Surrounding Me

I hate birthdays.

I am surrounded. 

To my left are my childhood friends.

They smile at me and lift their drinks in a toast.

I clink back.

To my right is my faithful boyfriend.

He reaches over and squeezes my hand.

I squeeze back.

Across from me are my soccer friends.

They pull out their phones and snap photos of me.

I pose for their pictures.

A few tables over my parents sit.

They send me a quick wave but are careful not to embarrass me.

I wave back.

In front of me sits my birthday cake.

The candles are lit, and I am pressured to make a wish.

I make the same wish as always; to be rid of the loneliness that consumes me.

All around me are friendly, encouraging faces.

They sing happy birthday wholeheartedly.

I close my eyes.

As I blow out the candles, my heart feels like it’s being ripped out of my chest.

Why did I think things would be different, that a new year would mean a new me?

I haven’t changed. 

Situated on both sides of me are all my friends and family.

I wish they were enough to chase away my loneliness. 

But I push these thoughts away, as I am accustomed to doing.

I am surrounded. But I have never felt more alone.