Chapter one

"I believe in the immeasurable power of love; that true love can endure any circumstance and reach across any distance."
Steve Maraboli
Chp 1-
The sun burst through the window pane and shocked my tired eyes. I threw a pillow over my head and tried to go back to sleep.
"Wake up, sleepy head!" I heard Kirsten's voice as she pulled the pillow away from me. "Come on, get up!
I rolled over and looked at my alarm clock, that I barely used, and saw it was only 10:30. "What could possibly be so important that you had to wake me?"
"Arielle, you can't sleep all day! It's finally summer there's no time to waste!" She said braiding her long auburn hair.
"You didn't have to work until 11 o'clock last night and then not end up falling asleep until 2, so I don't want to hear it." I sighed and sat up. "Now, where are we going?"
She smiled a devilish smile, "it's a surprise." I rolled my eyes and got up to get dressed.
Without knowing where we were going, picking an outfit out was a struggle. I ended up deciding on a cute tank top Kirsten and I bought when we went shopping, a pair of jean shorts and my favorite converse sneakers. Once I finished getting ready, we got into to Kirsten's Volkswagen Beetle and we were off.
"You need a new car," I said as we were driving down the highway. I tried to figure out where we were going but I could barely think over the sound of her car rattling.
"No way, this car is my baby I can't give her up." She laughed then turned into a giant parking lot. "Well, we're here." She said as we waited in the line of cars trying to find a place to park.
"An amusement park?" I asked.
"Yeah! I thought it would be fun!"
While we waited in line to get our tickets, Kirsten kept constantly checking her phone waiting for a message. Once she heard her message ringtone play she looked at her phone and smiled.
"You know if you were going to text Seth all day, you might as well have brought him with you." I laughed but as her smile faded I worried. "Kirsten, please tell me he isn't meeting us here." I said trying not to sound angry.
"Well it was both of our ideas to come today," she said sinking back into her phone.
"Great, so I get to be the third wheel, yet again."
"No, he is bringing one of his friends, Logan, I think his name is. Please try to be nice, Ari."
Nice? She sets me up with one of her boyfriend's friends and expects me to be nice. He probably is a video game addict just like Seth. I don't understand how she puts up with him; always tells her what to do and she just goes along with it like a brainless follower.
"So they are in line, now we just have to wait for them to come through with their tickets."
After sitting on an uncomfortable bench in the blazing sun for nearly twenty minutes, Kirsten finally spotted Seth. As he walked towards us the guy following him was not what I had pictured his friend to look like. Most of his friends are grungy smokers who barely look like they shower. But this guy, he was fit, tall, and extremely cute. If his personality was as good as his looks, he seemed practically perfect.
"Still mad that I woke you this morning?" Kirsten nudged me.
I tried to hide the fact that was nervous as the guys came up to us. "Hey babe," Seth said and pulled her toward him and kissed her. I pretended to gag as the gross, mushy, love fest started.
"I love you," she whispered to him then turned to the guy standing next to Seth. "Hi, I don't believe we have met. I'm Kirsten, that's my best friend Arielle." I waved slightly.
"Nice to meet you both, I'm Logan."
"Well, why don't we go on some rides." Seth suggested and as always Kirsten agreed.
We got in line for this rickety, old, wooden roller coaster first and the ride basically screamed 'death trap' to me. As I tried to ignore their flirting, I impatiently sat on the rail and looked over the crowd. We still had a while to go before we would get to the front.
"Have you been on this before?" Logan asked leaning on the railing across from me.
"No, I actually have never been here." I looked down at the ground and kicked my legs, "roller coasters freak me out so I generally don't go on them." I admitted. I probably sounded like wuss, even little 8 and 9 year olds go on these and don't get scared, and here I am 18 years old and afraid of roller coasters.
"Oh well don't worry it's not as bad as it seems, but there is a camera toward the end of the ride, just so you know."
"Awesome, after freaking out and having my hair messed up, the camera can capture it." He laughed, he had quite the adorable laugh. "So are you the same age as us?"
"Actually, I'm turning twenty in a few weeks."
"Do you go to school or anything?" I asked
"I, um, actually went to school for a year but now I am busy with work so I won't be able to." He said and looked away.
Curious I asked, "What do you do?"
He hesitated to answer but then he smiled and said, "I'm a professional badass."
I laughed, "okay, whatever you say."
Once we finally got to the front of the line, I saw that the cars had only two seats per row. Since I knew Kirsten would make some excuse, I was going to be sitting with Logan. As we sat down in our seats, my nerves kicked in and I clenched my fist on the lap bar in front of us.
Out of nowhere Logan placed his hand on mine, "don't worry you'll be fine." He smiled.
With everyone safely in their seats, they counted down and we were off. I couldn't stop myself from screaming, I was terrified, but as we got to the end I remembered he said the camera was there so I made a silly face as the flash went off.
Logan looked at me as we pulled towards the crowd of people waiting in line, "see, it wasn't that bad. You survived." Only because he was there. We walked down to where our pictures were on display and I found our picture. Turns out we had the same idea and both made a silly face.
"That's an awesome picture." He pulled some money out and said, "can I buy a copy of that one?" He asked the person behind the counter.
"You're buying it?"
"Well yes, I am taking it to remember today, is that okay with you?"
I smiled, "of course."

Reviews

[Sesame]

Hello a.j.,

For an opening chapter, this is not bad. You have introduced your characters and made clear how they are related. One ingredient that is not in here to make this a good opening chapter is 'the hook'. Besides the small hint on 'professional bad a*s' I am not really enticed to read the next chapter. Assuming that this is indeed your hook try thickening it a little without making it overly clear. Examples-> add some contrast, the whole chapter is sunny and hot, can you mention something like 'the cold metal bars' during a moment between ari and logan? Or maybe add a small physical imperfection to Logan, that is just enough to make readers doubt whether or not he is prince charming. Anyway, you get my point. I have few more suggestions, do with them what you please:


The sun burst through the window pane and shocked my tired eyes. -> unless something in the window, curtains or shutters is altered. Sun generally does not 'burst' and 'shock' it gets light outside way way way before you can actually see the sun. I would let Kirsten open the curtains or remove the suddenness in the moment.

the sound of her car rattling. -> ask your self is it a) an adjective to describe the sound "the rattling sound..." or b) an activity that the car is performing? and thus indeed ".. car rattling" I would go for A.

sometimes you are overly descriptive, at other times not descriptive enough for example -> "alarm clock [that I barely use] " is overly descriptive, since it does not add to the development of the story and then "... down the highway" and then BOOM we have arrived at the next scene. They did not talk more during the drive? This is a good 'lost' moment to give your readers some more insight in the characters, for example through dialogue or elaboration on the physical description.

Kirsten kept constantly checking her phone waiting for a message -> "Kirsten constantly checked her phone." -> less words, same message and therefor more effective writing

"You know if you were going to text Seth all day -> "were" -> "are"

Well it was both of our ideas to come today -> "Well we both thought of coming here today."

I tried to hide the fact that was nervous as the guys came up to us. -> could you show instead of tell? What did Ari do that indicated nervousness?

Curious I asked, -> "Curious(ly), I asked"

Good luck editing.

Regards,

Sesame

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