"Unless you want
to see two generations in this house go, I suggest you leave." And that
was all I heard.
It had been two years
earlier, 2008, in that same basement. Chris and I were having our usual late
night conversations. Deep thought, stressful realizations, and existential
words passed between us, two early-twenties guys, shooting the s**t to pass the
time and expand our horizons. It was then that the topic of the elephant
upstairs came to light.
Chris's grandmother had
been staying in the house ever since I'd known him, going between being
completely cogniscient and functional to devastatingly sick and in denial.
Dementia soon got her, and she was placed in Hospice. Hospice for her was
interesting, because you were put in Hospice when you only had a few months to
live. Chris's grandmother had, "died," many times in the five years
she was in it, always bouncing back with a remarkable recovery, and slipping
back into watching reruns of Matlock thinking they were new episodes.
"When I was young and
she first got here 'cause she was sick, I hated her. She was cramping my space,
I thought. She was interrupting my whole life, just showing up sick and taking
all the attention. How was it her place to do that?"
Of course, I told brief
stories of my Great Grandmother, whom I love dearly, and her death. He
explained that his grandmother's death was imminent, they just didn't know
when. She had passed the threshold of functional long ago.
"I just wanted her to
die. I don't anymore, now I'm used to her. But back then, I just wanted her
gone, out of the picture, you know?"
Just then, we heard footsteps
nearing the staircase. It was 6 A.M. The sound descended, and his mother turned
the corner, distraught, shaken, and on the verge of tears. Her yellow bathrobe
was woven tightly around her, and she stood between us.
"Chris, Ajay needs to
go home. Your grandmother passed away a couple of minutes ago." And that
was that.
I walked upstairs, passing
his grandmother's room, which was full of crying people. Out the door I went,
getting into my car, shaken by the whole situation. Even the McDonald's
breakfast I got afterward didn't taste as good. I started thinking about death
quite a bit. It was at every turn, staring me in the face. Not beckoning me to
it's whims, but asking me questions. When will I go? How will I go? How does it
end? What happens?
2010. The basement was as
cold as it always was, and Chris's mom had been getting more and more sick from
a very aggressive cancer. We spoke of it on a regular basis, as expected, it
being my best friend's mother potentially passing. She had been alright for
years, attending Chemotherapy and having a complete recovery, and very quickly
falling back into her illness, developing more tumors, worse than before. She
had recovered so many times that the idea of her getting sick was not uncommon
or strange to Chris - he began to shrug it off, something to be expected,
dealth with, and forgotten about.
Her last episode, however,
was different. She had been rushed to the hospital, and though the details
weren't conveyed, she had been placed on Hospice herself. It was scary, though
Chris seemed to be holding up fine. He had us over the previous night for
Philly Cheese Steaks, french fries, and bad nineties movies. I spent the night.
I woke up around noon, and
waited for him. He was my ride home. The time flew. First one, then two, until
around 5PM, Chris comes downstairs.
"Unless you want to
see two generations go, I suggest you leave." He wasn't being mean. He was
warning me.
In the night, her tumors
had became more aggressive and grew to preposterous sizes in such a short
amount of time, that they were convinced she was passing. I quickly gathered my
belongings and made some phone calls.
Death tapped my shoulder,
and I was scared. He was asking me all the same questions I never answered. I
shooed him away years ago, refusing to face him so young, and here I was,
twenty-two years old, feeling him hang as heavily in the air as he did those
years ago.
I turned the corner in the
basement, to walk to the stairway. I stood at the foot of the stairs, not
turning the light on.
The staircase was long and
pitch black, with only a small, fine line of glimmering light at the base of
the door to upstairs. And that's when I felt it. This was exactly what death
was like. My journey up those long steps in the dark was life slipping away and
time passing me by. As I got closer and closer to that doorway and that light,
I knew I would be alright. This was it. This is death, and I was living it. I opened
that door and was splashed with the mid day sun in a house completely silent.
As I walked down his
driveway to meet my ride, watching all of the relatives show up suddenly,
seemingly out of nowhere, I felt a bit relieved. My questions had answers, and
I left Death at the bottom of that stairway, only able to grab at my ankles as
I ascended.