itself nature while

Taking in the smoke.

It’ll feel like heaven,

While the smoke resembles the clouds up in there.

Maybe that was the purpose,

To take you to heaven.

But they named it devil’s plant,

For those who haven’t tried,

See it as a resemblance of an unnatural item,

Taking advantage of your body.

But I, thought differently,

It was not taking advantage like men take

Of girl’s bodies when unwanted and unconscious.

There is where people get confused,

With the truth and the thoughts.

The good-doers aren’t used to it,

They go with the rest of the wave.

Others tried new things

To make them happier.

That’s what matters in the end,

How you feel.

Body Difference

You were different,

You had the thick thighs

The pretty face.

That’s what they saw,

And wanted.

Don’t get wants

And love mixed up.

The only time you were there,

Was when it was convenient for you.

When you saw the big bootys,

Like the porn stars,

You fall in love.

Unaware of what love it,

The girl will go right back for you.

That’s the mistake girl’s make,

They let their booty

Be the entrance into their heart.

These days,

We’re more worried about

Our bra size,

Than story size.

We fill our teen years,

With sexual memories

For future reminiscing,

Instead of creating a future,

Filled of money and love

Rather than regret and sex.

We blind our pain,

With the use of our bodies,

Rather than set up of successful outcomes.

She looks in the mirror,

In awe of herself,

And her glorious body.

Yet hates on the other girls,

Trying to achieve what she already has.

But that’s what we’re taught,

Competition.

No love towards each other,

Just try to look your best,

Impress the most,

That’s not what we’re made for.

Her curves from head to toe,

Is what attracted all the boys to her.

Her mind,

Whom no one paid attention to,

Was filled with rhymes

And stories to tell, like no one else.

No one taught about her thoughts,

The way she thought was beautiful.

Filled with romance, abuse,

Yet still positive deep, deep down inside.

All the people on the outside made her insecure,

So she went and showed off her voice.

It paid off,

Because now the ones who’re real,

Came at her feet,

Madly in love.

Your body was not made,

To be abused.

It was made,

To discover,

To glow,

And to appreciate the art that god made.

Don’t let anyone tell you,

What their perception of fat is.

If they believe it’s you,

Ignore them.

Because in the end,

It’s not about their closed minded opinions,

It’s about what your mind holds.

That’s something people are yet to discover.

Almost everything in your lower body

Has an explanation.

It’s not a place

To fall in love.

Your mind is the key to falling in love,

How you think,

Your beliefs,

Your daily thoughts,

The way you move,

Everything is held in your mind.

The place truly to be explored,

And not yet fully discovered.

Your head holds ;

Your eyes,

Where you’re able to see others and the views

That god put in place for you to see.

Your mouth,

To please your taste buds,

To communicate,

To create beautiful sounds.

Your nose,

To smell the delicious foods the planet has to offer.

Your ears,

To hear what’s happening,

To keep yourself safe.

Your chin,

To lay on your hand,

When sitting in the desk,

Tired and staring at a blank screen.

Your mind is the key to it all,

Where you can figure what to write,

Keep your eyes open,

And think to yourself what pleases you.

That’s the beauty of your entire body.

Your mind.

It’s funny to think,

Your eyes are what control what you can see,

But your mind creates the thoughts of what your eyes see.

It’s a confusing process,

But beautiful.

Body count is something that matters to me,

It shows how many bodies you went through,

With little love during the time.

It shows how much time before,

You try to make me the next one

In the running.

I’m not racing though,

I’m just running.

World Mystery

Time is immortal

Can be killed

Yet can be rescheduled.

It is altered by the universe,

While we spin,

It moves.

Yet we take advantage of this time,

Even though at any moment,

Time could stop and

We can be gone.

Time is what holds us together,

It is the product of the universe

Including earth and the sun,

Gravitational pull,

And all living things.

Without time,

Nothing would add up

Nor make sense.

Time is like

The seeds in an apple.

They can be used

Or thrown away like they’re nothing.

It can create a beautiful thing

Which complies with nature,

Or be in a pile of nothing

Rotting and turning to dirt.

This beautiful place,

Made of green

Which clears the air of toxins

And is prickly to the feet

and

Colorful mills

Whom supply the sweet treat

For the little buzzing creatures,

Who create wonderful treats

For the humans of the world.

We are still yet to realize the effort put into

The work

By these little creatures,

Who casually buz and roam around,

Finding more and more sweets to be delivered

And created into a snack.

Imagine this,

Compare to our work of simply taking their

Art and turning it into something

We want.

But were we the ones who were suppose to take it?

Thoughts Straight From The Mind

All these relationship goal

Photos flood your camera roll

As if one day it’ll be you,

The dream becomes a faint reality

When you believe it has become you

The weak ones

Tend to be the ones who tell,

They spill like tsunamis.

Nothing can be done around them,

They cannot be trusted.

You’re already used to things

Far more complicated than

They’ve ever went through

Yet you can be trusted,

You keep your voice hidden within.

Sometimes you can’t only hold yourself down,

You need another human being.

Someone to hold you,

Or tell you it’s okay.

When the loneliness hits,

It goes deep within you,

Eating at your thoughts

And making you want to vanish.

Sometimes I can feel my soul crushing.

Similar feeling to when you get heartbroken,

You feel like your stomach is getting torn

But your mind on a different planet.

Unable to think,

Nor believe what’s happening around yourself.

Everything feels unreal,

Like you’re in an alternate reality.

Yet you have to tell yourself

It’ll be okay one day when you realize the reality.

But you don’t know.

Sometimes I lay my head down

And I’m unable to move

Despite any text I get,

Despite who’s calling my name,

Nothing matters,

In those few moments

Where I can’t move a muscle,

Where I can only feel the breaking of my spirit

And nothing else,

It’s the lowest you’ll ever feel.

The feeling is unexplainable

Almost as if you’re paralyzed

But breaking on the inside

Find someone

Who matches your

Compatibility and mentality.

Never sell yourself short

For someone who gave his all

Towards small town hoes

Don’t be disappointed

When you figure I’m not enough

Because I always knew

But I let you try

I was wrong to believe

You were a different type of species

They’re all followers

Of the wave

But you’re the one

Who creates a new one

Like a tsunami

And they’re the wind keeping it moving.

We learned to prioritize the people

Who like to use us

But impress us from the mouth

Inflicting confusion upon us

With love and being a game.

You were the light

At the end of a long tunnel

Yet at the end of the tunnel

It turned out dark,

Then we became closer,

And you become a flame.

When I couldn’t find myself

I went to you for directory

Thinking you could save me,

But instead,

You ruined me.

I crave company

Your voice

The head on your shoulder

Your lips on mine

The thought of someone there with you

The fact you’re not alone

You become emerged in a person

Real close and fantasizing.

Sometimes I miss nights in my bed

I’d lay up wishing for someone like you

To just make me happy

Not even imagining the long run

And looking like a fool.

You broke me

Into millions of pieces

Like when anger hits and

You throw your cup across the room.

It hits

It breaks.

You did that to me.

Hit me with fake love

Then broke me with the real love

When you didn’t tell me you were leaving

But you fell for someone else.

Don’t blame me

For wanting to rid of myself

After what has happened to me,

A healthy substitute for tears

Was a grin upon my face

But it didn’t happen

And people started calling me sour patch

Because I gave sour looks

And my heart needed some stitching up.

Some girls claimed it easy.

To pick up and get back on your feet,

But what happened - destroyed me.

The capacity worn out in my brain

Made it hard to tell myself to move.

Overflooded with thought,

I was giving up

But it all seemed fine.

The way I thought was different from others

I was more open minded

And I thought about the future of my choices

They chose,

Unworried,

They were raised that way..

No worries

I was raised a different way

I was to be more careful

I was punished for anything thought to be wrong

But they were the wrong ones

Making the wrong choices

What they did..

My experience

I don’t think I’ll ever be okay

The way your hands touched me

Such a negative energy

Coming from the first people to lay eyes on me

Coming from the people who made an irresponsible choice and had me

I was a mistake in their eyes

I was a wall

I iscolated them

I was a child

They broke the wall

They tried to destroy it in all

Yet I stay standing here,

In broken pieces

But here.

They iscolated me

They made me feel like there’s no other world

Than the one they built for me to feel hurt in

That was where they were wrong..

Yes,

I felt them hurting me more than anyone

But there was other pains

Not just the physical ones

I didn’t have any trust

Or perception of love

Or frankly any notion of relationships

Including friendships

I never understood it

I was never taught anything

I was raised by close-minded people

Everyday I wonder why I still stand here

Alive and breathing

When I don’t want to be here.

I never chose to be here.

I would never wish this life upon anyone.

They never understood me

Or my goal in life

They didn’t even understand themselves

But somehow they knew how to cause me a lifetime

Of pain

Just pain

I am not like these other kids.

I was not allowed to laugh

I was yelled at for laughing

I was not allowed any friends

I was put down for everything I had done

I made a lot of mistakes

And each one became harder and harder

Because my punishments got to me emotionally

And now,

They’re becoming physical

To where I can barely hold my hand up anymore..

And I can barely even think about my life without a river down my face.

I am secluded from everything.

I cannot experience friendship

I cannot experience taking cute pictures of myself

I cannot go see a movie

Or eat ice cream with friends.

I can be punched and kicked

Have my hair pulled out

.. unable to finish

It is sad to think all these teenagers

Get to live their life while they’re young.

They are allowed to make mistakes

And talk to their parents about how to fix them

And go on study dates with their friends

And go out to eat

Watch football games

Go and watch the scary movies

Go to parties

Go to school dances

Do sports

But I wasn’t able to do any of it

I kept everything in my life a secret

I was unable to express my feelings

Or passion for anything

Because my family iscolated me from everything they could.

I have justified reasoning to end life

I have no meaning or reason to stay

It’s a horrible life

For anyone

My friends feel my pain

And they feel pity for me

I stay up each night crying

I have nobody

There’s no support system with me

I cannot communicate with aquaintnances

Nor my own family

I cannot see friends

There’s no way to talk

Or have a normal conversation

I am constantly accused

Of doing things

Completely irrelevant to me

I never understood my parents for that reason

Everything they said..

Was all irrelevant to me.

I never did anything they accused me of doing

And I will never want to be considered their daughter.

Unlike them,

I am nice

I am respectful

I think about my choices

And I try to accomplish things.

They try to stop me constantly

And I might stop and give up

And when it happens

I hope they do regret everything they’ve done to me.

I have only tried to please other people

I am ungreatful with this life given to me

And I’d like to give it back.

The things they say

Give me a pain in the chest

Even their kicks don’t hurt as much

It breaks my heart

That the people who’re supposed to be there

For my whole life and support me

Are alcoholics

Who only remember the bad memories

And the mistakes.

I don’t believe my pain will ever end

This has left scars

And I will never forget

I grew up with a s****y background

And I’m not happy with it.

I would not wish my spouse to have to deal with me

Or children who would feel pity

Or be sad for me,

I don’t want any of it.

I think I’m starting to lose meaning in god

And in a purpose in life.

There might be no purpose

Maybe we’re here to die,

Maybe I shouldn’t be here

And god accidentally put me here

Like the dinosaurs before they were wiped out

Maybe he realized it was a mistake.

I wouldn’t disagree.

I never met a parent

Who puts their children down constantly..

A child who gets honor roll each year

Who attempted sports for a year

Who listens to and does what they’re told

Who learned from mistakes

Who made up for their mistakes

Who tries to help

Who takes care of their child

Who raised THEIR child for 3 years

Lastly,

A child who had a good future ahead of themselves.

I am that child

But constantly I am put down

And constantly I have to relive the pains they like to give me

I think my biggest struggle is when

I can’t even scratch my head

Because there’s bruises all over

It hurts if I try to put my hair up

Because the night before it was pulled and pulled

When I can’t turn my head to a certain extent

Because last night he held my head in a 90 degree angle

While getting me to admit to things I never did.

It hurts my soul

When I try to raise my hand in class

Or stretch in gym

And I can’t keep it up

Because the night before

I was pulled on and hit with a baseball bat.

It hurts when I walk on my tippy toes

Because the night before he stood on my legs and held me down.

It’s hard to comprehend that

And it’s hard to understand why I was given this life

The worst part of my experience

Is privileged people.

When I can’t run 4 laps in gym

And I get told I’m not putting any effort in

Is hard because

I cannot say

The night before was when I got beat

And my spirit was put down.

I cannot say that I was not allowed to sleep.

That I only slept 3 hours.
I cannot say that I am sick and

On the verge of killing myself.

Those are words for myself..

And people cannot understand my effort,

I put a bit too much into everything I do

But soon enough there will be no effort

Because I will not be here.

These people don’t know what it’s like

To be abused and to be constantly wondering why everything you do is wrong

It’s upsetting

When you cannot talk to your best friend

And you cannot tell them you’re okay

And you cannot talk about your problems

Because it leads to endings in friendship..

Loss of communication

Not seeing each other

And that’s what I’m scared of the most.

That’s the one person I do not want to lose.

I find myself thinking my mistakes are the worst things ever.

I was taught this way,

Everything wrong that I did

Was showing just another way I failed in life.

I was body shamed by them

I was put down

Told I’d be a prostitute

Or living on the streets

Yet they ignored every effort I put into schooling

Or trying to fix the family

All they worried about is their margaritas

And left me with the little kid who began their stress

And then it leads me to wonder if the little one is the mistake

Is he the one who started this?

If he wasn’t here, would I be happy?

It’s a terrible thought

But you’re forced to live in terrible thought when

You’re secluded from everything else other than your mind.

They tried to make me close minded.

Believe any religion other than ours was bad

And anyone other than my ethnicity wasn’t good

I was raised in a close minded setting

That I should not live my life when I’m young

I was taught to keep my legs closed

Mouth shut

Head down

And away from socializing.

I broke all the rules

Because I am not a close minded person

I like diversity and enjoying my life.

They’ve ruined every aspect of my life but I will try and come back up

They should not live a free life

While I’m stuck in the basement

Writing poems because

I cannot communicate with anyone else

Other than myself

From my head to my fingers.

That is all I have.

I was forced to be closed off from other people and learn my own way of living. I did not go by rules or laws, I went by my right and wrong which I was never taught the difference from. That’s what upset me.. Not knowing how these girls knew what they wanted to be and who they wanted to be friends with. I was unsure of everything. I never understood the difference between laying in my bed and robbing a bank because I got the same punishment for right and wrong.